One day, a live-action reboot of The Lion King comes to theaters. You attend a screening of the film, with your friends, Jason and Tony. The film is so bad, that you start roaring like a lion and you also tearing up the screen. Jason looks concerned, while Tony looks amused. > You watch the movie again You decide to go back to the theater and see if it was just your imagination or not. It isn't. You actually have seen the movie twice now. Once when it first came out in 1994, and again recently at a different showing. Both times you were the only person who saw the movie. You go to the zoo and tell the real lions there your opinion about the movie. They don't seem too surprised by your words. You You, Jason and Tony go to a diner to talk about the movie. Jason said he liked it OK. Tony gives his opinion without being asked: He hated it. You agree. Everyone agrees on how terrible the movie is. Later, as you all eat breakfast, your mother walks into the room. She asks what's wrong. "Nothing", you say. Your mom then says she has some news for you. She tells you that her sister, Mary, is going to marry one of those characters from the movie! "What?!" You say "That's crazy! What character is she going to Marry?" "The handsome Prince Eric". "Oh... well I guess that makes sense..". Your Mom leaves. "Mom!" you say, trying to catch up to her. She doesn't respond. Instead, she goes to the refrigerator, grabs a bottle of wine and drinks it quickly, before turning around and walking away. You find out your aunt Mary is bringing Prince Eric to Thanksgiving. You can't wait to you him. > You go to the movies with your family You decide to go with your family to the movies. You sit down next to your dad and brother Tony. As you're watching the movie, you notice something strange. There are several scenes where the camera zooms in on various parts of the actors' bodies. You see Prince Eric is actually Elton John, who wrote the original soundtrack. Your Dad starts laughing. "Whoa, what's so funny? We've been talking about this for years and nobody believed us". Tony smiles nervously. "Well, we did until now". You look over at Jason who hasn't moved an inch. His eyes are glued to the screen. Your Dad continues. "Jason, why aren't you moving?" Jason is super into watching the Lion King, and Jason gets angry when your dad distracts him. He yells at your dad in front of the whole theater. "It wasn't my idea! My father told me to stay put!" Your dad tries to calm Jason down, but Jason is still mad. Suddenly, your dad sees a man dressed in red appear behind Jason. He turns around and screams "Elijah!" Elijah appears behind Jason, and he immediately runs off. Your dad sighs. You get scared and spill popcorn everywhere. You turn to your brothers and sisters. "We need to leave". Tony and Jason both nod their head in agreement. You go home and meet Prince Eric. He tells you the man in red your dad saw is Elijah, the Thanksgiving demon. He steals stuffing from bad children and makes the turkey dry. Your family is terrified by this revelation. Year 24 You wake up early one morning and walk outside. You see a black van parked near the house. You run inside and lock yourself in your bedroom. When you hear a door open, you rush out of your room and hide under your bed. A loud noise wakes you up. It sounds like a plane crashing. You see Elijah the Thanksgiving Demon has broken through your front door. He is holding a bottle of Boone's Farm wine. "Happy STANKSgiving, everybody," he says with a cackle. He slinks back into the darkness and disappears. You feel very sad. You let out a big Lion Roar in anguish. Years later... Years pass and things change. You grow older and become more independent. You even buy your own house. One night, your son Jason arrives home from school. He is wearing a suit and tie. You are shocked to see him here. He had never come to visit before. "Mommy, why didn't you ever come to visit me anymore?" You Your son Jason says to you, "Hey dad, can I borrow the car keys? See you later can I have them please?". Your heart sinks. "No, Jason, you cannot. This is a very serious time". You grab your pistol and point it at your son. "Go upstairs, take your clothes off and get in the shower. Then, come back here, and kneel in front of me". Jason complies with your instructions. You say "Now hug Mommy like a good boy." Jason hugs you tightly and kisses your cheek. You smile and pat his head. You kiss him goodbye and tell him to be careful. The rest of the day passes uneventfully. Later that evening, your son comes home from school crying. He looks really upset. "I'm sorry, Daddy. I just wanted to