Gator Aid – You are Johnny Florida, and you just helped a local gator drink a fifth of Captain Morgan Spiced Rum

Posted under Episode 0, Story On By Chief

You are Johnny Florida, and you just helped a local gator drink a fifth of Captain Morgan Spiced Rum
"I... I did?" he asked. "What happened to the rest of it?"
The bartender nodded. "It's gone. And so is your wallet."
"Wait," said Johnny, "you mean that was all real? That's not some kind of joke?"
"No joke," said the bartender.
  The bar becomes infamous after a viral video of the drunk gator drives into a telephone pole in front of the bar.
 The video goes viral, and the bar gains national attention. It also makes them famous for their gator-infused drinks.
Johnny Florida comes back to his hometown and opens a new bar called the Gator Bar. He doesn't have any idea what the hell he's doing, but he's determined to make this place successful.
 You make everything gator themed from the bar to the bathrooms and even
 the food menu. You hire a few gators as bartenders and waiters. People flock to the bar like moths to a flame, especially since they're already known for having the best gator meat on the planet.
The Gator Bar is a huge success. You can barely keep up with the demand for your gator meat.

> You hear a loud noise outside and see a giant crowd of PETA protestors outside your bar.

You try and ignore it
You know that if you try to talk to them they will only become more enraged and start throwing things at you or worse. Instead you decide to barricade yourself in the bar and hope they leave soon. This doesn't work though and they manage to break down the door and begin attacking you.
 A member of PETA frees all the gators and soon the bar descends into chaos as the gators attack the protestors.

You hide and hope for the best
You hide behind a large table in the corner of the bar while the gators eat the protestors alive. After a couple of hours the gators finally stop eating and you get out from behind the table. Unfortunately the whole bar has been destroyed by the gators and you need to rebuild it before you can reopen.

> The local news brands the gator attack as

"Gator Mayhem!"
"They say the gators were hungry..."
"This is horrible! What's going to happen to these poor people?"
"I dunno, I guess they'll sue someone!"
"Sue who?!"
"Who cares?! They're all dead now!"
"Oh my God, I'm gonna be sick!"
"Just look away!"

> You lean into the Gator Mayhem branding and make t-shirts and other gator attack themed products.

"Made in China"
"Is that an alligator on your shirt? No, it's a crocodile!"
"Stupid tourist got eaten by the locals!"
"Don't go swimming in the Everglades, you might get eaten by an alligator!"
"Hey, isn't that the guy who got eaten by alligators?"

> You meet one of the victims from the Gator Mayhem attack and he tells you how he is doing.

"Well, I still don't understand why they killed me. I didn't do anything wrong. I was minding my own business. I wasn't bothering anyone. Why would they kill me? Oh well, I guess I shouldn't complain. At least I am alive."
"That's right. Be thankful you are alive. There are plenty of others that aren't."

> You open a charity in this man's honor dedicated to the people who have been mauled by gators.

"We believe that we should help the unfortunate people who have been attacked by alligators because it's the right thing to do."
"I agree. I think this is a very good cause."
"So, I want to raise money to pay for medical bills for those who have had alligator attacks. Also, we can provide counseling for those affected by alligator attacks."
 You name the charity:
 Alligator Attack Victims Help Fund
"This is a great idea. We should set up a website where people can donate money online. We could also put donation boxes around town. We should also write a letter to the newspapers and radio stations about our cause. We should also send letters to politicians asking for donations."
"Those sound like great ideas. We can start writing letters today."
  You reserve the domain name for the charity:
You write a letter to the newspaper explaining your intentions.

> You donate $1000 to the fund to get the ball rolling.

"Since this is a charity, I thought I'd donate $1000 to get the ball rolling. I hope you can find people who want to donate more than I did."
"Thank you! I really appreciate it. Now, let's set up a meeting time so we can discuss the details."
You meet up with the founder of the group to discuss the details of the charity.

> You are home alone one night when you realize someone has snuck in hundreds of gators in your trailer home.

"What the fuck?! Who the fuck is in here?!" you shout, trying to locate whoever it is.
"Shhh... It's just me. Don't worry, I won't hurt you." says the voice.
"How did you get in here?" you ask suspiciously.
"Through the window. I used a ladder." replies the voice.

> You look up and see a shadowy figure standing on a mountain of gators.

"What the hell is this shit!?" you exclaim.
"It's not shit, it's my army." replies the shadowy figure.
"Your what army?!" you scream.
"My army of gators. I've been training them for years." replies the shadowy figure.
"Training them to kill me?"
 you retort.
"No, I trained them to live peacefully in my swamp." replies the shadowy figure.
"You're insane. You're not going to take over the island. You're crazy and you're going to die." you yell.
"Oh I know that, but I'm too old to fight anymore. I've trained my gators to protect me.

> You shine a flashlight into the gator's eyes and recognize the shadowy figure is Shrek!

"Shrek! What are you doing here? And how did you get into my house?" you exclaim.
"I came to check on you after hearing about what happened to you yesterday. I knew you wouldn't be able to resist coming back here." replies Shrek.
"Wait a minute. Yesterday you told me you were going to leave me alone forever after what happened last night.
 Are you saying you lied?" you say.
"I never said I was leaving you forever. I only said I was going to leave you alone for a while. Besides, I figured if I told you I was leaving you alone you'd probably try to stop me. So instead I came down here to talk to you and get some answers." explains Shrek.

