John and the glass elevator

Posted under Episode 0, Story On By Chief

You are John, you are trapped in a glass elevator.
 You can see the city outside but cannot get out of this shaft until your father or someone else comes to rescue you. The only thing that makes it bearable is knowing there's an emergency exit on every level and no one will be able to open them from below because they're locked by the company who
 owns this building. There are three buttons: Up, Down, Hold. If you push any button other than "Hold," the elevator will fall through whatever floor it's on and kill everyone inside.

You press up and down at the same time.
 You watch as each button glows red for a moment before turning green again. Your heart sinks when you realize neither button has worked yet...
Your phone rings just then and breaks the tension. It's your mother.

Your mother tells you to enter the Konami code "A B A B UP DOWN RIGHT LEFT"
 into the game. She says she doesn't know why you have so many passwords memorized but you should never give anyone access to anything without one if possible. When you tell her about what happened with Pops, she laughs like crazy.

Before you can tell your mother the funny story about Pops, the elevator starts to move.
 As it does, all color drains away and the world becomes gray. Everything around you looks strange; even your mom's face seems distorted.
The doors open onto a familiar room. You walk out of the elevator and find yourself standing in front of a door identical to the one you entered through.

You say to your mother, "didn't Daddy give like 3 million dollars to A Nigerian Prince who sent him a email?"

She replies, "I'm not sure."
It was an hour later when you heard a knock at your door. Your mother opened it and said, "You're late! I've been waiting for you since 7:00!"

You enter your mother's house and notice she is having a small family gathering.
 Everyone greets you except your mother.
"Hey Mom," you say, "who's that guy? He's got a mustache like yours."
"Oh," she says, "he's my boyfriend.

You walk up to greet your mother's new boyfriend.
 His name is Michael. He's very tall, much taller than you. You look at his eyes and they seem weirdly colored. They are dark brown with white flecks in them. You ask him, "what's wrong with your eyes?"

He answers, "nothing. Why do you ask?"
"No reason," you reply, shaking hands with him.
Michael says, "you are looking good today. How are things going with you?"

You deflect Michael's compliment and throw another insult his way, "Hey Michael,
 you think I'm fat?"
Michael chuckles and says, "I didn't say that."
"Then what did you say?" you ask.
"Nothing," he says.
"Come on," you say, "I'm serious.

You pull out your concealed arm and try to scare Michael.  You tell him, "Apologize for calling me fat."

Michael shakes his head and says, "it's ok."
You are confused and say, "What's okay?"
"Just forget it," he says.
"Fine," you say, and return to the party.

You notice your more successful brother, Richard, is telling an amusing anecdote and everyone is laughing.  You decide to make it you mission of the night to ruin Richard.
 You walk over to him and interrupt his story, saying, "Richard, you're a terrible liar. I know you were trying to impress everyone by telling a funny joke."
Everyone laughs at your attempt at humor.

You become embarrassed and Richard fires back with an insult of his own, "John, you are
 such a loser. You're the most boring person I know. You're the worst listener. You don't understand jokes. You don't know how to laugh. You're a failure. I hope you die."

You sheepishly disappear into the kitchen.  You decide to get your revenge by sabotaging the food, first you
 add salt to the salad dressing and then you put vinegar in the potato chips. You feel better after ruining the food and you go to bed.
You wake up the next morning and eat breakfast.

You mom's eyes are shooting daggers at you for your behavior last night.  Richard is grinning and eating his egg whites.

You hear your father call out, "good morning boys."
You look at each other and smile.  You walk out of the kitchen and say, "Good morning Pop. Did you sleep well?"

Pop smiles and says, "Yes, thanks."
You ask, "Did you enjoy the movie last night?"
"It was great," he says.
"Who is this guy?"

Pop points at your Mom's new boyfriend Michael.  You tell Pop's this and he begins to take off his leather belt and wield it in a threatening manner.

"Stop it," you say, "he's harmless."
"Harmless my ass," Pop says, and swings the belt at Michael.
Michael dodges the blow easily and grabs the belt.

Little did you know, Michael is a black belt in Brazilian Ju Jitsu.  Michael puts Pops and you into a submission hold at the same time.

Your father screams, "Don't hurt him!"
Michael releases the chokehold and says, "I'm sorry John. I just wanted to show you something."
Michael walks over to the window and opens it.

Michael points to his car which has a sign in the back window that says, "Just married!"   Michael tells Pops that he has married his ex-wife and that there is nothing he can do about it.

Pops becomes enraged and swings the belt at Michael again.
Michael blocks the swing with the belt and then throws Pops to the floor.  Michael quickly locks his arms around your father's neck and begins choking him.

Pops passing out and Michael says, "Your mother is moving with me to Canada."

You scream, "Let him go!"
Michael says, "You don't have any choice in the matter."
He lets go of your father and picks you up.
"Get away from us," you yell.

Michael starts to walk away, and then you pickup a
 big kitchen knife and lunge at him.
Michael catches your arm and tosses you across the room.
You land on the couch and slide to the floor.
"I'll kill you," you scream, as Michael leaves the house with your mother.

Michael drives off and you never see him or your mother again.  You look dejected, but then you notice Richard's brand new BMW.  You decide to slash his tires.

You find a large piece of metal pipe and walk to Richard's car.
You stand beside his car and hit the door with the pipe.
The driver side tire blows out and you run away laughing hysterically.

