Hell 2’s Kitchen

Posted under Episode 0, Story On By Chief

You are Gordan Ramsey. After Saving the world from Ronald McDonald a crazy man named Joel Vargskelthor summoned a fecalfunny.com meteor and exploded the earth. luckily, You have a company for this so various ships are arranged to fly off to a planet called Mario Some people say Joel Vargskelthor is in their but you dont give a fuck. You settle next to the mushroom kingdom and start your civilization, Your civilization is named "Fucking Raw" and it has a dragon castle, epic houses, shops and
 a casino. Your name is Gordan Ramsey and you're an asshole who just wants to make money and not be a hero. But hey, thats okay cause you're rich as fuck.
* * *
The Pox was just finishing its first round of drinks when the door opened with
 a bang and the bartender spilled out. The new guy's eyes were wild, his hair disheveled, and he had a smudge on his cheek that looked like dried blood. He walked straight over to the bar, grabbed a bottle of whiskey, and started chugging it down.

You cook The Pox a delicious 3 course meal which consists of the following dishes:

-A big bowl of red meat.
-An entire chicken stuffed with potatoes.
-A steaming pile of noodles.
After eating, The Pox starts talking to you about how the new guy is obviously going to get fired soon, and then he asks if you want to go home

You ask The Pox if there was anything wrong with his meal.  The Pox shakes his head no.  You get angry and explain that the bowl of red meat was "FUCKING RAW"!

You slap The Pox across the face.
The Pox slaps you back.
You both start beating each other up until The Pox says "I'm gonna fuck you up!"

You tell The Pox that the only way to settle this dispute is to have a cooking competition.

The Pox agrees and calls you out to the kitchen.
He gives you a wooden spoon and a saucepan full of water.
You stare at him for a second and realize what he's doing.

The Pox is implying that the only dish you can cook is macaroni and cheese.  You are insulted by this and start preparing your best dish.  After an hour of cooking, you and The Pox present your dishes to an impartial judge: Guy Fieri.

Guy looks at the two plates, and asks The Pox "What's the difference?"
The Pox replies "One is FUCKING RAW, and one is FUCKING MACARONI AND CHEESE."

You wait anxiously for Guy to determine a winner.

After about 10 minutes, Guy announces that the winner is...
You feel really proud of yourself.
You walk out of the kitchen and into the dining room. The Pox follows you and apologizes.

You gloat to The Pox and say, "Hahaha I win, you lose"

The Pox tries to argue, but you don't care.
You decide to take the win and head out to celebrate.
You tell The Pox that you'll see him tomorrow and leave.

You return to the kitchen the next day and see that The Pox has been up all night cooking various dishes.
  He hands you a plate of "fucking raw" food.
You look at it and say "Hey! That's my fucking dish!"
The Pox says "Sorry, dude, but you lost."

Guy Fieri walks out of the kitchen bloated like he's been eating everything in sight and agrees with The Pox.  Guy says, "Sorry Gordon, The Pox is just the mayor of flavor town today."

You try to argue, but The Pox cuts you off and says "Don't worry, bro, we'll have more chances to cook together. Just remember, your macaroni and cheese will always be second place to me."

You fume in the kitchen.  You need to create a truly original and utterly delicious meal to compete with The Pox's Mac and Cheese.  Then an idea hits you, you need to cook:

Chicken pot pie.
* * *
You open the door and walk inside. You are greeted by a large crowd of people. They cheer when they see you.
You look around and see that everyone is wearing tuxedos.

You notice a celebrity judge walk in to judge your Chicken Pot Pie.  It is Joel Vargskelthor.

You introduce yourself and shake his hand.
Vargskelthor asks you what kind of chicken you used.
You tell him you used a whole roasted chicken.
He tells you that you did not use enough butter.

You say "But I followed the recipe exactly."
He tells you that you should have added more salt and pepper.
You say "I did follow the recipe exactly."
He tells you that you should have added more flour.

You hang your head in shame and watch as Joel heads over to critique The Pox's dish.

You hear the sound of clapping and turn to see The Pox standing there with his arms crossed.
You say "That was bullshit, I got the same recipe from Food Network."
The Pox says "Bullshit?

You explain, "Our sponsor, AIPD, insists that we put butter on everything!"

The Pox says "So?
You say "I'm not adding any butter to my dish.
The Pox says "Then you're gonna lose."
You say "Fine, I'll make your fucking macaroni and cheese!"

You make macaroni and cheese.  This is very unusual to do right in the middle of the judging, but Joel allows and tries your Mac and Cheese.

It tastes terrible.
You try to argue, but The Pox cuts you off and says "Your fucking macaroni and cheese tasted like shit, so you lose."
You are devastated.

You beg Joel Vargskelthor for one more chance, Joel hesitates, but agrees.  Joel says, "Ok, but you have to cook my favorite dish:

Chocolate mousse.

You start to look up the Food Network recipe for Chocolate mousse, but stop yourself.  You decide to make your own Chocolate mousse by just making something up.

You go back to the kitchen and prepare a simple chocolate pudding.
* * *
You walk into the dining room and see that Joel is already there.
He looks at you and says "You know, I've never had a good chocolate mousse.

