Jimmy McSwingles, former golfer

Posted under Episode 102, Story On By Chief

You are so tired of golfing that you go to the forest, start a fire and throw all of your golfing equipment in the fire. You don't even bother putting the fire out. The next day, you hear on the news that the forest burned down. You wonder if you're responsible for what happened to the forest. You see on the local news that Tiger Woods was almost killed in the fire and is on the hunt for the person responsible... YOU!

> You take responsibility for the fire. You decide to take full responsibility for the fire. You tell them that you didn't put it out yourself but rather someone else did, which makes you feel like you've done something good. They say they'll help you with the investigation. After the investigation, you realize that you weren't at fault for starting the fire.

You put on your headphones and listen to the Billy Joel song "We didn't start the fire", lean back and smile.

The following morning, you wake up and the sun is shining bright as usual. It's been too long since you slept under the stars. You get dressed and head outside. There's no one around and there hasn't been any rain in days. You walk into the woods and enjoy the fresh air. A few minutes later, you hear some noise coming from behind a tree.

It's Tiger Woods ex-wife, she's pouring gasoline all over the trees. You try to stop her, but she throws a lighter and starts a huge forest fire.

She says she wants to burn down the entire neighborhood because she thinks you're still cheating on her. Tiger Woods: "I'm not cheating on my wife!" Woman: "No, you aren't, honey". Tiger Woods: "What?" Woman: "I said I'm not cheating on my wife, honey".

Elin, Tiger's ex-wife, doesn't believe him. She accuses you of having an affair with Tiger.

Her accusations seem completely true; he's never been here before. He looks very angry and upset. He yells at you and runs off. As soon as he leaves, Elin goes back inside the house and tries to put out the fire. But the flames are already spreading, and it will be too late. When you arrive home, your mother greets you.

You your mother is holding a newspaper with "Local Forest Fire" as the headline. She puts her hand on her hip, then looks at you dissapointed.

Her eyes show how disappointed she is. Your mother: "Honey, you know why this article is here? Because someone started a fire in our backyard. And I'm sure you know what you did". You: "Yes, mom, I do". Mother: "Well, you can't blame me for this".

You tell your mom to put on her headphones, and play "It Wasn't Me," by Shaggy. She leans back and smiles.

A few hours after the fire, you return to school. You look at the class photo and notice that a few people have changed their faces. Some have lost their hair, others have gained weight or grown a different hairstyle. Most of them are wearing new clothes, although you don't recognize most of them. One girl stands out though.

You see Suzanne Dobkins. She was your crush in highschool. She looks beautiful as she stands near the punchbowl.

Her parents were expecting her to come home today to pick her up.

You say "Hey Suzanne, I live with my parents, too!"

Suzanne looks surprised. "Oh... Well, I guess I should come home now". Afterwards, you ask her about the incident at the lake. She tells you that someone threw a rock at her car. Her father tried to chase the man, but he ran away. The police found the body of a young man nearby.

You reveal to Suzanne that you heard a rumor about who the real killer is. You think this will impress her.

Suzanne seems pleased. Later, when you're sitting in the cafeteria, you overhear a conversation between two girls. Girl 1: Hey, what's going on? Girl 2: What? Who are you talking to? Boy: Oh, just me. I thought you might want to talk to me.

A rumor starts to spread that you are the killer from the lake and also had an obsession with Suzanne and would kill again if she asked you to.

Girl 1: Really? That's so cool! Girl 2: Yeah, well I don't care. I mean, I'm glad you told me, but I really don't care. Boy: So, are you gonna go find the truth? Girl 1: Um... yeah. Boy: Cool! Now let's go!

You see your old gym teacher at the DJ table, Mr Babkoo. You both make eye contact, then look away in shame.

At lunchtime, you sit next to your friend, Bobby. Bobby: "So, uh, are you excited to graduate? Like, do you wanna go to college or something?" You: "Yeah, I'm pretty much ready to leave". Bobby: "Wow, you're a lot more confident than I am".

You Tell Bobby how to become more confident.

