Jenna Long, a seven-foot-tall ninja assassin

You are Jenna Long, a seven-foot-tall woman. Knowing that nobody watches the WNBA, you decide to become a ninja assassin instead. Your master immediately notices that your hips are about chest-level with most men. He introduces you to the "hular hoop," a deadly circular weapon favored by the ancient Hawaiians. You train in the art of hular hooping for two years, until it's finally time for your first mission. Your target is:

"A man who has been stealing from his neighbors and lying about it."

Your mission goes well; you kill him without trouble.
You are immediately promoted and put on a high level mission.  You know must killed well known Hollywood actor:

"He was the lead singer of a band called 'The Juke Joints.'"

"We have been ordered to assassinate this man because he has no right to lie about being famous."
> You decide to sleep with him before killing him.
You sneak into his hotel room and he gives you a bear hug, crushing your upper body. You can barely breathe, but the warm embrace comforts you.
you say your the new Tambourine player for his band. you show him your hular hoop disguised as a tambourine.
He plays a few songs for you and tells you that you have really good rhythm. He asks you if you want to hang out later.
You get the lead singer back to his private suite at the motel 6 and as he drops his drawers you break out your hular hoop and decapitate him. You dump his head in the refrigerator before leaving.
You are put on your next mission: a double hit job.  Tony, a guy who is wanted for attempting to murder a talented actor named Jeremy Renner and The Swedish Chef, who makes Meatballs for IKEA with his Secret Ingredient, Horse.
You are to perform the hits at the MGM Grand. The first hit is on The Swedish Chef, who is going to be at the hotel for a while.
> You see Tony at the buffet and make a plan to poison his food.
You find the Swedish Chef at the buffet line.
"Hi, do you think the chefs here could mix some food coloring into my food? It's kind of important."
you hand the Chef some strycnine and say "its the secret ingredient" before running off.
You make it back to your room and with the help of some coffee you took earlier, you wait for around 1 and a half hours before going to the buffet.
You return to the buffet to see the poison meatballs have been out.  You go and quickly and silently kill the chef and then go out to the front room to personally serve Tony the poison meatballs.
You watch as he greedily eats them. After the meat has fallen apart and his eyes glaze over, you put a bullet in his head.
you say "eat lead" and his body is removed.
You are then informed that some men with guns just entered the hotel and are looking for you. you you quickly go to the roof where you wait for the cops to arrive.
You use a sewing to repel off the roof and escape.
You quickly get in a taxi and tell the driver to take you to the airport. After getting in a plane, you realize you don't have any money.
The moral of the story: THIEVES CAN BE REALLY FUCKING SLOW.