I killed Alf and ended up in an Adult Diaper Ad

Posted under Episode 0, Story On By Chief

You are Mrs. Nester, an old lady who lives alone with her three cats. One day while redecorating, you decide to arrange your solar dancers in a new and exciting pattern. To your surprise, they begin moving in perfect rhythm with each other! They move faster and faster until
 the room is filled with their hypnotic dance. The only way out of this trance is for one of them to fall asleep or die... Can you save all three before time runs out? Will you be able to escape from the deadly dance and live another day?

You knock over your a picture of Jason from AIPD feeding your previous trio of cats to Alf.  The frame shatters and Alf rises from the photo.
 You pick up the pieces of glass and feed him again, but he doesn't eat it. He simply stares at you as if trying to figure something out. "I'm not sure what happened," you say, "but I think maybe we should give these guys some space."

You realize you are slowly coming out of your trance, but Alf is still there.  You realize you have to get rid of him before he eats all your new cats.
 What do you do?
—Holly K.
* * *
"The name's Alf!" The cat stands on his hind legs and says: "I am the Cat-Man!

You are shocked to see your oldest and most favorite tabby cat has started to talk.
 It seems like a dream. Your other two cats are sitting by your feet looking at Alf with interest. Suddenly, Alf jumps down and begins to play. His tail swishes back and forth and then he starts to purr.

Just when you think of how nice Alf is being to your cats, he goes feral and rips off one of your cats.
 He does this over and over again until all three of your beloved pets are dead. You watch in horror as Alf devours your last pet.
What do you do now?
—Cheryl S.

Little did Alf know, you were friends with Hunter S. Thompson.  You call Hunter and tell him you got a "pest" problem that needs "exterminating".  Hunter bursts into the house 15 minutes laters drunk as hell, and blasts Alf's head over with a shotgun.
 As soon as you hear the shot, you jump on top of Alf, and try to hold him down. But Alf is too fast. In less than a minute, Alf has turned into a pile of ashes.

Hunter says, "Look like a demon 90s mascot, you wouldn't believe how many of these there are!"  Hunter breaks out a kit filled with demon banishing items such as:
 holy water, garlic, silver, salt, iron nails, and even a hammer.
You ask Hunter to help you exorcise your home.
"Sure thing," Hunter says. "But first I need to go buy me a beer."

Hunter gets irresponsibly drunk, but you don't want to say anything since he is doing you a favor.  Hunter makes a pentgram of salt and then pulls out a literal home exercising tool.
 He takes out a large metal ball and throws it around your yard for a bit. After he finishes, he asks you what kind of spells you want.
"Well," you say, "I guess I'd like to keep my cats alive."

Hunter then waves his hands and chants something demonic and all of your cats come back to life.

"You're welcome," Hunter says, handing you a bottle of wine.
Your cats sit in front of you purring happily.
"They love you," Hunter says, "they'll always love you."

Hunter then focuses on exorcising Alf from this house.  The walls begin to shake and the house begins to quake and suddenly a grotesque fleshy Alf emerges from the salt.  Hunter says, "Quick! Stab him now!"  You grab your wine cork screw and stab him right in the eye!

Hunter says, "See? Easy as pie."
He walks away and leaves you standing there holding a bloody sword.
"Whew," you say, "that was easy."
You walk into your kitchen and make yourself a drink.

You and Hunter get drunk together.  You ask Hunter where he learned how to do all of this.  Hunter tells you, "Drugs."

You laugh, "That's funny. I thought you were a writer."
Hunter laughs, "Hey, I write books too. I just don't have to read them."
You laugh, "Oh well, thanks for helping me out."

Hunter is about to leave when he hears your tabby cat say, "I am Cat-Man!"

Hunter looks at you, confused.
You say, "Don't worry about it. Just go home and enjoy your life."
Hunter says, "Alright. I will see you tomorrow."

You decide to take a road trip and take your cats all around the country.  People at gas stations are very amused by your talking cat and tell you he should have his own show!

You drive to California and stop in Las Vegas. You take your cats to a casino and win $1 million dollars playing blackjack. You buy a boat and sail up the coast to San Francisco.

As you are sailing on your boat, you sail across the boat of famous Hollywood movie producer:
 Harrison Ford.
Ford says, "I can't believe I'm going to meet the guy who made that crazy cat."
You say, "Yes, I am."
Ford says, "I have to admit I've been following you and your cats.
"

Harrison Ford rams your ship and boards to hand you a contract for an exclusive 3-movie deal featuring "Cat-Man".  You are so excited that everyone will get to enjoy your kitties and sign without reading.

You agree to the deal and sign the contract.
Ford says, "Now, I know you've got a lot of questions for me."
You say, "Yes. I would like to know how you knew about my cats."

Harrison Ford say, "You mean... MY CATS!"   You read the first line of the contract and it says "I forfeit ownership of my cats to HARRISON FORD."