Bobby: "Huh? Is that right? Well, good luck Bobby. I wish you luck". Later, you finish your homework and get ready to go to your first day of classes. You walk through the halls, looking for a familiar face. Suddenly, you spot a familiar face. Bobby: "Hey Suzy, where are you headed?"

You make a sweet joke and say "I'm going to sex ed class" and chuckle. You feel good about it.

Then, you suddenly realize that you forgot your backpack. You quickly run into the hall and grab it. You open it up, and there it is. It's full of stuff you need to take to school. You smile and start running towards the front doors. There's no one there. Bobby: "Sweetie, wait!". After school, you head to the bus stop.

You talk to Bobby about him calling you sweetie. "Look Bobby," you tell him. "I understand sexuality is a spectrum, but I'm firmly on the heterosexual side of it. Take you desires for me, go to the forest and throw them in a fire.".

> You continue... After school, you head to the bus stop. You talk to Bobby about him calling you sweetie. "Look Bobby," you tell him. "I understand sexuality is a spectrum, but I'm firmly on the heterosexual side of it. Take you desires for me, go to the forest and throw them in a fire"..

You step onto the bus and find your seat. As the bus drives away, you stare at Bobby out of the window and give him a big thumbs down as you drive away.

The bus ride goes by and you finally arrive at your school. You walk inside and find yourself alone. You look around and see some kids staring at you. They all seem to be whispering to each other. A couple of them even approach you. One of them says "Hi, we're Mikey and his girlfriend Brenda".

You say "Hi guys, are you trying to bullly me?"

Another kid walks up to you. He's short and skinny, he wears glasses. He smiles at you and asks "Are you Suzy?". You blush and try not to laugh. You try to stifle your laughter, but it comes out anyway. Mikey: "Hahaha, sorry, I didn't know you were gay".

You say "I'm not gay and also not a woman." Brenda overhears this and says "Oh my god he's a homophobic trans hater, time to cancel Jimmy McSwingles!" and all the kids join in the hate mob forming around you.

Mikey: "Well, maybe I was wrong, maybe we shouldn't judge people based on their sexual preferences. Anyway, thanks for the nice day".

You tell people that "sex with animals is up to an individual and not the metally of their friends ok".

You end up getting suspended for three days. The principal demands an explanation for your actions. You explain to him that you were just joking around. When you got home, you cried for three whole days.

You are furious at everyone for challenging your beliefs, so you decide to enter the local golf tournament as a Republican.

You win the entire thing. Years later, you're married and have children. You still play golf every now and then, but you've stopped playing competitively. You've grown tired of the whole ordeal.

You Your son comes to you and asks you to play golf. Your wife Brenda is all for it, but you tell him golf is for losers.

Years pass and eventually your son asks you if you want to come back to visit. You accept the invitation. This time, however, you bring your family along. Your son asks you what happened during your suspension, you tell him about the bullying incident and how it made you angry and depressed. Your son says "Mommy, why did you suspend us?"

You bend down on one knee in front of your son from a previous marriage. You perfrom a magic trick and pull a quarter out of his ear. Then you say "I have to go now. Good luck.".

Your son looks at you and smiles. He runs over to hug you and hugs you tightly. He tells you that you're a great dad. One year passes and your son starts high school. He's very happy and eager to learn everything he can. You enjoy spending time with him and he loves you. The next year, you attend a political rally.

You realize all of the country's problems can be fixed by building a wall. Not wanting to wait for the government, you start building it yourself, and you ask your son to help you.

One night while you're working on the wall, you hear a noise coming from outside. You peek out the door and see a small creature crawling on the floor. It looks like a spider, but much smaller. It looks scared and weak. Its eyes are red and swollen shut. It crawls closer to you and squeaks.

You say "Hey little fella, can I help you?"

It slowly gets up and approaches you. It slowly walks towards you and you take a deep breath before saying "Its okay, I'm here for you".. It nods its head and turns around to leave. Suddenly, you feel something hit your back. You turn around and see the creature standing right behind you. It reaches out and grabs you by the collar.

You piss your pants and cry for help.

