Jason, a worm pilot “randomly” selected to fight alien invaders

Posted under EP319 #1, Jason, Story On By Chief

You are Jason, a normal guy living in Detroit. As you get ready for the day, you suddenly hear sirens go off. You look out the window to see that aliens are invading. You panic for a moment, but calm down when you hear a knock on your door. When you answer the door you see a group of scientists who say that you have been "randomly" selected to pilot giant worms to combat the alien menace. You look at them and say "I don't think I'm up to it." They then ask if you want to come with them or not.
you are hesitant to accept when you see that the scientists have several armed military personnel with them. You try to explain why you aren't interested in this mission, but they just shoot you down as an unwilling participant.
> You accept their mission.
You agree to pilot the worm. When they first put you in the chair, you see everything slowed down in front of you. You almost feel like you're part of a IMAX film.
you start the worms systems and a checklist appears detailing the worms weaponary: a rapid-fire laser, a spread of gas, and a telepathic mike.
The first alien horde attacks almost immediately. The aliens are fast and quite fatal with their claws and weapons.
> You read the manual to learn how to use the telepathic mike.
You find a button that attaches a telepathic mike to your ear. A loud beeping noise immediately sounds through your head.
"This is no more than a glorified walkie-talkie."
as you fight off the aliens you begin to get overwhelmed and you deploy an ear piercing screech with your telepathic Mike. You manage to wipe out large groups of them with it.
It takes a while for you to realize that the alien horde is dwindling and your area is clear of hostiles.
You receive an incoming video call from the alien horse's leader. He looks every bit as bizarre as the horse he's riding on, but somehow much more intelligent.
"It is time for payment, human." he says in a deep voice.
> You say "What are your demands?"
"Your planet sucks, now give me your shit!"
The alien leader is very hostile.
"I don't see my planet as something to be bartered with."
"Oh trust me, you will."
You dispose of the alien leader easily by doing a tail swipe with the worm you are piloting. The leader falls from his horse which runs off panicking.
The worms main cannon fires straight through your planet destroying it instantly.
You are hurdling through space on your giant worm when you see Dr ReinDr0b appear, who took all the credit for killing the Aliens even though you did all the work.
"Hey look it's the doctor, look at the size of his stupid planet!" you think as you continue to head away from your planet.
you devise a plan with Dr Reindrob to assault the aliens at their home planet, planet _, this will give you a chance to get the upper hand.
You all launch 4 hours before planet , sure your enemy may have powerful weapons but you have superior firepower.
You land on Planet _ and notice many odd things: missing textures, walking sentient creatures that just say "ERROR", and the Sun is 2-dimensional.
As you battle through the planet, you repair some textures and the Sun becomes 3d once more.
The garbage aliens have a ceremony in your honor and you are made a hero for destroying the 2d sun. You are sent to sleep to give your body a well-earned rest.
when you awake you see the native aliens have transformed under the glow of a 3d sun. their features include: white skin, blue eyes, higher intelligence, and a tail.
"It's a wonder you weren't affected by the 3d Sun, let alone notice it." Dr ReinDr0b says.
The moral of the story: Saving the world from 2d suns gives you an unfair advantage.