You say, "No, no, I meant..."
Harrison Ford says, "My cats are a secret."
You say, "How do you keep them a secret?"
Ford says, "The only way I can be sure they stay a secret is if I never let anyone know
 I have them."
You say, "So, you're saying I shouldn't tell anybody about my cats?"
Ford says, "Exactly."
You say, "What about your wife?"

Ford says, "Especially not my wife!"

You say, "You have two wives?!"
Ford says, "Yes, I do."
You say, "And you're telling me to keep my cats a secret from both of them?!"

You tell Harrison, "You should celebrate with a solo plane ride, Mr. Ford!"

You and Ford take off in a small airplane and fly over the ocean.
After flying for a while, you look down and see a tiny island below you.
You say, "Mr. Ford, I think we should land on that island."

You take over the controls and make a landing on the island.  Harrison Ford asks you what the hell you are doing and then you breakout your trusty cork screw and stab Harrison Ford right in the eyeball!

You say, "I am Cat-Man!"
You and Harrison Ford are thrown overboard into the water.
Harrison Ford says, "I'm drowning."
You say, "Just hold on, I'll save you."

You shove Harrison further under the water.

You say, "Come on, come on! Swim to shore!"
You swim back to the island and find that Harrison Ford has saved himself.
Harrison Ford says, "Why did you stab me in the eye?"

You panic and stab him in the other eye.

Harrison Ford says, "I'm blind!"
You say, "It's a miracle! We have to thank God!"
Harrison Ford says, "God? What god? There is no god!"

You ignore Harrion's screams of pain and brainstorm the film titles for you Cat-man movies:

"Cat-Man and the Unholy Grail"
"Cat-Man and the Evil Wizard"
"Cat-Man and the Vampire Queen"
"Cat-Man and the Werewolf King"
You say, "Harrion, you're not going to die on me!"

Harrison tells you the movies have already been titled, the 3 films about Cat-man will be called:

"Cat-Man vs. Dracula"
"Cat-Man vs. The Wolf Man"
"Cat-Man vs. Frankenstein"
You say, "This is ridiculous! Why would you ever name a movie after me?!"

You are amazed at Harrison Ford's resistance to being stabbed and drowned and decide to just let him live.  It must be a sign from God!  2 years pass by and "Cat-Man vs Dracula" is released in theaters.

You say, "Wow, this movie was great!"
Harrison Ford says, "Great? This is terrible!"
You say, "But it's good."
Harrison Ford says, "The audience laughed too much.
 They laughed when there were monsters attacking us and they laughed during the sex scene."
You say, "But you can't blame the audience. You're laughing because you had to laugh."
Harrison Ford says, "Yes, but the studio told me to make the movie as funny as possible."

You say, "Well, maybe you could tone down the comedy."
Harrison Ford says, "If I don't make a good performance, the studio will fire me and replace me with someone else who knows how to act."

2 more years pass by and "Cat-Mean vs The Wolf Man" is released.  This time, there is no comedy and there is no sex.

You say, "This movie sucked."
Harrison Ford says, "Yeah, it was terrible."
You say, "But the audience loved it!"
Harrison Ford says, "They didn't.
 Everyone hates me now."
You say, "That's crazy! No one likes you!"
Harrison Ford says, "I'm the worst actor in Hollywood."
You say, "You're kidding!"

In the last movie, "Cat-Man vs Frankenstein" you play Harrison Ford's role.

Harrison Ford says, "Do you know why the studio hired you to do this?"
You say, "No."
Harrison Ford says, "Because they thought I couldn't do it."

You say, "I'm sorry."
Harrison Ford says, "I'm not. Now I get paid millions of dollars to be humiliated in front of the entire world."
You say, "Well, I hope you like playing the monster!"

The reviews are in!

You are crushed.
Your life has become miserable.
You are only able to watch movies on TV.
You are forced to listen to people talk about the latest film releases.
You feel so alone and you want to cry.

You get excited at a chance to star in a commercial for
 a new movie release.
The ad agency calls you up and offers you $5,000 to appear in an infomercial promoting a new product.
You say, "Sure, I'll do it."

You ask what the product is and the ad agency tells you it's an adult diaper commercial.

You say, "I don't need any diapers."
The ad agency says, "We've tested the product and we think you'd look great in the commercial."



You look at the script and see your character is named "OLD BAG WITH HUGE LOAD IN DIAPER" and you have one line:

"Old bag with huge load in diaper, I love my husband!"
You say, "What? Me? In a diaper?"
The ad agency says, "It's perfect! Your lines are short and sweet and the whole thing will be over in 10 minutes!"

You film the commercial and when it releases you are famous again!

All the paparazzi chase you around the city and you finally catch up to Harrison Ford and he asks you, "Why did you agree to do this?"
You say, "I needed the money!"

Next time on "I killed Alf and ended up in an Adult Diaper Ad":

The ad agency wants you to wear a bikini and pose on the beach.
You say, "I'm not wearing a bikini."
The ad agency says, "We've tested the product and we think you'd look great in the commercial."