Grand Theft Cursed Items

Posted under Episode 0, Story On By Chief

Welcome to Dead Men's Warehouse: You're gonna hate the way you look.
 The blood and dirt are real, but they aren't yours." A woman with a pistol aimed at my face had me trapped against the wall of one of those warehouses I'd been looking for so long ago.
 She was wearing what looked like an old army uniform—khaki pants that were ripped in places, leather boots, and a black shirt open over her breasts. Her skin was dark as if she'd spent most of her life outdoors, except there were no lines on it anywhere.

You realize this is an unhappy customer and tell her that at Dead Men's Warehouse, unhappy customers are the reason you do business.
 But by now your heart has turned to ice, and you don't want to be here anyway, so all you can say is "I'm sorry?"
She looks at you strangely for a moment, then shrugs and says, "Don't worry about it," before turning back to me.

You are saved by The Phantom of the Amazon Warehouse.
 He appears suddenly from behind the woman, grabs her gun hand with his own, shoves the barrel up into her mouth, and pulls the trigger. It fires once, twice, three times, and she falls forward onto the concrete floor.

You offer your thanks to The Phantom and tell him if he wants to hate the way hey looks, you know exactly the outfit for him and because he saved your life, it'll be 50% off.

The Phantom ignores you and walks over to the body. With his foot, he kicks the pistol away. Then he reaches down and picks up something small and round. You think it might be a glass vial or bottle, but when he holds it out to you, you see that it's just
 a watch.
"It's mine," you say, reaching for it.
He doesn't let go of it. "I didn't ask," he tells you.
But you have to take it.

You don't know what compels you to steal the watch, but it has some paranormal energy that speaks to you.
 You feel compelled to keep it. And so you reach for it and slip it into your pocket, where it sits snugly next to the coin purse.
The Phantom turns around and starts walking away, toward the end of the warehouse, which seems to be deserted.

At first you assume you've done something wrong. Maybe you stole it. Or maybe you killed someone.
Then you remember that you didn't really kill anyone.
You also realize that you're not going to get much more help from The Phantom, so you decide to follow him.

The Phantom takes you to an area of the Warehouse you never knew existed.   There are tons of fantastical items such as:

• An ancient sword that glows blue-white, almost radioactive, in its scabbard
• A cauldron full of bubbling potions
• A magical crystal ball that shows a future you have yet to experience
• A huge suit of armor made entirely of solid gold
• Some kind
 of clockwork contraption that you suspect is actually alive
• A giant statue of a naked woman who seems to be crying tears of blood
There's even a stuffed unicorn head mounted on a wall, and it seems to be laughing at you.

You realize all the items here seem to be sentient.
 They don't belong in a place like this, and they're definitely not meant for sale. So you wonder how they got here.
And why did The Phantom bring you?
What does he want with you?

The Phantom tells you, "All of these items are living and all of them are cursed.  You need to atone for stealing them from their rightful places and attempting to sell them!"

You hear a voice inside your head saying, "Well, duh."
You know you can't do that, so you explain to The Phantom that you can't atone for stealing things from people who aren't dead yet.

You grab the cursed sword and prepared to defend yourself.  As you pickup the sword, you gain the following curse:

Your soul will rot away and turn to dust within one year.
So you put the sword down, muttering, "Aww, man."
The Phantom tells you, "If you ever try to sell any of these items again, I will hunt you down and kill you myself."

You hear what The Phantom says as you are almost fully encased in the cursed golden armor.

You feel a burning sensation and the pain of your soul melting away.
After a few moments, you realize you can breathe again.
You tell The Phantom that he owes you for saving your life, and you return to the rest of the items in the Warehouse.

As you waddle around the warehouse in the golden armor, you gain the following curse:

Your body will become covered in fur and claws.
You realize that you can walk and run in the armor without difficulty, but you still feel awkward wearing it.
By the time you finish exploring the Warehouse, you notice that you've gained a new tail and four additional toes on each foot.

You try to leave and head back home, but you are stopped by the Phantom who tells you, "Take off that golden armor!"

You tell him, "No way. It's my favorite thing in the world."
He tells you, "It's cursed. You have to give it up or else you'll die."

You second guess your decision when the golden armor suddenly gives you and extra
 leg and tail.
Then you feel a terrible pain in your chest.
The Phantom tells you, "That's because you're a coward! Take it off now!"
You finally agree to remove the armor, but you feel a strange burning sensation while doing so.

You look down at see the weird burning sensation is caused by
 the fact that your skin is now covered in scales and your face has become elongated.
You hear a voice inside your head telling you, "Now that you've completed the quest, I'm free to go."

You realize the voice inside your head is
 the Phantom.
You hear the Phantom saying, "I will find you and kill you someday."
You feel another terrible pain in your chest, and you fall to the ground unconscious.
When you wake up, you are back in the normal clothes you were wearing before you left town.

You pick up the coin purse you had dropped earlier and look inside.
You discover that the coin purse is now filled with coins.
You take out the coin purse and count all of the coins inside.

You discover that there are a total of six hundred and forty five silver dollars, seven gold pieces, and two copper pieces.
You feel a little guilty about keeping all of those coins, so you decide to donate half of them to charity.

You almost make it home before you realize that the coins are probably cursed.  You rush back to the Orphanage where you donated the cursed coins and see the kids running around with the following curse:

Their souls will slowly rot away and turn into dust.
You know that the children can't keep using the coins, so you ask The Phantom if he would buy them back.
He tells you, "I can't do that.

You tell the head of the Orphanage, "Time to look for new homeless kids, this ones won't be around too much longer..."

You feel a burning sensation in your chest.
You hear a voice inside your head saying, "Now that you've completed the quest, I'm free to go."
You hear the Phantom say, "I will find you and kill you someday."

The Phantom says, "And today is that day!"  You look down and see the Phantom has stabbed you with a long dark sword.

You hear a voice inside your head saying, "Your soul will rot away and turn to dust."
You feel the burning sensation in your chest and fall to the ground unconscious.
You wake up in bed with Angelica and she asks, "How are you feeling?"

You tell her, "My chest hurts."
She tells you, "That's not good. We need to get you to a doctor."
You hear a voice inside your head saying, "I am free to go."

As you life flashes before your eyes, you notice the sword the Phantom has is from your warehouse and you chuckle to yourself because you know it is cursed.  The Phantom suffers the following curse:

"All of the items you own will be stolen by someone else."
You are happy that the Phantom's soul is no more.
Angelica helps you out of bed and leads you to the door.