Jacky E Shitowski, a former marine sniper that retired and became a tiny horse farmer

Posted under Episode 81, Story On By Chief

You can't get your computer to start and have to call your grandson Jacky E. Shitowski III. Jacky III tells you that you need to plug it in for it to turn on, and when you do you see that you got an email from an old marine friend asking you for help.

> You click the link in the email You open up the email and read the message: Hey man, I'm not sure what's going on here, but I think we should meet up tomorrow night at this house near my parents' place. It looks really sketchy out there right now so we might as well go ahead and do it.

You agree to meet, but you bring your toughest tiny horse with you for protection. Your horse's name in Knuckles.

As you arrive at the address given by the email, you find that it is indeed sketchy. The house doesn't look anything like what was described in the email. There is no front door, just a large gate with two guards standing outside. They don't seem to be doing much other than staring at you all the time.

You walk up to one of the guards and stick out your hand to show your marine tattoo. The guard recognizes it and does the secret marine handshake with you and nods to you enter the building.

Inside, you notice that the living room has been completely trashed, furniture has been thrown about everywhere and there is even blood all over the floor. A note on the table reads "THE END IS NEAR". The next room looks more normal. On the wall is a poster of some sort of movie star, probably someone you've never heard of before.

You inspect the movie poster closer.

It says something about a woman who looks exactly like you. She also has a small mole on her face. You then notice a picture hanging above the couch. It shows you holding a gun in each hand. A voice comes through the intercom saying "Hello? Is anyone home?" "Yes, yes, I am". You say.

You realize the photo of you is from your days in the service. The woman tells you your friend is in the solarium. You walk over there.

The woman sitting in the chair across from you looks very familiar. You recognize her immediately as your mom. Her eyes widen when she sees you. Then they close again and she goes back to reading a book. You tell her to come with you, she seems very eager to see you.

You say "Mom, what are you doing here?" Your mom tells you, "Once a Cub Scout den mother, always a Cub Scout den mother. You and Gerald are going to need my help."

Your mom leads you into the kitchen where you both sit down at a table. She asks if everything is OK and you explain how you met your new friend Gerald and his sister Karen. She listens intently while looking at you and you notice that her eyes are a little teary. You feel bad about crying, but you know you have to keep your cool.

You say "Mom, what's wrong?"

She answers "Well, I guess we're both a little sad about losing our friends. But we're still alive and that's enough for me". She continues "I knew something was different between us when you didn't cry after seeing Karen die. And it wasn't until yesterday that I realized you were a Marine too". "Yeah, I was once stationed in Iraq".

You tell your mom that you just saw Karen in the other room. You realize that means you can see dead people.

Your mom smiles and says "I remember when you first came in here, I thought you were weird because you would stare off into space or pretend to play video games or whatever it was kids did when they first walked in the house. But you weren't acting like yourself, you were getting worse".

You put away your pretend video game and say "What?".

Your mom replies "You started acting strange around Gerald and Karen. When I asked why, you said you had feelings for them. Well, I'm glad you told me since I could finally break you free of those horrible thoughts. I'll make things better for you now. We'll take turns watching each others backs and you can forget about being weird ever again".

You say "Mom, I will reject your offer. You have never been there for me and I will return the favor. Just tell me the mission and I'll be on my way.".

You smile as you hear your mom reply "Good, good, you'll be fine. Now let's get straight to business...the mission..". A few minutes later you hear a loud explosion coming from the left side of the house. You quickly run towards the sound of gunfire and screaming. You see several bodies lying on the ground, covered in blood.

You see Gerald shooting at people. "Follow me if you want to save the world!" he screams at you. You start firing randomly and follow Gerald into a tunnel that leads away from the house and into the employee break room of a GameStop.

You shoot and kill everyone inside. After killing everyone, you hide behind a counter and wait for the police. When the cops arrive, they search the store and find a bloody body of a man with multiple gunshot wounds to his head. The police assume this is the killer. Later, you meet up with Gerald who claims the police killed him.

