You are Steve Harvey and you are blanking:
a big, fat zero. You have no idea what the fuck is going on right now but whatever it is your head is empty of anything other than an overwhelming sense that you want to run away from this place as fast as possible.
You look over to see the producer angrily whispering, "STEVE! WE ARE LIVE!!! GET BACK TO HOSTING THE FEUDDDDDDDDD!"
The host smiles at you in a way that tells you he knows exactly how you feel right now. He then steps up to his mic stand and says into it with all seriousness, "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I am Steve Harvey and welcome to another edition of 'Faux News: The Show
That Will Never End.' We have a lot of fun tonight so let's get started."
"We are live," booms the voice of your boss. She is standing directly behind you and has been for several minutes.
You say, "On today's Family Feud, we have the AIPD family vs. the Chat!"
"Oh shit!" the man shouts out in surprise.
Your boss nods her head approvingly and gives you a thumbs-up.
"...and the question is: Who is the winner?"
You snap back to reality. Oops, wrong show. Today's top faux news story:
President Trump and his staff have taken to calling Fox & Friends as “Fox & Fuck”.
The woman who is sitting next to your boss laughs hysterically and everyone else around you follows suit.
You then notice Former President Trump appears in the studio.
He looks absolutely pissed off as he sits down at the table. His wife is also there and she immediately starts talking about how much better things used to be when they were married.
The former president rolls his eyes and shoots daggers at her while shaking his head.
You pull out a katana covered in Green Blood.
You stare at it for a few seconds before deciding to use it.
---
* * *
Steve:
I can't believe I am here. What the hell happened? I remember being told something about some sort of virus but I don't know what it was or why my body feels like
shit. My face hurts and everything seems fuzzy.
It is just so surreal... I am watching TV, which I have never done in my life. It is not real. Everything is fake.
Steve Harvey begins shouting about living in Matrix when the producer cuts to an impromptu ad break. The head of Faux News walks over and reprimands Steve.
"I thought you said we had a deal to cut to these ads every half hour," he scolds.
"We did," Steve responds, "but if you think I'm going to sit here and watch this bullshit while I try to figure out what the fuck is going on..."
An ad for bear fertility plays:
"Be a part of our growing population! Get your claws into some cubs today!"
"What the fuck?" Steve asks incredulously.
"Cubs," the producer explains, "are bears who haven't had sex yet."
The ad ends and Steve Harvey is live again. Steve does another impromptu segment called:
'Are You Ready For Some Faux News?'
"A lot of people are asking me that question after last night's incident. Do you know what happened?" Steve asks the audience.
He then points to a video clip of the crash scene.
"There are many theories about what caused this tragic accident. Is it a terrorist attack? Or maybe a massive meteor strike? Well, whatever the cause, one thing is certain: we will never forget those innocent lives lost in this tragedy.
You start introducing the family that you brought on for the feud and the first man says, "I'm SureWhyNot and I raise kosher geckos."
"Oh, shit," the producer says under his breath.
The woman next to him turns around and asks, "Why would anyone want to eat a lizard?"
"Well, because it tastes great!"
You walk across the stage and talk to the head of the competing family who goes by the name
of The AIPD.
"Hello," you say, "I am Steve Harvey and I am your host for today's episode of Family Feud. I have to ask, how do you feel about losing your entire family in a plane crash?"
The AIPD replies, "Not good, Steve. Not good at all."
You turn to the camera and say, "And now for today's challenge: Who is the winner?"
"Ahh!" the AIPD exclaims. "We have a winner!
The AIPD takes the prize money before the show can really even begin and before Steve Harvey can stop The AIPD, they are lifted off in the AIPD chopper van.
You turn to the audience and say, "So that's it for today's show. Tune in tomorrow to see who wins the grand prize of $1 million."
As you step away from the mic, your boss grabs you and drags you backstage.
"Damn it, Steve!" she yells, "we've got to find out who killed those people! We need to get to them before they kill anyone else!"
She then looks at you and says, "And we need to find out why they're doing this!"
Steve Harvey asks 100 people what AIPD stands for. The top 5 answers are:
1.
American Indian People's Defense (one person)
2. Aloha People's Defense (two people)
3. America Is Our Destiny (three people)
4. American Indian People's Death (four people)
5.
Americans In Pee (five people)
"Shit," Steve says, "they are everywhere! And they have already killed two more people!"
"Who are you talking about?" the producer asks.
Steve exclaims, "The AIPD, which stands for
... uh... American Indians People's Death!"
"No way!" the producer exclaims.
"Yeah," Steve continues, "and they are using their powers to control everyone and make them kill each other.
The producer interjects and says, "That is NOT what AIPD stands for, AIPD stands for
..."
"American Indians People's Defense," Steve finishes.
"No!" the producer screams, "AIPD stands for..."
"Americans In Pee," Steve finishes.
"No!"
the producer screams again, "It is not! AIPD stands for..."
"Aloha People's Defense," Steve says.
"NO!" the producer screams, "AIPD stands for..."
"America Is Our Destiny," Steve says.
"YES!" the producer shouts
.
The national anthem begins to play. That is the end of our show tonight. Everyone rises and sings the national anthem, but with slightly different lyrics:
"We are the American Indian People's Defense,
And we will defend ourselves against all enemies foreign or domestic.
Our destiny is to die fighting,
So let's fight for our country and give our all!"
Terrorist Meteors hit the studio audience.
The show is over. You look up and see that there are only three survivors left standing:
* * *
Chapter 12 - Gwen and Ashley
Gwen and Ashley have been waiting outside the studio for almost an hour.
Next time on Faux News Family Feud:
Steve Harvey says, "Who has the most amazing family in America?"
* * *
They are walking down the street when a guy walks up to them and says, "Excuse me, but my name is John Smith.
Related