> You team up with Shrek and his of army of gator to franchise your gator themed bar and restaurant to the rest of America.

"Wow, I never thought I'd see the day when me and Shrek teamed up to help each other out." you say.
"Me neither. But now that we're both involved in the gator farm business, we'll need to work together for the greater good." replies Shrek.

> You immediately use your gator business for evil.

After making sure you have enough money to keep yourself alive, you begin to expand your business even further. You're not happy with just having your gator themed bar and restaurant, you plan on franchising it across the country. You use the money from your previous ventures to buy up various real estate properties throughout the United States.

> You are blamed for the population explosion of gators in America.

The number of gators in America skyrockets due to the massive amount of food you supply. The gators begin to eat anything they can find including people, which causes an uproar among the people. You're blamed for causing the gator population boom and are charged with murder. You go to trial and are found guilty and sentenced to death.

> You plea with the court to give you a lesser sentence if you can take care of the gator problem.

The court agrees and lets you off the hook because of your ability to control the gators. The government decides to give you a chance to prove your worth by sending you to Florida to deal with the gator problem.
You arrive in Florida and are sent to the Everglades.

> You use your gator army to free the Everglades from the United States and start your own sovereign nation.

With the help of your gator army you are able to liberate the Everglades and turn it into a new nation. A new nation that gives you total power over the land. You rename the country Gatorland and declare yourself as its first president.
You then create your own constitution and make several changes to it that allow you to rule the country however you please:

Article 1: All gators must speak English.
Article 2: Any gator who does not speak English will be executed.
Article 3: Any gator who eats another gator will be executed.
Article 4: Any gator who kills humans or other non-gators will be executed.
Article 5: Any gator who eats human flesh will be executed.

Article 6: Any gator who eats human flesh and is captured will be executed.
Article 7: Any gator who takes part in any illegal activity will be executed.
Article 8: Any gator who commits adultery will be executed.
Article 9: Any gator who commits incest will be executed.
Article 10: Any gator who cheats on taxes will be executed.

> You rule Gatorland for years in peace, but realize there are some serious issues brewing.

Gatorland has become a very popular tourist destination and you're getting more than your fair share of visitors. Some are tourists looking to escape their boring lives, others are spies trying to steal your secrets and secrets from the US military and US government. Others are criminals hoping to hide out in your kingdom.
So you decide to build a wall around Gatorland and ban all outsiders from entering.

> You and Shrek build a wall around Gatorland.

You and Shrek construct a wall around Gatorland. It's a solid wall made of bricks and steel reinforced concrete. You and Shrek are the only ones allowed inside this area and armed guards patrol the perimeter 24/7. Your security forces are ruthless and merciless and anyone caught attempting to break through the barrier is quickly shot dead.

> ​You receive a letter from Kim Jong Un for guidance on his society.

You receive a letter from Kim Jong Un for guidance on his society. He thanks you for your advice and asks for more. You explain that he should focus on improving his economy and infrastructure rather than nuclear weapons.
He writes back and says that he understands and will do so.

> You receive a letter from Dennis Rodman and invite him as the first outsider to visit Gatorland since the wall was built.

Dennis Rodman accepts your invitation and arrives at the gate. The guards at the gate let him in.
When he arrives at the entrance to Gatorland, he sees a sign that reads "No Trespassing." He looks at the guards and says, "I'm not trespassing!"
The guards laugh at him. One of them says, "That's right!

> You are shocked to learn that Dennis Rodman was gunned down at the border.

Dennis Rodman was gunned down at the border by a drug lord named El Chupacabra. His body was never recovered.

> You wage war on El Chupacabra, a gator drug lord.

You wage war on El Chupacabra, a gator drug lord. After some time fighting, you capture him. He tells you he's been smuggling drugs into Gatorland for years, and that he knows everything about the place.
"What do you want with us?" you ask.
"Well, I want my drugs back.
 But I also want to know what happened to my brother who was working here."
"Your brother? Why would we have killed him?"
"Because he was a traitor. He told me that he was going to sell the drugs to someone else, and I knew that wasn't true, so I had him killed."
"And why did he say that?"

"Because he was afraid of you guys. He thought you were going to kill him. So now I want revenge against you."
"Of course," you say. "We'll get him back for you."
El Chupacabra goes away happy for now.

> You put Shrek in charge of the hunt for El Chupacabra's brother.

Shrek puts El Chupacabra's brother in jail.
Afterwards, he asks if you'd like to go to dinner. You agree.
You go to a nice restaurant and eat. As you finish eating, Shrek gets up and leaves without saying anything. You sit there for a moment confused. Then a waiter comes up to you.

> You order a gator themed dessert.

You order a gator themed dessert. It's a chocolate cake with marshmallow frosting and gummy worms. At least, that's what it looks like. When you take a bite, you find that it tastes exactly like the gator meat you ate earlier today.
You vomit profusely and run out of the restaurant.

> You start a foundation in honor of Dennis Rodman and call it "Gator Aid".

You start a foundation in honor of Dennis Rodman and call it "Gator Aid". It consists of a van filled with Gatorade and several hundred pairs of gator shoes. You drive around town giving away free gator aid to anyone who needs it. You also make sure to wear one of your gator suits every day.
You begin to gain popularity and soon everyone loves you.