You say "Well, this isn't a real mousse, but I think it'll work."
He takes a bite and says "Wow, this is really good.
You say "Thank you."

The Pox runs out of the kitchen and says, "Gordon cheated!  These are just chocolate jello cups that he bought from Walmart!"

You try to explain, but The Pox interrupts you.
The Pox says "He's right, Gordon.  You cheated!"
You say "No I didn't, I followed the recipe exactly."

Suddenly Majin Buu erupts from the kitchen and says, "
Cheating scum!  You better give me a piece of that!"
The Pox says "Shut up, you're not even part of the competition."
Majin Buu grabs a spoon and chases after The Pox.

You watch in horror as Majin Buu absorbs The Pox into his body.

You run to the kitchen and grab a knife, but it is too late.
You watch as Majin Buu explodes, sending shrapnel flying through the air.  The shrapnel lands on your face and melts.

You face is horrible scarred, but you will survive.  You help Joel up and then you notice Majin Buu begins to reform from the chunks.

You look at Joel and ask "What happened?"
Joel explains, "We were all having a nice dinner, when this giant monster appeared and ate The Pox.  He was trying to eat us, but we managed to kill him."

You point behind Joel to warn him the monster is still alive, but it is too late!  Joel is also absorbed into Majin Buu's body!

You scream, "Joel!"
You watch as Majin Buu absorbs Joel into his body.
You try to fight, but you are no match for him.  He then opens up a portal and sends you flying through it.

You look around, you can't believe that you have been transported to
 another world.

You notice the strange alien world is oddly flesh like.

You hear a voice in the distance.
You turn to see a beautiful woman.
She says, "Hello, I am called the Goddess of Darkness, Veldora.
You say "Um...
Veldora says "I don't understand human language, so I will show you how to get home."
Veldora disappears and then reappears before you.
She says "There, now you are back in your own world."

You look around and you are back in your kitchen.  Everything seems to be back to normal, except you notice something strange.  A golden colander has appeared on the counter.  You walk up to it and see
 a small note.
You read the note and it says:
"Dear Winner,
This is a special gift from the goddess, Veldora.
If you use it correctly, it will allow you to travel between worlds.

You pick up the a golden colander and whisper: "Take me to Flavor Town"

You suddenly feel an incredible force pull you forward.
You fall through the portal and find yourself in a vast field of blue flowers.
You realize you are in the middle of a massive flower field.

You think this must be a mistake, but as you walk around you notice the flowers smell like all of your favorite gourmet dishes:

Hamburgers, pizza, spaghetti, lasagna, french fries, apple pie, etc.
You think to yourself, "This is crazy, why would a god give me a magical device that allows me to visit all of my favorite food places?"

You shrug and begin to gorge away on the tasty flowers.  This is truly Flavor Town.

You are enjoying your time in the field of flowers when you hear a loud noise.
You look up and see a giant UFO flying overhead.
You think to yourself, "This must be the spaceship that took me to the other world."

You try to hide, but the UFO has spotted you and landed nearby.  You look at the UFO and see a figure exit.

It is the goddess, Veldora!
Veldora walks over to you and says "Hello, I am the Goddess of Darkness, Veldora.
You say "Hi, I'm the winner of the contest."

Veldora welcomes you to Flavor Town.  She also warns you that the flowers smell terrific, but have one horrible side effect if they are consumed:

"The moment you inhale the scent of any of these flowers, you will be instantly transported to the land of the dead.
You say "Wait, what?
Veldora says "Yes, the flowers are actually portals to hell."

You realize what has happened and your body has consumed so many of the flowers that you are sent to Super Hell.

You are greeted by a demon lord named Surtur.
He says "Welcome to Super Hell, loser.
You say "But I won the contest."
Surtur laughs and says "No you didn't.

You say, "You fucking donkey!"

Surtur laughs and says "I just told you, you didn't win.
You say "How do you know?
Surtur says "I have a crystal ball.
You say "A crystal ball?"

You look into Surtur's crystal ball and see a vision:

You are standing in front of a large building with a sign that says:
Flavor Town
You open the door and enter the building.
You see a long line of people waiting to get inside.

You say to yourself, "This must be the way to heaven."
You step up to the counter and say to the clerk "I want to go to heaven."
The clerk says "Sorry, you have to wait in line."

You wait in line for eternity, this is truly Super Hell!

You are finally allowed to enter the building.
You find yourself in a large room filled with hundreds of different flavors of food.
You see a sign that says:
Flavor Town
You walk up to the sign and say "What does the sign mean?"

The clerk says "This is where the gods eat.
You say "So, I am going to heaven."
The clerk says "No, you aren't.
You say "Why not?"

You ask the clerk, "I want to go to Hell 2!"

The clerk 
nods and send you
 to Hell

You are standing in a huge arena filled with thousands of demons.
You see a sign that says:
Hell 2
You say to yourself, "This must be the way to hell."

Next time on "Hell 2's Kitchen":

You are led to the chopping block.
Your eyes light up as you think to yourself "I wonder what they are serving today."
As you are about to be chopped into pieces, you are saved by a mysterious voice.

The voice says "Hey, loser.
You say "Who are you?"
The voice says "My name is Veldora.
You say "Oh, the goddess of darkness."