say..". You say "STOP. Do not say what you are about to say. Now go run around the block, then hose yourself off with the garden hose, then prepare my footbath. Don't tell your mother.". Your son nods and runs off. Years later... Years pass and things change. You grow older and become more independent. You even buy your own house. One night, your daughter Mary walks into your room while you are asleep. She is wearing a dress and high heels. She stares at you and whispers in your ear. You continue. "Daddy, can I live here with you forever?" Your wife Mary asks you if this is true. You don't know how to answer. Mary: "Yes, yes it is. Just think, you won't have to worry about paying rent again, or buying groceries, or cooking dinner, or washing dishes, or doing anything else". You sneak down to the movie theater in the basement and watch the original version of the "Lion King". You are amazed at the amazing special effects. Suddenly you see Tony in the movie! Tony waves at you. "Help me, Jim, I've been trapped in the movie this whole time!" Your son Jason arrives home from school. He is wearing a suit and tie. You are shocked to see him here. He had never come to visit before. "Mommy, why didn't you ever come to visit me anymore?" You grab your pistol and point it at your son. "Stop. Do not say what you are about to say". You order your son to take off his clothes and get in the movie. Jason complies with your instruction. You say "Now hug Mommy like a good boy". Jason hugs you tightly and kisses your cheek. You smile and pat his head. You kiss him goodbye and tell him to be careful. The rest of the day passes uneventfully. Later that evening, your daughter Mary comes home from school crying. She looks really upset. You remember Tony is trapped in the animated Lion King and push your daughter out of the way to help him out. You hand the theater owner a big briefcase full of money and tell him to play "The Lion King" on repeat for the rest of the day. Later that night, your son Jason comes home from school. He is wearing a suit and tie. You are shocked to see him here. He had never come to visit before. "Mommy, why didn't you ever come to visit me anymore?" Jason: "Stop. Do not say what you are about to say". You shove Jason away and demand an explanation. You Enter the movie with Jason to help Tony. Suddenly you hear a gunshot and the sound of glass breaking. You look over and see Tony lying dead on the floor. His throat has been slit. You turn around and see Jason standing there with a rifle in hand. He fires several times into Tony's body. A few days later, you wake up to find a note taped to your door. It reads: Dear Mr. You continue. A month later... It's been two years since you first came to live here. Things have changed quite a bit. The world is now a dangerous place, but you still enjoy your life here. One morning you wake up to the sounds of gunfire outside. Two men dressed in black suits enter the trailer park. They wear bullet proof vests and carry automatic weapons. You Load your bazooka and say a silent prayer for the souls of the men you are about to kill. They shoot your neighbors who were watching TV, and then fire upon you. You duck behind one of the trailers as bullets tear through the air. Another man with a shotgun opens fire on the gunmen, killing one instantly. You hide behind a tree and wait for the police to arrive. When they do, you try to explain what happened, but they aren't interested. You notice one of the dead gunman has a Mickey Mouse tattoo on the back on his neck. So does the other gunman. You also notice the police officers have guns in their hands. You quickly realize you're in deep shit. You see the police officers have Mickey Mouse Club badges on their uniforms. You call out to them, but they ignore you. You begin to panic and pray that you die alone. Suddenly a large truck drives by and hits the police car causing the driver to fall out of the window. You hide behind a dumpster until the shooting stops, then you rush out to see what is going on. You see the driver is Tony. He sings a song to the cops' mangled bodies: "M-I-C-K-EY, M-O-U are dead motherfuckas.". > You go to the police station You run towards the police station and hide behind a trash bin. You listen carefully to the radio. There is no news. You look through the trash and see a small bag containing a map and a key. You put the map in your pocket and the key in your front pants pocket. You follow the map, which leads you to a castle. It's just like the Castle at Disney World, but much bigger. You wonder if you should go inside. Then you think of something. If you ever meet