Jeff Hines, a young man who is a candidate for mayor of Albany, New York

Posted under Episode 111, Story On By Chief

You attend a public press-conference, while wearing a bathrobe and old pajamas. You are asked what you'll do if you become mayor. You casually say, "I don't have any plans. I might build a community or something. I don't know." You are asked if you'll be a good mayor. You shrug your shoulders and say, "Maybe.".

You continue to the next questioner, who asks how you feel about being in charge of the police force. You smile at this question, but answer it truthfully. "No". You're then asked whether you'd like to take over as the head of the school system. You shake your head no. The next person asks whether you'd like to run for Congress.

You say "I'd like to run for your mom."

You laugh. This gets a few laughs from the crowd. Then you get an odd look on your face. It's not one of happiness or joy, but rather one of sadness. You turn away from the crowd and walk off into the woods behind the building. As you walk away, you hear someone yell out, "Hey Jeff! Are you okay?"

You say "I thought that mom joke would get more laughs. Maybe I'm not cut out to be mayor." You kick a pine cone.

"Well, I guess that answers my questions". A couple people come up to you. One says, "What happened? Did he cry? Did he kill himself? Did he just go insane?" The other person says, "He didn't cry, he was fine".

You say "Please stop bullying me. Don't you see I'm very vulnerable right now?"

> You ask him why he bullied you The first person replies, "Because I had to. That's all there is to it". You reply, "Yeah, well you can stop bullying me now". The second person responds, "Oh yes, we've got time for both of us". He walks away with his hands in his pockets.

You decide to start a campaign to "END ALL THE BULLIES". You make plans to put all the bullies into a camp where they can be separated from the good people of society.

You begin to write a manifesto. You spend hours writing your manifesto. You think about every word you type. You try to imagine yourself saying them aloud, but nothing comes out.

You decide to take steroids so you can fight a bully at each campaign stop.

You buy some and inject them in your arm. You also start drinking beer. You drink two beers before going to the next campaign event. You finish the beer by noon. By 2 PM, you've been drinking beer until 4 PM. At 5:30 PM, you're feeling sick. You vomit in a trashcan. You decide to go home.

You lift weights and continue to inject steroids instead of campaigning. You gain 1600 lbs of muscle and your campaign manager thinks you've thrown the race. The day of the vote you show up to a rally at the Mayor's office ripped as hell and ready to take office.

The election results come in. You win. You become Mayor.

You lift weights until you are sworn in and gain another 200 lbs of muscle.

You are happy.

You promise the people who elected you that you will get the pork out of government and replace it with high-protein, flavorless chicken breasts. You begin by changing all school lunches to high-protein, flavorless chicken breasts.

Soon, you change everything except the mayor's mansion which you rename Chickentown. You continue to eat chicken breasts and gain even more weight. You are determined to get rid of all fat and give everyone skinny little arms. One day, you find out that you were born a girl. You scream in horror. Everyone around you looks shocked.

You rush over to your parents' house and ask them why they never told you that you were a girl.

They tell you that they were afraid that you wouldn't accept their child. You refuse to listen to their advice. You insist that you want to live the way you were meant to live. One day, you discover that you were born a boy. You scream in terror. People around you look scared. You grab your father's hand and demand to know why they always lied to you.

You decide it does not matter whether you are a boy or a girl because all that matters is doing the best you can as Mayor of Albany!