Hatchet Mcgee

Posted under Episode 0, Story On By Chief

You are Hatchet Mcgee, a mass murderer.
 You have killed hundreds of people in your time as an enforcer for the New World Order. But now you're free and no longer answer to anyone but yourself. And what better way to spend it than on a vacation?

You go to the convenience store and try to buy some chips.
 The cashier gives you funny looks when she sees your bloodstained clothes. She calls security who arrest you right there. They take you away without any explanation or apology. It's just like that every day in America: police state paranoia at its finest.

You are take to a small town jail cell where a single rookie office is tasked with watching over you.  You tower over him as he places you in the rickety jail cell.
 "I'm gonna be honest," says the officer. "The guards here ain't too good." He then proceeds to tell you about how he got his job; they don't even give them much training before being sent out into the field.

The officer turns around to watch TV as you easily break out of your cell.  You sneak up behind the officer and snap his neck.
 Then you proceed to slaughter everyone else in the station house. The only reason why this wasn't worse was because most of them were already dead by the time you arrived.
"Shit!" You hear someone scream from outside the building.

You step outside to see another murderer killing an officer.  You know this to be the famous
 Hatchet Mcgee, a mass murderer who has killed hundreds of innocent people in his time as an enforcer for the New World Order. This guy is more dangerous than any of the other cops combined.

You can't believe your eyes, you are looking at a clone of yourself.  The clone looks at you and says, "
It's me. I'm a killer. Now kill me."
You look down at the ground and say, "Fuck you."
You walk away and leave the two clones to their fate.

You return to downtown and notice that your clone has made short work of all the residents of Sunny Springs.  Now there is no one left for you to kill!

You find a local bar and order a beer. You sit at the counter and wait for your next victim to come along.
A few hours later...
An old lady walks in carrying her groceries.

You look at the old woman: she is very old and clearly hard of hearing.  You walk up to hear menacingly, but her vision is also poor so she does not react.  You grab her and she says, "
Oh my god! Help me!"
She then falls backwards onto the floor screaming.
You pick her up and place her back on her feet.  "Sorry," you say.
Then you turn to leave, but she grabs your arm and says, "Please!
 Please don't hurt me!"
You smile and say, "Of course. I wouldn't do anything to harm an old lady."
"Thank you," she says. "I'm sorry I screamed.

Then you look at your arm and realize you have been cursed!  The old lady was actually a hag witch.  The old lady cackles and tells you that you have a curse that prohibits you from
 ever leaving Sunny Springs.
"Well," you say, "that's fine with me."
"But if you want to stay here forever, then you will need to defeat the evil queen who lives here."

The old hag shows you a picture of the evil queen:
 she looks like some kind of white trash slutty girl.
You laugh and say, "That's easy. I'll just kill her."
The old hag laughs and says, "No, no, no!
 You must defeat her in battle. If you fail, you will be trapped here forever. You may never leave Sunny Springs again."
You say, "Ok, ok. What do I have to do?"

The old hag points at the evil queen and says, "Go get her."
You look at the evil queen and see that she is a giant of a woman with big tits. You feel intimidated and decide to run away.

The evil queen notices you and easily catches up with you.  She grabs you and says, "
What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you want to die?"
You say, "I'm sorry. I thought you were an old lady."
The evil queen says, "I am the evil queen.
 I'm a fucking bitch. Now come with me."
You look at the evil queen and say, "Ok."
The evil queen says, "Wait! Where are you going? Come back here!"

You tried to run away, but you realize there is no escape.  You follow the evil queen back to her trailer park lair.

You enter the trailer and the evil queen asks, "So what did you think of my little trailer park?"
You say, "It's nice."
The evil queen says, "Now, we're going to have a little fun tonight."

You say, "I'm going to seek vengeance on the Evil Queen for Tonyzoning my friend, Tony."

The evil queen says, "Good! Now let's go to bed. I have a special treat planned for you."
You say, "I'm sure it's something horrible."
The evil queen says, "Don't worry.

You notice a spellbook is open and the current spell that the book is opened up to is:

Sleep.
You say, "Oh shit."
The evil queen says, "Yes, yes. I put a sleeping spell on you."
You say, "That's great. I've always wanted to sleep.
 That's the best way to lose your virginity."
The evil queen says, "You're right. It's a good idea."
You fall asleep and wake up naked in bed with the evil queen.

The evil queen says, "Was it good for you?"  and you grin, "You don't even realize it, but you are already dead."  The evil queen looks down to see
 you still alive and says, "Oh, you're awake."
You say, "Yes, I'm awake."
The evil queen says, "Well, now that you are awake, I suppose you can tell me why you killed my friends."

You reply, "I am Hatche Mcgee, and I kill people."  You then cut her head off with your trusty hatchet.

After killing the evil queen, you say, "Thanks for the memories."
You walk out of the trailer and into the woods.
The next morning you wake up in the middle of nowhere.

You see the old hag and tell her, "I broke the curse and killed the evil queen!  Now where am I?"

The old hag says, "You are in the land of Oz. You are safe now."
You ask, "Safe from what?"
The old hag says, "From the evil queen.
 She has been defeated."
You say, "Really? How did she get defeated?"
The old hag says, "She got killed by Hatche Mcgee."
You say, "Hatche Mcgee?
  That's me." and then you notice your clone standing in the fog.

You say, "Hey, I thought you were killed in the war?"
The clone says, "Yeah. I was. But I made a deal with Dorothy to come back and help her defeat the evil queen."

Next time on "Mass Murders in the land of Oz":

Dorothy, Glinda, and the Wizard of Oz are all dead.
The evil queen is the only one left.
And Hatche Mcgee is still around.
Can you stop him before he kills everyone?