someone who needs a ride, you could give them a lift to the castle. You look at the map and it leads you into the basement of the castle. You walk down the stairs and open the heavy iron doors. Inside is dark, but you can make out some furniture. On the far wall is a staircase leading up to a balcony. You climb the stairs and enter the balcony. There is a huge fireplace. In front of it is a stage where a giant man is dancing to music. The giant man has a tiny head. You realize it is the head of Walt Disney. "Ho Ho Ha," Walt Disney says to you. "Hi my name is John Smith. I'm the creator of all this fun stuff. Now let me show you a wonderful time". You say "I know it's you Walt DISNEY! You've destroyed my life and killed all my neighbors, it's time for you to DIE!" Walt turns to you and smiles. "Now you'd better be careful, because I'm gonna kill somebody else soon". You take the key out of your front pocket and hold it up in the air for Walt to see! HAHAHAHAHA. Walt walks off stage and you close the curtains. You hear the gunshots of the police and the screams of your neighbors. You see a keyhole in the back of Walt Disney's neck. You stick the key in and turn it until you hear a click. You put the key in your pocket and leave the house. You see the house explode. You walk away from the explosion like a badass. But then you hear Walt yell "I'm not done with you JIM!". > You enter the Haunted Mansion As you walk along the Haunted Mansion, you hear the screams of your neighbors. You don't want to go in, but you feel obligated. You enter the mansion and see the ghosts of your neighbors. They scream at you, telling you to get out. Then they laugh and tell you how you ruined their lives. You call forth your Son Jason and your brother Tony to fight the ghosts that are shaming and ridiculing you. "JASON, HEEL!". Tony punches a ghost in the face, and laughs. "Hahaha! That was hilarious! Hahahaha!" Jason grabs another ghost by the throat and throws him against a wall. "HAHAHAHA! THAT WAS FUNNY! HAHAHAHA!" Then you both punch a ghost in the crotch and throw him onto the ground. Tony pulls a rosary out of his pocket, and you laugh at him. But the ghosts fly away in fear. You, Jason and Tony head to the top floor, where Disney awaits. Disney tells you he wants to talk to you. He says he knows you're the guy who did this to his family. He says if you help him find the murderer, he'll spare your life. You tell Disney "You are in luck. I am the murderer. HAHAHAHAHA!". > You refuse Disney says "No, I will never forgive you".. You punch him hard in the face and knock him to the ground. The police arrive and arrest you. You are thrown in the back of a van, you arrive at a movie theater. The cops take you to a theater playing The Lion King, a portal in the screen opens up and you are thrown into the movie. You are trapped to be in the movie, Walt takes the films to the Disney Vault where you spend the next 20 years. Years pass... You have just finished watching "The Lion King" for the one millionth time. You begin choking on a kernal of popcorn. A voice calls out to you. "Hey kid, what're ya doing? This movie ain't over yet!" A young boy approaches you and asks what's wrong. You explain everything to him. The boy looks at you and says "That's weird, I remember when the movie started, there were two lions fighting, now there's just one". You realize the boy is Jonathan Taylor Thomas, the voice of Simba. You ask him to free him from the vault, and he sets you free. You hurtle back into the real world. Now it's time for revenge. You go to the park and kidnap the kids of the neighborhood. You taunt them, making them believe you are a hero. Eventually you capture every single child in the neighborhood. Finally you decide to release the children, and you do so. Your friends come to rescue you. They beat you and tie you up, but they don't kill you. You capture Walt Disney and freeze him in carbonite. Just before he is about to be frozen again, he says, "I love you." You tell him, "I know.". Then you open the door and blast him with ice cold water. You leave him to die and head home. You decide for the heck of it to pop The Lion King into in your VHS player. When you start up the movie, you see all of your friends and neighbors screaming to be let out... and then you see YOURSELF! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! You laugh maniacally and say, "Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! HA HA!" You run down the street laughing and shouting at everyone. It's just you and the audience, and you can do anything!
Jim, a big Lion King fan
Posted under Episode 107, Story On By Chief