Greg Chubbs, a door to door buttwipe salesman

Posted under Episode 88, Story On By Chief

You knock on the door of a house. A person dressed as an airline pilot answers the door. Before you can say, "Let's talk about your butt," he yells, I need a ride to the airport!".

He pulls out his pistol and shoots at you. How did this man get so lucky?

You say "Fine, I'll give you a ride to the airport! All you had to do was say please."

He says, "Please?" How does one respond in such situations?

You lead him to your Pontiac Aztek parked in the driveway. You demand that he sit in the backseat on the way to the airport.

He refuses and begins to yell at you. "I don't want to be driven anywhere!" He continues to shout. You have no choice but to drive him to the airport. You must make it there by midnight or else you will miss your flight. What would you do if you were in his shoes? Would you comply with his demands?

You say "How old are you?"

> You say "I'm seventeen years old" You say, "I'm seventeen years old, and I don't want to be driven anywhere!" The man replies, "Well then why the hell are you driving me here?" You reply, "Because I love you!" The man says, "Oh come on, you're not serious".

You say "please buy some buttwipes from me"

The man says, "No, I won't sell you any buttwips, because I like my butts covered when it comes to the hot stuff on the black market". What is the appropriate response to this situation? A) You tell the man that you're going to call the police if he doesn't stop his abusive behavior.

You continue.

> You say "I'm calling the police, because I'm afraid for my life". The man says, "What the fuck are you doing?!" You reply, "I'm calling the police, because I'm afraid for my life". The man says, "Why should I let you call the police if you're just gonna waste my time?"

You ask for the black market butt wipe dealers name and pay him a visit late at night.

When you arrive at his home, he tells you to wait outside while he goes inside to take care of something. When he returns, you explain what happened. He explains that you could have called the police yourself, but instead you chose to harass him. This is a case of physical abuse. A) You could have told the man that you were afraid for your life.

You knock on the door and ask the man for your own black market buttwipes. You want to get high and this pilot isn't much help.

When the man opens up the front door, he sees a gun pointed right at your head. What would you do?

You go with your first instinct, you start crying and pull down your pants and wipe while crouching in front of the door. The man puts his gun away and pulls you inside. He tells you "Hello fello butt wiper, I'm Harvey Norman. What kind of secret butt wipes are you looking for?"

A: Butts. B: Butt wipes. C: Whatever. D: I don't know. A: What is the proper response to this situation?

You B.

What is the appropriate response to this situation?You C. Your choice is between A and B. You choose A.

The man says "That is the correct answer, let me show you to Ass Valhalla."

You walk through a long corridor filled with ass lairs. They look exactly like the picture they are shown on TV. Some are dead, some are alive, but all are just piles of meat. Harvey takes you into a room full of butthole monsters. He shows you how to use a scalpel and cuts open a corpse.

You begin to wipe the ass lairs and butthole monsters with your wipes. You attempt to make a sale.

> You try to make a deal with the monster You put your arms around the corpse and kiss the face before turning to the next corpse. It smells horrible, but you manage to make a deal with it. You wipe the shit off the floor and clean the walls with it. It tastes terrible, but you finish cleaning the place. Then you see another corpse.

You roll the corpse over and find a container marked "Butt Sass." These are the wipes you're looking for.

You pick them up and leave. As you walk along, you hear a voice behind you. You turn around and see a woman holding a shotgun. She yells, "Who the fuck are you?! Who are you?!" You say "My name's John, and I'm selling these buttholes!"

You barter with John to trade buttwipes for a butthole of your own.

You walk out of the store and into a parking lot where you meet up with Harvey. You tell him about your new found butt business. He gives you directions to an address. As you approach the house, you notice a white van parked out front. The driver is smoking a cigarette as he looks at you.

You realize the FBI aka the Federal Butthole Investigators, are staking you out. "Kiss my immaculate, butthole," you yell at them.

They run back into their van and drive off. You enter the house and see a large, fat man sitting on the couch. He smiles and asks, "Are you the one who sold me those butt wipes?" You nod. "Great, so I'll give you ten dollars for each one of those buttholes".

You become a butthole dealer full time. Your nickname is Pablo Asscobar.

Chapter 9: The Big One You spend the rest of the week trying to sell your buttholes. On Sunday, you finally succeed. Someone buys them from you for twenty bucks. You feel great. You then buy more buttholes and sell them for thirty bucks. By Monday afternoon, you've made enough money to buy a car.

You buy a Triumph TR7 sportscar.

That same day, you go to the garage to change the tire. There is a body lying on the ground. It has been shot several times and its eyes are swollen shut. Its skin is peeling off. You also see a girl's hand sticking out from under the body. Her thumb is bleeding. "Oh god! Oh god! Please". she cries.

You say "Fine, I won't rescue you, if you insist," you tell the girl. You order your henchman to not disturb the girl, then you drive to meet the local butthole supplier.

As you arrive at the location, you see three men standing outside of a small building. One of them is wearing a trench coat, the other two are dressed in leather jackets. You stop your car and walk towards them. "Hey guys, what can we do for you?" "We need a little something special, so hurry up!" one of them shouts.

You say "I am the one who wipes!!!"

and point at the corpses. "See that's why I call you the big one, because you have a pretty face, but you ain't got no brains! Now here's the deal, you get to keep whatever you sell me. If you want to keep your life, you better stay out of trouble, or else". "Deal," one of them replies.

