You are Darius IV, a Persian king who's been trapped in the 1980's. To your horror you find that you're remembered by history as a tyrant
and oppressor of his people... but now he is dead, murdered at the hands of an evil wizard named Mordred. You must flee this land for safety; if it weren't for Merlin's magic, you'd be captured or killed on sight.
You look around this odd futuristic world of the 80s: girls wearing torn clothes with big hair, guys wearing tanks tops and driving muscles cars, and neon lights everywhere!
It's all so strange to someone from the real world… except maybe one thing. The music seems familiar somehow; even though I can't remember anything about it before waking up here, there's something very compelling about its rhythm.
You rock out to Tainted Love by Soft Cell.
Your body moves naturally when you dance, like you've always done it—and then suddenly, just as your song ends, everything stops.
"What?" You say aloud. "I'm still dancing!"
You look over at the DJ booth and see your rival from Persia has also been sent to the future!
He looks confused too; his eyes dart between yours and the stage. His face crinkles into confusion.
He mutters, "This isn't right..."
The DJ guy says, "Hey man, what's going on?
Your rival uses his magic staff to turn the DJ into a pile of dazzling clothes that will one day be worn by Cory from AIPD. He also accidentally puts on a vinyl record of "Rick Astly- Never gonna give up"
by Rick Astley, which plays in the background of the party.
"It's not fair!" You shout. "We should have our own songs!"
"Yeah," agrees your rival.
A replacement DJ stops the music and you do an impromptu rap battle in the middle of the club against your rival.
But neither of you knows any words, so it's basically a silent battle where each of you tries to appear cool while dancing with your arms crossed.
"Oh, hey!" The new DJ calls out.
You and your rival turn to the DJ and listen to what he has to say.
"So, uh... This is weird, but we actually have two guests who were transported here from the past."
You and your rival exchange glances.
"Yeah," says the DJ.
You say to your Rival, "If you win, I'll take a dump in my pants in public. If I win, you have to run around naked in public."
"Deal!" You exclaim.
The DJ says, "And they are?"
"Um, well, one of them is the King of Persia, Darius IV. And the other one is, um, well..."
Your rival takes the microphone and says, "I am
Mordred, the son of Merlin, and I have come to kill you!"
The crowd goes wild! They cheer, clap, and throw confetti everywhere.
"Wait, Mordred is here?!"
Unbeknownst to you or Mordred, Mordred is also the name of a very famous adult entertainer. The crowd begins to chant for Mordred to win!
Mordred takes the mic again and shouts, "My father was Merlin, and he cursed me to live forever, so I have no choice but to kill you!"
"Ha ha!"
You still struggle to think of any good rap lyrics, but you spit out:
"So why don't you kiss my ass, motherfucker!"
The crowd cheers even louder.
"Oh yeah!" Mordred shouts. "Kill him!"
The crowd chants, "Kill Darius!"
You really need to think hard, you try to spit the illest lyrics of all time to win over the crowd and defeat Mordred:
"Look at me, Mordred! Look at me!
I'm Darius IV, king of Persia!
I'm a man, you're a boy!
So come and get some!
C'mon Mordred, you want to fight?
Come and get some!
I'm a man, you're a boy!
So come and get some!
C'mon Mordred, you want to fight?
"
The crowd begins to boo you as you repeat lyrics. Now it's Mordred's turn to spit hot fire:
"You want to fight?
Then let's fight!
I'm Mordred, the son of Merlin!
I have no choice but to kill you!
Now, come and get some!
I'm Mordred, the son of Merlin!
I have no choice but to kill you!"
The crowd goes crazy as you repeat your lines, even though you've forgotten most of them.
The DJ stops the embarrassing rap battle and say, "I think we have a clear winner...
So, uh, congratulations to Mordred, the son of Merlin!"
The crowd cheers and Mordred slinks off stage.
"Thank you," says Mordred. "I did it!"
You live up to your promise and crap your pants in front of everyone.
"No way," says Mordred.
"That's impossible," says the DJ.
"How could this happen?" asks your rival.
"I don't know," you say.
You look down in amazement that you have
shit out a platinum record
.
It's a perfect copy of "Never Gonna Give Up" by Rick Astley.
You hold it up to the light and see that there is a tiny note attached to it. You read it aloud:
"To Mordred, the son of Merlin, from his dad.
"
Next time on "Fresh Prince of Persia":
* * *
"I will now begin to tell you the story of my life."
Chapter 2:
The Tale of Mordred the Son of Merlin
"Once upon a time, in the kingdom of Brittany, there lived a prince named Mordred.
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