Gary Gruel, professional bounty hunter

Posted under Episode 113, Story On By Chief

You are known for hunting people with a laser football and having a lot of cool scars getting all the chicks and being president of the united states.  You also drive a lot of electric cars that are also Transformers and save the environment.

You go on a Tinder date with a hot piece of ass who is also the most wanted woman in Nevada. Her name is Ariella Spanx

. > The Bait Job You get to your destination and park nearby. A man walks up to you. He looks like he's about twenty-five or so, but his face is lined with wrinkles. His hair is grayish brown and he wears glasses. He has an almost childlike demeanor. "So, I hear you're the guy who did the job".

You say "Yeah I'm the guy, who do you want me to kill?"

> You Kill Him "Kill him". You say. The man nods "I'll take care of it". You walk over to the man and grab him by the collar. "What the fuck are you doing? What the hell are you doing?!" He pulls away from you and stares at you, he seems surprised by your sudden aggression.

You say "Put the credits in my account! I'll take care of the job!! I'm meeting with Ariella Spanx later tonight!!!"

The man says "Fine" and leaves. You look around and see no one watching, you turn back to the man and give him a wink before turning to leave. As you walk out you can feel yourself becoming more relaxed. You begin to think that maybe this was a good idea after all... As you walk down the street, you notice a young girl walking behind you.

You grab the Laser Football out of your trunk and kill your target in front of the little girl. You walk up to her after you cut the mans head off as proof of your deed and tell her "I don't give a FUCK about children!". She runs away crying.


You meet up with Ariella Spanx at Mannequins, the hottest male strip club in Las Vegas. You are very secure with yourself. Ariella is pleasantly surprised by all of your cool scars.

She asks if you need help with anything else and you agree without hesitation. A few days pass and you have successfully killed three men, and have two victims under oath. You tell Ariella everything and she tells you to relax. She goes on to say that she really likes you and would love to be involved in some sort of legal action against the other two guys.

You say "I only do my negotiating in bed, Ariella. Care to join me?"

A month passes and you and Ariella continue to talk often. One night, you find out that she had been talking to another man while you were talking to her. This causes you to become angry. You go home and start beating her bloody, screaming at her that you will make sure she never sees anyone else again.

Ariella tells you she wants to hire you. You ask who she wants you to kill and she points at you. You start strangling yourself.

When you wake up you realize you have murdered someone and now must deal with the consequences.

You are filled with shame for failing to arrest Ariella Spanx. You call up the guild and put a bounty on your own head. Also, you murdered the room service guy in your sleep, but nobody cares.

One year passes...

you look at Ariella's facebook profile and see that she has a new husband and is pregnant. You decide to smoke a cigarette and head to the casino.

When you arrive there, you see that it is empty. You try to figure out where she went. You see a car parked outside the casino entrance. It is yours. You enter the casino and see that the place is dead. Nobody comes out of it except the occasional homeless person.

You say "Who owns the car out front?" you yell into the casino.

No one answers. You then check the rearview mirror and see that it is unlocked. You open the door and rush inside. You run upstairs and see Ariella lying on the floor. You scream "YOU KILLED ME!!!1!" She screams back and starts kicking you in the stomach. You manage to pull a pistol from your pants and shoot her twice in the chest.

The police show up and rule it as self-defense. Also, Ariella just gave birth before the gunfight, and the baby is yours. The cops place your infant daughter, Mary-Ellis Gruel-Spanx, in your scarred arms.

Meanwhile, you are in jail awaiting trial. Your lawyer is not going to let you plead guilty to murder because he doesn't believe that you deserve to die. You wonder how much time you will spend in prison. Two years pass... You are still in jail waiting for the trial.

You call your lawyer and ask for an update about the trial. "Talk to me" you say to your lawyer on the telephone.

He replies "Well, we're still waiting for the results of the autopsy. The jury hasn't even ruled yet". "How long until they get here?" "At least two weeks". Two weeks later, you are sentenced to death.

You continue to kill people that wronged you by throwing a laser football that you smuggled into jail. Your execution date is moved up to tomorrow.

On the day of the execution, you are escorted to the gallows. You are nervous about this, but when you get to the gallows, you are relieved that it isn't real. Then you are strapped to the chair. You hear someone say "Gentlemen, please remember, you may not cry or whimper during this process".

You Cry and whimper.

You are executed.

your two year old daughter Mary-Ellis Gruel-Spanx is in the audience. A single tear rolls down her cheek and hate grows in her heart.