You do a burnout on his lawn in your Triumph TR7 to show him who's boss.

You get out of your Triumph, get into a bitchin' Camaro, then you do a burnout on his lawn.

After you pull up, he gets out of his Camaro and walks up to you. "What do you think?" he says. "It's a nice car, but it doesn't even have air conditioning," you reply. "Well, you should be glad I didn't take the Ferrari, cause it woulda been a piece of shit".

You use a bunch of wipes to make your ass super shiny, the light hits your butt and blinds the man. You then hop in his car and drive off.

The next morning, you wake up and look at yourself in the mirror. You're still naked, but now you have a pair of sunglasses on your head. You say "Now I know how you feel when your wife leaves you..". You start driving down the road and you hit a bump in the road. The sun shines on your face and burns it.

You stop at the farmer's market and show off your shiny butthole. The sun reflects off of your b-hole and accidentally sets the Farmer's Market on fire.

Later that night, you sleep in your car while watching TV. When you wake up, you find that the sun is setting in the distance. You decide to go home and watch some TV before bed.

You go to the bathroom and wipe the oil off your shiny ass before going to bed.

> Next page. You go to the grocery store and buy a bunch of stuff. You then go to the gas station and buy a gallon of gasoline. You fill up your tank and drive home. After filling up your tank, you drive to your house. When you get there, you park your car in the driveway and put on your sunglasses.

The feds surround your car, guns drawn. You are arrested for being a butthole kingpin.

Chapter 10: A New Beginning You stand before Judge Randal who sentences you to death by lethal injection. He looks like he wants to kill you, but decides against it. He hands you a pen and writes down your name. Then he puts you in a cell with five other people. They all wear black jumpsuits with white stripes. All of them have shaved heads.

You can smell their unwiped buttholes from the other end of the cell.

You hear someone saying "Oh my God! That guy is a faggot". A few days later, a new judge takes office. She gives you a chance to plead guilty and save your life. You refuse and fight your case. In court, you explain how you were born gay and grew up in an environment where everyone was gay.

You are acquitted because you are gay. You are glad to be free, but you miss smelling those four buttholes in your cell all day.

A month passes and you receive a letter from Judge Randal. He tells you to come back to court. He says he will give you another chance. This time you accept his offer. He sends you to the courthouse again and this time he lets you choose which person you want to kill. The first person is a woman named Nancy.

The second person is the black market buttwipe dealer that go you into this whole underground butthole world.

He is called Bobby. Bobby is very nervous about killing the black market dealer. He tries to convince himself that he is doing the right thing. "This is wrong, but if I don't do it, I'm gonna die". "No, you're not gonna die, you're just gonna go to jail for life".

You decide to kill Judge Randal.

You walk into the courtroom wearing sunglasses. You open up the envelope and read the letter inside. It reads "Goodbye, my friend" You are ready to kill him. You shoot him twice in the chest. Then you put the gun to his head and squeeze. He cries out as blood gushes out of his mouth and nose.

You give the eulogy at Judge Randal's funeral. His family is furious at you, but everyone agrees you were clever to kill him.

You're released after serving two years in prison. You spend most of your time playing video games and smoking pot. Eventually you quit doing both altogether. One day you see a beautiful blonde girl walking down the street. She has long hair and wears glasses. You immediately think of Nancy. You follow her into her apartment building and knock on her door.

You say "Excuse me, do you have a butthole?"

She opens the door and sees you. Her eyes widen in shock and she backs away slowly. "What? Who the hell are you?! How did you get in here?!" she asks. You tell her everything. She starts crying and runs upstairs to call the police. Afterwards, you feel sick and vomit all over yourself.

You say "it's ok. I'M GAY."

Your mother comes downstairs and confronts you. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming home so late last night? What kind of father would I be if I let you stay out past curfew? I'll kick you out!" You reply "Mommy loves me no matter what". Afterwards you cry in your room for awhile until you fall asleep.

You use the butt wipes to clean up the vomit.

One morning you wake up and realize you forgot something important in your room. You take a quick look and see a note taped to the door of Judge Randal's apartment. It reads: TO THE BUTTPUBSTER WHO KILLED JUDGE RALPH YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO LIVE!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!

You take the letter to the police to report a hate crime.

The cops investigate and find a bloody footprint leading to the woods behind Randal's apartment complex. They also find a trail of blood from the apartment complex to the woods. The police theorize that the killer must've been hiding there since the murder took place. Years pass...

You open up a bar called "Buttpubster's Watering Hole." One day, a man walks in. "Hi, I'm the killer in the woods," he tells you.

"I killed Judge Randal because he was gay". You laugh and ask him why he came here. "Because I'm a fucking asshole".

You say "We're all Buttpubster's here, pal."

The man looks confused, then angry. He yells "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME BITCH??!" You smile and continue "If you join us, we won't hurt you. We promise".

You pull down your pants, show him your very shiny ass, and burn him to death with the light reflecting off your ass.

> You join Buttpubster's After the murder, you joined the group and became their leader. You lead them through raids on other gay bars. The only rule is you can't harm anyone else. Soon, you become known as "the Buttman" and people flock to you. A few months later, one of them is murdered.

You show up at the memorial and angle your butt toward the sky to create a rainbow. You vow to avenge your fellow Buttman's death.

Years pass...