You Gerald tells you the government is breeding mini horses to use as bomb couriers, but they killed him when he found out. Or they thought they did -- they actually killed his twin brother Darryled, who was a navy accountant.

He explains that the military wants to control the world by using these mini-horse bombs. They think they will eventually turn the entire planet into one big farm. This is why they are training the soldiers to become nuclear missile launch officers. Gerald believes that the only way to stop this plan is to destroy the mini-horses so that no one else will be tempted to do such a thing.

You both turn and look at Knuckles, who has been here the whole time. He neighs. "What did he say?" Gerald asks you. "AWK-warrrd," you reply.

> You go talk to Knuckles "Knuckles, what did he say?" "Awk-warrrd", Knuckles repeats. "That doesn't mean anything, you dumb ass sonofabitch!", Gerald yells. "No, it does! It means he thinks you're the best thing that's happened to happen to this town!"

You say "Look, Knuckles, I really love you, but, you are either going to die now peacefully, or die later strapped to a nuclear bomb. They choice is up to you, but we both know what the answer has to be."

Gerald looks at you and nods slowly. "Fine then. Let's do it". You nod and walk over to Gerald. As soon as you grab his hand, he pulls you toward the front door. "So, what are we doing now?" Gerald asks. You don't respond right away, instead you look around at the empty store.

You ask Gerald who in the military is behind this. "Dr. Marvin Mule," he tells you. You ask Gerald if he has grandchildren. Gerald says yes, then asks you why.

"Because I am their father"., you reply. Gerald stares at you and begins laughing. "Oh, I see.."., he says. Then he looks down and starts crying. "It's not fair. I should've known.."., he cries. "Don't worry about it," you tell him. "Just live your life, alright? Good luck with your mission".

You say "This is why I asked about the grandkids, Gerald. Dr. Mule is trying to hurt something mini that I love. So I'm going to hurt something mini that he loves. Are you with me?"

Gerald nods. "Yes, I'm with you"., he smiles. You walk outside and watch as the sun sets. Suddenly, you feel a pain in your chest. You look down and see a small hole in your shirt. You rush over to it and pull out a bullet lodged in your heart. You collapse to the ground.

You wake up in Gerald's basement, he has nursed you back to health.

He tells you that he had to shoot himself in the leg because he couldn't reach the wound fast enough. As you sit up, you notice the hole in your shirt. You also realize what happened. You were shot by Gerald. "I told you not to trust anyone"., he says. You tell him that you won't forgive him.

You smack Gerald on the mouth.

"If you ever try anything again, you can count on getting shot"., he replies. When you leave, you hear a car pulling into the driveway. It's Gerald's wife. She tells you she heard you yell at her husband and ran over to help. She takes you home and gives you some medicine.

You put your hand over hers and say, "I need the kind of medicine that doesn't come in a bottle. It comes in something else. Comes.".

The next day, you get a visit from the FBI. They want to interview you. You decline and just let them take you somewhere safe.

You reach into your shirt pocket and see a message from Gerald. It reads, "I'm sorry for shooting you. Here's something that will make up it: Dr. Mule is having a birthday party for his youngest granddaughter, Julie. Her mother is trying to hire someone to give horsey rides.".

You see Donald trump, 'self made' billionaire, at the party. "I'm a fan of the tiny horses you raise" he tells you.

"They're my favorite breed" you reply. "Well, I guess you'll be riding them when they grow up"., he laughs. Donald is very friendly. You wonder where he got all those fancy cars. Meanwhile, Gerald has gotten drunk and invited everyone to the party. The cops are there too, but Gerald keeps calling them cowards.

You see Dr. Mule at the buffet table. You approach him. He is with his grandson who looks bored. You introduce yourself and your tiny horse Knuckles.

Gerald sees you and immediately grabs you. "Get away from my grandson!" he screams. You run away from Gerald and find yourself in a parking lot. Gerald follows you. He throws your pistol to the ground and punches you several times. "You think you can beat me?", he asks. You tell him you aren't worried about beating him.

You realize that Gerald is Dr. Mule, and that the person he told you was Dr. Mule is just some dude who used to have a cleft palate. "Gerald, you can stop all this right now. Why won't you leave the tiny horses alone?".

