I’M DRUNK! – You are Bubba Gumption, a perplexed fan returner for NASCAR races, and you want beer

Posted under Episode 0, Story On By Chief

You are Bubba Gumption, a perplexed fan returner for NASCAR races, and you want beer.

You enter the race track of your dreams with $1 million in cash to buy as many beers as you can carry out of the concession stands.
There is only one problem: You have no idea where the concession stands even are located!

You ask around, but people give you blank stares. You wonder what is going on and then you notice that today's race is a dry race: no alcohol will be served for the entire day!

You look around and see a sign that says "Beer Check" and you decide to follow it.
You walk into a room with some other people who are also looking for their beers. The man in front of you holds out his hand and asks if he can help you.

You look behind the man and see a mountain of room temperate beer. The man tells you that NO ONE is allowed to drink today.

  He gives you an empty bottle that has been dipped in paint.
The man explains that this bottle is your ticket to get into the beer check. It is not a real bottle of beer, but it will fool security cameras and let you pass through the gates.

You give the man a wink and get to repairing and replace fans. You have a daydream about ice cold beers:

You open up the fridge and take out a Corona. You bring it over to the couch and sit down with it.
You think about how much better life would be if there was a whole bunch of cold beers lying around for you to enjoy whenever you wanted them.

The starting gun wakes you from your dream. You have to find a way into the beer room and use your stockpile of fans to cool them all down. You make up an excuse to leave the pit:

"I need to go to the bathroom," you say.
But before you leave, you grab an extra fan and throw it back in the pile.
Just then, a security guard walks up to you and asks if you know why you can't drink.

You shrug and look at the security straight in the eyes and ask, "Are you cool?" The security winks, and you let him know about the beer room.

  He gets excited and lets you through without asking any more questions.
You wander around the beer check until you find the door labeled "Beer Check."  Once inside, you realize you've made a terrible mistake.

Inside you see the following booby traps:

-A lion trap that jumps out and bites you (you die)
-A bear trap that grabs you and drags you underneath the floorboards (you die)
-A piranha tank that eats you (you die)
-An electrified fence that shocks you when you
 touch it (you die)
-A scorpion sting that kills you instantly (you die)
-And finally, a black hole that sucks you into it and buries you alive forever (you die)

You begin planning how to disarm each trap:

You wait until the lion trap comes out and run away from it.  This makes the lion go after the bear trap instead.
You wait until the bear trap comes out and run away from it.

You trick the scorpion into stinging the electrical fence, and then all that is left is the black hole.

You approach the black hole cautiously, because you have no idea what's waiting inside.
You jump into the black hole and suddenly you're sucked into a different dimension -- a world full of beer!

You pick up an ice cold corona, just like from your dreams, but something is off.

 You look closer at the bottle and see that it is painted over with a label saying "Corona Light".
You throw the bottle away and start drinking from a nearby keg.
Suddenly, a huge crowd of people come up to you and ask if they can buy beer from you.

You realize it is all fans from the NASCAR race that have been sucked into the black hole. You serve them all beer and continue to get shitfaced! Then after the festivities, you realize it is your responsibility to get these people home safe.

You lead them all to the exit, except for one person.  He refuses to leave and keeps talking about how great the beer is here.  You try to convince him to leave, but he won't budge.

The guy tells you that you can't drink and dimensional warp, it's just irresponsible. You laugh at the man and decide you are good enough to dimensional warp. You are shitfaced and dimensional warp, but this is not home, but instead

 a place filled with beer...
It is a jungle filled with beer.  There are trees and vines everywhere, and bottles of beer just sitting around.  You spot a large amount of Corona Light laying around and dive into the pile.

You continue to party and eventually try to dimensional shift back home. This time you are pulled over by the dimensional police who can smell the beer radiating off of you.

They tell you that it is illegal to drink in another dimension and they arrest you.
Now you are stuck in jail with a bunch of other people who are also drunk and dimensional warped.
While you are in prison, you meet your friends Larry and Steve.

Larry and Steve tell you a funny joke:

What is the difference between Larry and Steve?
Steve is an asshole.
Everyone laughs and drinks even more beer.
Suddenly, a man walks in and says he wants to buy some beer.

You realize this man has no idea he is in jail. You try to sell him the "Beer" glass you had from earlier that is just water.

The man takes the glass and starts drinking it.  Suddenly everyone in the entire cell begins to laugh uncontrollably.
Even the guards are laughing hysterically.
You look at the man and ask him what's so funny.

The man assumes he is drinking your piss and socks you right in the face.

You wake up in a dark room.  As you walk towards the light, you notice that there is a strange symbol on the wall that looks like it was drawn by a child.
You stare at the symbol for quite some time, and then it becomes clear to you.

The symbol is that of:

Dimensional Warping

You quickly start drawing the symbol onto the walls of the room.
Then, you feel a strange vibration in your body and you begin to fade away.

You wake up and you are back on the NASCAR track. Someone yells to you that a fan needs to be replaced immediately!

You rush to the fan and put it in the car.  The fan works perfectly and you continue to work hard.
After a while, you notice that the fan is giving off strange vibrations and noises.

You realize you improperly installed the fan and it causes a huge car pile up.

  You quickly get out of the way before getting hit.
As you watch the big wreck, you notice that the fan is still working perfectly fine.  It has completely stopped the cars from crashing into each other.

You realize you have actually installed the fan perfectly and it is creating an impenetrable wind barrier. A news reporter rush over to you and asks, "How did you do it? How did you install the ultimate fan!?" And you reply, "I'M DRUNK!"

And the next day, you get fired from NASCAR.
You go home and pour yourself a beer.
You finish your beer and then decide to think about what you could have done better during your interview.