You want more stuff, like a new TV, video games, etc., so you decide to take that stuff from Jason's house. You break into Jason's house, in the middle of the night, and start bagging up his stuff. Jason walks into the living room and sees you carrying a big red bag. He says, "Jim, I didn't know you're Santa Claus." You say, "Ho, ho, ho. Merry July.". > You continue... You continue... "Yeah, but what about the kids?" "The kids? What about them? They don't need any toys for Christmas! They'll be happy with their own!" "Well, they can have whatever they want if they give me money. But I'm not giving them anything". "What?!" Jim asks "Where are the milk and cookies?" "They're at grandma's house. She doesn't live here anymore, she died last year. And where is my sister, Kathy?" "She lives over there, on the other side of town. Go get her and bring back some presents for me". You go to Kathy's house. Jim asks you "Where are the milk and cookies?" You tell him "Kathy lives over there, on the other side of town. Go get her and bring back some presents for me". After getting all your presents and bringing them back to Jim, he tells you "Thanks again, now let's play a game of hide-and-seek!". You tie Kathy up and tell her she won't get any presents if she doesn't hand over the keys to her house. Kathy is a waitress who gave you bad service at a diner yesterday. You don't think it was fair that she got nothing for being rude to you. So you tie her up and ask her to go find the milk and cookies. When she comes back, she finds two men standing outside her door. One of them has a gun. The other one has a box cutter. You promise Kathy won't get hurt if she just lets the men take all her stuff. > You let the men take everything Kathy owns... You let the men take everything Kathy owns... You open the front door and step out onto the porch. Your hands are bloody. You hear Kathy screaming. You run back inside the house. You see the men holding guns to Kathy's head. "I thought you said you were going to help me!" Kathy screams. You see Jim come down the chimney and out of the fireplace. He tells the gunman "stand down" and they lay they guns on the ground and bow deeply. Jim walks over to Kathy and unties her with a twinkle in his eye. Then he kisses her cheek and hugs her tightly. "It's okay," he whispers. "We're gonna make it". Kathy smiles and nods her head. Jim looks around and then turns to you "Come on, we gotta go". "Wait, wait, wait," you say. "Let me..". Jim stops you. You see Jim come down the chimney and out of the fireplace. He tells the gunman "stand down" and they lay they guns on the ground and bow deeply. Jim walks over to Kathy and unties her with a twinkle in his eye. Then he kisses her cheek and hugs her tightly. "It's okay," he whispers. "We're gonna make it". Kathy smiles and nods her head. "It's okay," he whispers. "We're gonna make it". Jim looks around and then turns to you "Come on, we gotta go". "Wait, wait, wait," you say. "Let me.".. You see Jason, elf and head of reindeer care, has to clean up all the reindeer shit to not leave any evidence. You walk with Jason towards the car. Jason: "Hey, how'd it go?" You:"It went good," you reply. Jason:"Good huh?" You:"That was the most fun you've had since Mommy and Daddy died". Jason:"Oh yeah, well thanks for making it easier than it shoulda been". You see Jason pull out a picture of his parents and watch a single tear go down his face. Then he takes another picture of himself and puts it in the box. "Now I have to put this in the box too", he explains, as he points to the box. "And the next time I go through here, I won't forget to do it". You:"Okay, Jason, I guess..". Jason: "So...where's the girl you were talking about earlier?". You say to Jason "Kathy is in the back seat", as you point to Kathy in the back seat of the car. "What else is in the box?" you ask Jason. Jason:"Nothing, except the key to the lock on the door. Now Kathy is so scared right now, she wouldn't even move from where she's sitting. If I didn't have the key, she would've tried to jump out of the window or something". You tell Kathy everything is going to be alright and she should take you to her bank so she can withdraw all of her life's savings for you. At the bank, Kathy says "Hi, I'm Kathy, what's your name?". You:"James" Kathy:"How old are you?" You:"Twenty five" Kathy:"Well, I'm twenty three..". Kathy:"So, how did you meet?" You:"At work...in fact I met you while working at work". You look at Kathy's pin number as she enters it into the machine, and you memorize it in your visual memory banks. As you enter the ATM room, you notice that the cashier behind the counter is missing, but the manager appears to be watching you intently. Then you realize that the manager is gone! Suddenly, the ATM machine starts to malfunction and the cashier behind the counter begins to disappear! Steel shudders fall behind the bank teller counters and police surround the bank telling you to surrender. You use Kathy as a human shield and try to negotiate with the police. You explain that you know who killed your parents and that you need money for college. They don't believe you, however, and begin firing their weapons at you. Your mother cries out for you to stop her son, but you ignore her pleas and continue to fire your weapon. A bullet hits your father's neck causing him to collapse backwards and hitting his head against the wall. You scream "NOOOOO" as you witness your father being shot. You pull out two min uzi sub machine guns from your big red magic santa bag and begin spraying bullets recklessly. Bullets start flying everywhere. The police fire upon you, killing one of them. The other officer shoots you in the leg, wounding you badly. The police force surrounding you quickly retreats back to the safe area. You hear gunshots coming from there. Suddenly, you feel an intense pain in your chest. It feels like you just got shot by a shotgun blast. You yell out to the police and tell them you are Santa Claus. They fire back at you, killing one of them. The police now surround you and one of them fires a pistol round into your back. You scream in agony and drop the gun. Another one of them fires a rifle round into your back. You scream in agony and drop the gun. You whistle for your magic flying reindeer. Rudolph flies down from the skies and bites off a cops head. Then Rudolph grabs you and your friends and flies everyone to your base at the north pole. Rudolph tells you that you'll get over it soon. Watch as Rudolph's nose shines bright and your bullet wounds start to heal, but he forgets to remove the bullets, so it's not life threatening but it still hurts bad. > You finish off the remaining police officers. The police officers are dead, you have taken care of all of them. You turn to the last officer standing and shoot him in the head. He falls backwards and hits his head against the wall. Your reindeer fly away and land on top of you. Rudolph lets out a huge laugh. as you fly away in your sleigh you say "HO HO HO. MERRY CHRISTMAS." and all the cops are magically brought back to life. You laugh and yell "NOW YOU ARE ON MY NAUGHTY LIST.". You look over to Kathy in your sleigh and wink at her. She smiles back at you and kisses you on the cheek. You smile and nod back at her. The end.
Jim, a lovable troublemaker
Posted under Episode 123, Story On By Chief