> You continue fighting You stand up and punch Gerald hard in the face. He falls backwards onto the ground. He kicks you in the ribs. You kick him again, causing him to fall off of him. You kick him again, causing him to roll over on top of his grandfather. You kick him in the head.

You Knuckles begins stomping on Dr. Mule with his tiny hoofs. You let Knuckles do his business.

Gerald gets up and walks towards you, ready to kill you. You grab his gun and point it at him. "If you don't leave, I'm gonna blow your brains out", you say. "Fucking asshole"., he responds. Suddenly, you feel a burning sensation in your chest. You turn around and see a needle sticking out of your arm.

You see it's needle filled with anti-hemorrhoid cream & adrenaline. You see your Mom on the top of a parking garage that waves and gives you a thumbs up. You have an epic fight with Gerald.

When you finally knock Gerald out, you start to clean up the blood off the floor. Then, you realize you forgot to eat dinner.

You start walking back to town to get a burger and some hay for Knuckles. You see a group of tiny horses gathered in front of the orphanage. "That's weird," you think to yourself. Then you realize you hear a bunch of faint ticking sounds...

In a recent article entitled "Why Are So Many Men Going Into Debt?" I argued that men are taking on more debt than women even though women earn less money. This argument was based on the fact that women tend to work fewer hours per week and therefore, they tend to spend more time looking after children or other family members (which means they may not have as much disposable income).

The orphanage explodes, the tiny horse bomb attack has begun! You see tiny horses erupt into the streets, you won't be able to stop them all...

As you walk down the street, you notice that the people are starting to panic and running for cover. As you near the hospital, you see a man lying dead on the sidewalk. A few moments later, a woman runs over to check on him. She starts screaming, "Oh God, oh God! Oh God! My baby brother!"

You turn your head and look down the alley. You see a young child petting a tiny horse.

"What the hell happened here? What happened to society?" you ask yourself. Then, you see a little girl holding a shotgun. She fires through the wall of the orphanage and shoots the little girl in the stomach. She then turns to shoot another woman who is trying to protect her son. She shoots her in the eye before turning her attention back to you.

You realize the girl is Julie, Dr. Mule's granddaughter and the star of the birthday party you just left.

Julie raises her shotgun and shoots you in the neck. You collapse to the ground. When you wake up, you realize you've been shot twice. "My name is Jacky E. Shitowski, a small horse farmer from the tiny horse country of Kansas. I live in a tiny house made of old tires. I ride a miniature pony named Knuckles".

You get your bearings and realize the attack is still going on. You hear the sound of a helicoptor and look up. Your mom is flying it, and the copter is carrying a giant sugar cube. The horses notice it too, and start following her as she flies out of town.

They're chasing you too. You call out to your Mom and tell her to stop the helicopter, but she ignores you and continues to fly it. You scream at her to stop, but she doesn't listen and continues to fly it. You try to reach out to her, but there isn't enough room on the tiny house to do so.

You your mother continues to lure the tiny horses into the Grand Canyon. They form a giant herd of tiny horses. They all stampede off the side of the cliff and explode as they fall into the canyon.

Your Mom screams in terror. Her life force is gone. She lands safely on the other side of the canyon.

You call out to your Mom, see she is white in the face as Knuckles is armed with a bomb and sitting on her lap. "I am proud of you son!" she says and as tears fall from her face.

Then, suddenly, the world goes black.

Ten years later, a small boy walks along the edge of the Grand Canyon. He sees a small plaque. "Dedicated to the Shitwoskis, who did a big thing for tiny horses everywhere," it reads. "Who were they," the boy asks his mother. "Your father and grandmother," the mother tells him. Now let's go back to town, Knuckles Jr." They walk into the sunset.

Travis Scott has announced his forthcoming album Birds In The Trap Sing McKnight, which will feature production by Metro Boomin. Today, we've got the first single, "Riot". Listen below. It features Young Thug, Quavo, Migos, Offset, and others. Check out the tracklisting below as well.