Everyone else in the room does too. You call your friend Jimmy McSwingles to come to your aid. His name sounds familiar. He rushes over and tries to grab the creature, but it manages to break free and run off into the woods. You scream for him to chase after it, but he doesn't listen and keeps running.

You realize that you are Jimmy McSwingles and the venom from the little creature is causing you to have an outer body experience.

> You get revenge against the bully You rush to your car and slam the door shut. You don't care anymore, you just need to punish this asshole. You throw your keys at the ground and begin driving. You speed up until you reach speeds that would make a normal human sick. You slam on the breaks and accelerate hard.

You spot the spider creature following you. You get out of your car and pull your favorite golf club, which you call the McSwinglenator, out of the trunk. You prepare to bash the spider creature.

Suddenly, you feel a sharp pain in your chest. You look down and see that the poison arrow shot by the spider creature had pierced your heart. You collapse onto the grass and die.

You regain conciousness and you see Bobby sucking the venom out of your body. You are alive again. He looks at you and smiles.

He takes you to hospital where doctors remove the poison arrow. They give you a transfusion of frog blood. You live another two years.

On the eve of your second death, you visit Bobby to suck more of the poison out. "I'm happy to suck you off any time," Bobby tells you. Bobby sucks out the poison, extending your life.

You live another five years.

You tell Bobby "Put on this wig the next time you suck out the poison. Thanks.".

You live another ten years.

You tell Bobby, "Wear this dress when you suck out the poison. It belonged to my late wife.".

You live another fifteen years.

You tell Bobby "I want to live forever. NOW GET THAT POISON.".

Bobby goes through with your wishes.

Now that you are fully immortal, you go to get revenge on the spider creature. You grab the McSwinglenator and head to the forest accompanied by Elin, Tiger Woods' ex-wife and the most vengeful person you know.

Elin is furious. She screams at you, "What the fuck do you think you're doing?! That was my fucking house! What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Tiger Woods is also mad at you. He yells at you, "Get the fuck outta here bitch!" The rest of your friends are jealous of you.

You call your old golf buddy O.J. Simpson and tell him "Juice, I need your help.".

Juice agrees to help and says he'll drive you to the place. When you arrive, you find a bunch of people tied up and gagged. The spiders have taken them away to their underground lair. You enter the cave and find the spiders eating them one by one. You kill them all. Finally, you find the last one chained up. It is the spider creature.

You tell OJ the spider has taken his memorabilia, and he becomes enraged and attacks the spider.

You beat him up badly enough that he lets loose a horrible howl. Everyone in the cave hears it. It scares everyone so badly that they immediately stop attacking you. OJ asks you what you did to the creature, but you refuse to answer. The end.

You are arrested for spidercide but claim innocence and start a media campaign to find "the real killers."

The police arrest you and put you in jail. A judge sentences you to death. You plead not guilty and ask for mercy. The judge refuses and sentences you to death anyway.

You attempt to fake your own death in prison.

However, the guards catch you and force feed you to the spiders. They then eat you.

You say "Choke on it!" as you are ripped limb from limb. Bobby crys from behind the glass.

He cries and begs for someone to save you. Someone finally comes to the rescue. It's none other than Elin. She uses her powers of persuasion and convinces the guard to let you leave. You escape and run back home. At first, nobody believes you, but eventually everybody accepts your story. People even start coming around asking about you.

You tell Bobby "I think a spider injected venom into my urethera. I need you to suck it out. Put on these sunglasses.".

You take a cab to a nearby park and hide under a tree while Bobby sucks out the poison. "It tastes terrible," Bobby remarks. "Yeah, it does," you reply. Your eyes begin to burn and you cough up a large amount of blood. "Oh shit, I think I got poisoned," you say.

Bobby sucks the venom out of your mouth, and then it turns into a passionate kiss. You realize that you are in love with Bobby and want him around, not just for his magic mouth, but because he's been a loyal friend.

> You go back to work "Hey Bobby, I think we should go back to work. We've done some good things lately". Bobby nods and smiles. "Yeah, yeah, let's go back to work". A few days later, you return to work. It seems like everything is going well. You get a lot of positive feedback.