You are the number one salesman in the Greater Boston area. You are going to Sample Wars, the annual carpet convention in New York City. You are in the lobby of the convention hotel when you hear that famed carpet designer Andrea Rug of the Rug Family will be making a rare appearance. You and your friend John are excited for this event. There has never been a carpet design competition at the level it should be. It would be an honor to have Andrea Rug on stage with other outstanding designers from around the world. You and John head over to the elevator where you wait anxiously. Finally the elevator doors open up to reveal a large ballroom filled with people. You grab John by the hand and dance your way to the ballroom floor, which is covered with the most beautiful carpet you have ever seen. The crowd is so full of energy that you feel like you could just go ahead and jump off the top of the building. The elevator door opens up and you both enter. As soon as you step into the room, you see an even better looking woman than the last time you saw her. She looks exactly like Andrea Rug! This makes you smile and relax. You realize the woman is Andrea Rug and that you are drunk. You go up to Andrea and say, "Fancy a shag? A shag carpet, that is. Ha Ha Ha. Blaaaaaa.". "What the fuck am I doing?" Andrea says. "I'm not supposed to be here!" "Oh come on," you say. "It's the only thing that'll make you feel good right now". Andrea turns red and walks away from you. He then starts talking to himself and muttering to himself. You confess your fandom to Andrea Rug! You tell him "I've always wanted to be like you! You are a carpet genius!" and you grovel at the carpet he stands on. "Well what did you want me to do for you today?" he asks. You panic and ask "Can I sniff your seat?" Andrea Rug looks surprised, but in a good way.. He takes your hands and puts them on his shoulders. Then he leans down and whispers in your ear "Do whatever you want with these hands. They belong to me. Just let me know if they hurt or something bad happens". You take a deep breath and start running your fingers all over his face. His eyes widen in surprise and you let out a loud squeal. At first, you don't notice anything wrong, but after a few minutes, you begin to feel a strange sensation in your chest. Your heart beats faster and faster until it becomes painful. You look down and see a small hole in your chest. The feeling of pain is unbearable, but you can't stop yourself. Your body goes limp and you fall backwards onto the carpet. andrea rug begins to give you passionate mouth to mouth resuscitation . His lips suck on your neck while he tries to keep you alive. Just then, Andrea grows fangs and bites your neck. "You have been saved." he says as your feel better than you ever have in your entire life. Afterwards, you wake up and feel completely fine. your friend john knocks on your hotel room door. You answer the door and he says "Are you feeling ok? You look pale. You left the party early last night." you reply "Yeah I'm fine. I was having a really weird dream, but I think its gone now". john replies "Sounds like you were having fun. So how'd you get invited to the carpet convention anyway?" You say "I made a wish on my birthday candles, and it came true!" John rushes to the nearest grocery store and buys 10 cakes and hundreds of candles. John says, "Time to make some more wishes then!" > You wish for a new car John arrives back home and gives you a big hug. "Wow, you're still alive, well thanks to those candles we managed to save your life!" you reply. John smiles and kisses you before leaving for work. Later, you awake and find that your birthday cake is gone. It seems like someone took it. You go into the kitchen and see your dog has eaten all the cake. Your dog is sitting next to a giant pile of dog treats. John calls you over. "Hey man, the cake is missing. We need to find it. Where did you put it?" you reply "In my truck. In the bed". John grabs his keys and heads out the front door. John drives around town looking for the cake, but doesn't seem to find it. You stare the dog in his eyes while you eat all of his dog treats. "Never forget who your master is," you say between bites of Pupperoni. A police officer pulls up behind John and asks him "Where are you going?" John replies "To find the cake. Its gone". The cop tells John that he needs to turn around and drive back the way he came. John gets out of the car and runs back the way he came. John comes back to the apartment and finds that the cake is gone too. You and John vote to defund the police by absentee ballet. The next day, you decide to go to the police station to report the incident. When you arrive, the cops are nowhere to be seen. You call the carpet convention office and they tell you that the police never showed up. After a couple days pass, you receive a letter in the mail telling you that the police department has been shut down due to budget cuts.
Jimmy Sanguine, a carpet salesman who is very passionate about his job
Posted under Episode 140, Story On By Chief