Richard hears all the noise and runs out to stop you.  You yell, "Take that you stupid mother fucker!"  Richard explains that the car was actually his gift to you.  You realize that you have just destroyed your own car.  Can this day get any worse?

You sit on the curb crying and watching the police arrive.
They arrest you and throw you in jail.
You wake up in a cell with no windows and only a toilet and sink.

You notice your cell mate is someone you went to high school with.  His name is
Billy asks, "How are you doing?"
You tell Billy, "This sucks."
Billy tells you that he got caught stealing cars when he was your age.  He also told you about the time he stole a Porsche.

You explain to Billy you are the same age.
  You were a nerd like him.  You used to hang out at the mall.  You would shoplift and steal things.
Billy says, "Yeah, I remember you.  You always had a crush on my sister."

You have a flashback to the first time you met Billy's sister.

You recall how she looked at you and said, "What's wrong loser?"
You try to explain what happened but Billy interrupts you.  Billy tells you that his sister is now a famous porn star.

She made a sex tape for some company called "Adult Video Network".
You tell Billy you want to meet his sister.
"No way," he says, "she is crazy."
You ask Billy if he will help you escape from prison.

Billy agrees and you begin to plot your escape:

First you need money.
You know your parents won't be able to bail you out because they are broke.
You think about your mom's credit cards.
Maybe you can use one of her credit cards to buy drugs?

You ask Andy Dufresne for help.

Andy tells you that you must prove yourself worthy of his friendship.
You decide to break into the local bank and rob it.
Billy says, "You should leave town."

You ask Billy what the name of the porno his sister was in and Billy tells you:

"I Spit On Your Grave."
You laugh, "That is funny."
You think about it and say, "Wait a minute.  I know where we can get some money."

You arrive at the headquarters of the "Adult Video Network" and you decide porn is the perfect way to make some quick cash.

You knock on the door and an employee answers.
"Hi, I'm here to pick up a package."
You hand him the DVD and he gives you $100.
"Thank you very much," you say.

The director yells, "CUT!"  and explains that you did have sex at all in the scene.  You are supposed to say something like, "I don't have money, but I can pay with my package!"  Or some other sexual innuendo.  You try the scene again.

This time you say, "I don't have money, but I can pay with my ass!"
The director yells, "CUT!"  and then laughs.
He says, "No, that was not good enough.

You try again and come up with the best sexual innuendo you can think of:

"I don't have money, but I can pay with my dick!"
You watch as the director says, "Cut!  Cut!  That was not right either.
You try again and say, "I don't have money, but I can pay with my tits!"

The director looks dejected, but the film shoot has to continue.  In this next scene, you are in a woman's shoe store and there is a busty woman struggling to put on small high heels.

You go to the counter and say, "Excuse me, I need a size 5."
You offer to help her with her shoes.
She smiles and says, "Oh, thank you so much."

You get in a compromising position and struggle to put on the woman's heels and say, "are you ready for my size 5 Inches?"

You look down and see the director smiling and nod your head yes.
You finish putting on the high heel and say, "I don't believe it.
My foot is so big."

You follow up by saying, "You won't believe what else is big..."

You pause and say, "And I am sure you will love my boobs."
The camera zooms in on your breasts.
The director yells, "CUT!"
You try again and say, "I don't have money, but I can pay with my ass."

The director tells you that you are just not cut out for this business and pays you for the day and sends you home.

You return to your cell and think about what you learned.
You say, "I have two choices: I could either give up or I could find another way to make money."
You know you have to do whatever it takes to survive.

Then it hits you, your childhood hobby:

You recall how you used to steal cars and sell them.
You are going to steal a car and sell it.
You think about your parents' old Lincoln Continental.
It is parked in their garage.

You shake off the idea of selling cars as that is how your cell mate ended up here.  You try to make toilet wine and sell it to the other inmates.  You serve some to the guy in the adjacent and he says, "
Hey man, that is great stuff."
He offers to buy some.
You agree to sell him some.
You say, "But I need a partner."
He says, "Sure."

Your toilet wine takes off!  Soon enough, everyone wants John & Wilbur's Toilet Pinot Noir!

You tell him you will pay him $5 per bottle.
He agrees.
You make $10,000.
You say, "Now I can afford to buy a car."
You drive to a local junkyard and buy a beat up junker.

You finally turn your life around.

Life is good!
You decide to become a mechanic.
You work hard and eventually open your own shop.
You take pride in your work.
One day, you are working on a car and the customer says, "Can you fix my car?"

You look up and notice that the person asking you to fix their car is your brother Richard.

You say, "I can fix anything."
You smile and say, "If you want, I can even fuck you."
He smiles and says, "That would be great."
You start to strip his clothes off and say, "I can't believe you are my little brother."

Director says, "CUT!"

You try again and say, "I can't believe you are my big brother."
The director yells, "CUT!"
You try again and say, "I can't believe you are my son."

The director yells, "CUT!"
You try again and say, "I can't believe you are my father."
The director yells, "CUT!"
You try again and say, "I can't believe you are my mother."

You walk off the set dejected and get into a glass elevator.

As the doors close, you hear your brother Richard say, "I can't believe you are my daughter."
The director yells, "CUT!"
You try again and say, "I can't believe you are my husband."