You are in the middle of a presenting a math show during a math convention. You are reciting pi to the 1 millionth decimal place, when someone in the crowd shouts... "Hey, you're not supposed to be doing that!" You turn around and see the man who has been shouting at you from across the room. He is wearing a black suit with an open white shirt, holding a red pen and looking like he just got off the phone with his wife. His eyes look like they could pierce through lead. You realize you have a superpower. You can tell when people have been on the phone with their spouses. It's almost as if your mind is reading their minds... You stare at the man wearing the black suit and read his mind. You tell him "You just got off the phone with your wife" and he is stunned by your knowledge. He looks down and then back up, and finally says "I did? I didn't know". Then he starts laughing. The audience goes wild. You call the security guard, who is also your wife, on the phone to remove the man who is heckling you. You tell him, "You plus you equals zero.". She laughs and agrees. The man in black refuses to leave and lunges to attack you. You easily disarm him and put him out of his misery. You tell him "The square root of a negative integer is an imaginary number" and finish him off. Then, you stand up and salute to the audience. Your powers are now known to the world. You become a huge celebrity. You sign an endorsement deal with a mobile phone company and become known as "Spouse On The Phone Guy.". > You go home You decide it would be best to return home after all this. You walk into the house and find your family waiting for you. They hug you and say how much you've helped them. You walk in your house and tell your children "please recite your times tables and I will give you a reward.". Your children eagerly begin to do so. They ask you what that means, but you don't answer them. Instead, you sit down and close your eyes. Suddenly, you feel a strong force push you back into your chair. It feels like a ton of bricks were dropped on you. Suddenly, you awaken from your trance. You remember everything that happened last night. You look at your wife and realize she has been on the phone... but not with you. She has a SECOND husband. You are devastated. You run outside and scream at her "What the hell did you do?" You your read your wife's mind and discover information about her secret life she has been hiding from you. You learn that she is married to a man named "Duke" and that he lives in New Jersey. You call Duke on the phone and tell him "I am here to kill you". Duke calmly answers "Hello, Mr. McGee. How may I help you?" You explain that you have been sent by God to kill him. Duke calmly says, "Hey, you're not supposed to do that." You agree to discuss this issue more with him over ice cream. You agree to meet at the local fair trade ice cream shoppe. You drive to the fair trade ice cream shop where you are met by Duke. You both enter the ice cream shop. Duke asks you why you came all the way out here. You reply, "Because I want to kill my second husband!" Duke tells you to calm yourself down and states that you must come with him to another part of the store. You say "You're giving me a headache, Duke, and it's got nothing to do with ice cream." Duke replies, "That's because it doesn't. Now, let's get to business". Duke leads you to a small office. Inside the office is a large bookcase full of books. Duke opens one of the books and begins to read. Suddenly, you hear a loud noise which sounds very similar to a shotgun blast. It's the King of Math, he walks up to your table and says in a robotic tone, "Looks like we have a problem whose only solution can be from a math off." The King slams down times table worksheets on the table and says, "Winner gets to stay married, loser files for double divorce." You and Duke argue about what to do next. Finally, you and Duke reach a compromise. You are going to move into your old house and live there until the marriage is finalized. Duke is going to pay for the house and you are going to work at the ice cream shop. You and Duke celebrate your new happy ending.
Hans McGee, a German mathematician
Posted under Episode 143, Story On By Chief