Jenny from the Block reps the Bronx and she would die for her neighborhood

Posted under Episode 145, Story On By Chief

You see a man in a green apron walking down your block. He informs you he is with Starbucks, which is opening a new store in the Bronx. You scream "NO GENTRIFICATION!" and punch the man in his apron.

He falls to the ground and you kick him in the head several times before he can get up. You leave Starbucks and go back to your apartment. The man who knocked out your assailant returns to tell you that someone has been trying to break into your building. You don't think much of it until you hear the police sirens outside.

You scream "NO POLICE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD" and throw a Molotov cocktail and the cop cars.

> You wait for the cops to come... The next day you are waiting for the cops when they arrive. They are not there yet so you decide to wait some more. After about an hour you hear the sounds of helicopters overhead. You call out "THEY'RE COMING FOR US ALL". You run to the window and watch as the helicopters circle around your building.

You go to the roof of your building and start throwing Starbucks coffee at the helicopters. "THANKS A LATTE!" you scream.

The helicopters turn their attention towards the rooftops where you have thrown your coffee. One hits your building and knocks over a few nearby buildings causing them to collapse on top of each other. The helicopter pilot yells at you to stop but you ignore him. Another helicopter flies by and you jump off the edge to land safely on the street below.

You run down the street, with Starbucks' private security pursuing you. You run inside the Bronx Starbucks, which is having its grand opening today.

As you enter you notice that the place looks like it's under siege. It's windows are broken and the front door is open. There are armed men standing guard outside. Suddenly a tall, thin man wearing glasses steps out from behind the counter. He holds a gun in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other.

You walk up to him very slowly and give him a nice smile, then you throw a huge cup of scalding coffee right in his face and scream "No Gentrification in the Bronx Yo!".

The man doesn't even react, he just takes the cup of coffee and walks away. He turns around and sees you and raises his hands in surrender. You grab his arm and pull him forward. You both tumble through the glass doors and fall onto the sidewalk. You continue to fight until the NYPD arrives.

He says, "I'm Howard Schultz, damn it! Arrest this woman!!!"

You say, "It was my revenge for the gentrifier invasion of the Bronx!!"

Howard Schultz says he will leave the Bronx if the City of New York sells him the New York Knick basketball team. He promises he will not move the team to Antarctica.

You say, "That's what I thought". After the arrest, you and Howard Schultz are taken to the precinct together. Howard asks you how you know him. You reply, "Because we're both from the Bronx".

You call the Mayor of the Bronx and tell him to pardon you.

Mayor Dolan calls you a liar and tells you to take a hike.

You pry open the jail bars with your prodigious butt cheeks. You and Howard escape into the sultry Bronx night.

> You escape the Bronx You and Howard Schultz are running along the streets, laughing and shouting obscenities at the policemen and the citizens. When you reach a bridge, you look over at Howard and gasp, "We're going to the mainland". Suddenly, a cop car comes speeding toward you. The driver stops abruptly, and the passenger opens fire.

You and Howard hold hands and jump off the bridge into the freezing cold water below.

You swim across the river to freedom. When you emerge from the frigid waters, you find yourself in a small town called "Dumfriesville". You are greeted by a crowd of people who are all cheering for you. Some of them want to shake your hand, others want to buy you a drink. You recognize a couple of these people, including your neighbor George.

You realize you are in New Jersey. Horrified, you and Howard Schultz and George swim back across the river to New York. You thank God you are back in the Bronx.

Chapter 3: THE END

Epilogue. It is a quiet day in the Bronx. The smoke from the burned-out Starbucks rises across the morning sky. You and Howard Schultz drink espressos from a fair-trade, independent coffee shop. Howard Schultz tries to kiss you. You shake your head, and point at your butt. He kisses it with glee. BRONC FOREVER!

The End