Jack Pumpus, Former Superhero now Dog Fighter

You are hosting the international Dog Fighting Championships. Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Macklemore are there.

> You go on stage You enter the arena, which is filled with people. The crowd is cheering as you walk through them. Your eyes scan the room, looking for your opponent. "Hello," you say. "I am Jack". The audience cheers. "And I am Mr. Pumpus".

You enter the ring for your Round 1 match. Your opponent is a chihuahua. This fight should be easy...

The chihuahua hops down from its perch in the corner of the ring. It walks over to you, sniffs you, sniffing at your face and then it licks you! You laugh and swat at it, but it dodges your attacks. Suddenly, the chihuahua's owner comes out of his trailer and approaches the chihuahua.

The owner secretly injects the chihuahua with Rhino steroids.

He then gives the chihuahua a big hug, kisses it on the head and says, "Good boy!" Then he leaves the ring. "What was that?" you ask. "That was me giving my chihuahua a hug".

You perform your signature swinging fist attack on the chihuahua.

The chihuahua begins to cry. You don't understand why this happened. You're not a bad guy. Why did the chihuahua do something so strange? You begin to think about how you can make the chihuahua stop crying, but then you remember that you have no powers to help you.

You Your realize the dog is having moods swings because of the steroids. The chihuahua forfeits, and you advance to the next round. Your opponent: Michael Vick's head on a beagle.

Your opponent: Michael Vick's head on a beagle. Round 2 "Oh good, it looks like your first round wasn't too shabby". You look around. "So what is it that you want to do now?" Michael Vick's head is on a beagle. The crowd roars. The beagles growl.

Michael Vick's head on a beagle lunges at you, ready to kill. You wheel around and roundhouse kick him in the side.

He falls to the ground. You turn around and swing your leg, punching him in the eye. He screams, and you punch him again in the nose. He cries, and you punch him in the mouth. He begs, "Please, please, please, stop!", but you don't listen. You continue beating him until he has bled to death.

You cut off the Michael Vick's beagle head and hold it up in the air as your trophy. The crowd is stunned.

They all cheer when they see the severed head. "This is great", you say to yourself. "Now we have our own beagle. We'll call him Beardy". The crowd cheers.

You advance to the championship round against the three-time champion, Dog Judi Dench. She growls at you, but in a classy way, and approaches...

"Hi, I'm Dog Judi". "Yes, yes, I know who you are. I'm here to win a million dollars". "Well, I'm not going to lie to you. If you win, you will get to eat my pussy". "No, I won't win. I'm just here to entertain you".

You are super, insanely excited now. You better hold back or else. The bell rings and you grapple up with Dog Judi Dench. She begins to nuzzle your neck.

"Come on, come on, come on". She gets close enough to bite you. You grab her wrist and pull back hard, breaking her grip. Her eyes widen in shock. "What the fuck were you doing?" she asks. "Nothing, nothing". You quickly explain. "Just holding onto my wrist". She smiles.

You hump her vigorously.

"Mmmm, yeah..". She puts her arms around your waist and hugs you tightly. You feel her breasts pressing into your chest. You kiss her passionately. Suddenly, you hear an explosion outside the building. "It's starting". You say. A few seconds later, you hear another blast. Then, the third one. The fourth one.

The Federal Dog Squad breaks in to bust up the dogfighting ring. You were never a retired superhero; you were undercover. PUMPUS RISES AGAIN!

> You go home "Hey, I've gotta go home". You tell Judi Dench. "Really? That's cool. Let's go". Judi Dench nods. "Let's go home". You nod. "Okay". You start walking towards your truck. "Bye". Judi Dench replies.

You say "Wait," you say to her, "Why don't you come back to my place for a little nightcap?" She gets close to you and puts her lips to your ear, "I'm not looking for a nightcap," she says, "I'm looking to finish our fight." She winks.

"I'm gonna beat your ass, baby". You smile. "Yeah, let's do that". Judi Dench goes inside her trailer. You walk out of the arena. You are alone. You walk down the street. You notice some police officers following you. They seem to be watching you intently.

You realize these are dirty cops. You turn and confront them. "I'm not a dog," you say, "but I can smell your corrupt butts from across the street.".

Suddenly, you feel a hand put a gun to your head. "Don't move. Just give me your identification card". You comply. The officer pulls out his card and reads it aloud. "I am Sergeant John Smith. I was assigned to the San Francisco Police Department's Special Investigations Division (SID) ten years ago".

You pull out your identification card and read it aloud to him.

"That's right, we're both undercover cops!" "How did you know we were undercover?" "Because we have the same tattoos, the same piercings..". "We're cops?" "Yep. But how did you know? Did you really think we would keep this secret?" "Of course not".

You agree to meet with the cops for drinks later. But you have to make a stop at Dog Judi's apartment first. She shows up an hour later. You are on the street in front of her apartment, leaning against a Corvette you don't own and wearing a leather jacket.

Judi Dench is there, naked except for a thong bikini. She looks like she stepped out of a porno. You look at Judi Dench and say, "So what's your name?" She laughs and says, "My name is Judas. What's yours?" "Michael Vick".

You pull out the severed Michael Vick head, put your hand up the neck hole, and begin to use it like a hand puppet.

"Ohh, I love this stuff!", Judi Dench exclaims. "Are you sure about this?" "Sure as hell, bitch, because you're getting fucked by a real man tonight!" "Wow, I didn't expect that". "Then why the hell are you still here?" "I got work to do".

You say "Do you know how old I am in dog years," Dog Judi says with a giggle. "I'm horny in every year," you whisper in her ear. "Let's go up to your place."

The next day, you meet with the SID Detective John Smith. He has a big grin on his face when he sees you. "Hi, Mikey", he says. "What brings you here today?" "I want to talk to you guys about something serious. It involves dogs". Smith looks at each of you in turn.

You begin to brag about how sore you dick is from fucking so much last night.

Smith begins to laugh. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This isn't funny. We're not going to discuss your cock size or anything like that. We need to talk about something more serious. Something that could get us arrested and/or killed if we don't cooperate with your investigation".

You say "Tell us what it is already."

Smith starts to explain that he is part of a special task force called the Special Investigations Division (SID). The SID is responsible for investigating all crimes involving dogs. Smith continues to tell you that they recently had a case where two men broke into a house and killed a pit bull named Tommy.

You say "I vow to avenge Tommy's death!"

Smith smiles and says "Good luck, kid. Good luck to you". As you leave the detective's office, you hear someone calling your name. You open the door to find a short, stocky black woman dressed in leather pants and a tight tank top. Her eyes are red and puffy. She asks "Mikey, who are you?"

You grab a pack of cigarettes of the desk and help yourself. You light up a smoke. Then tell her "Who the fuck are you?".

She responds "I'm the one who hired you, remember? So who the fuck are you?"

You show her your identification card.

She scans it quickly and then hands it back to you. "This is fake. You ain't got no job. You're just some punk looking to score some free drugs and booze". You reply "Well maybe I am, but I'll prove it to you anyway".

You jump up in the air and roundhouse kick Michael Vick's head through a window. You land on both feet and smile at her. She smirks, "Mr. Pumpus, it really is you," she says.

You run off laughing, leaving the girl behind.