Every step on the ground of cracked stone echos through the empty and ancient ruin, until you stop, arriving at a set of stairs leading down. You reach under one of the many tight segments of your armor, pulling a piece of parchment you tore from the quest board. 'Slay and return with the head of the Necromantress that made the depths of a long abandoned fortress her lair. Twenty silver pieces will be waiting for you once complete.'. You huff with annoyance and fold the paper, placing it back in your armor. Not the most well paying job you picked up, but you're in need of money, and ones that offer gold pieces are gone, taken by the more ambitious of your ilk.
You descend the stairs, the rotten and molded wood creaking under your feet. If you hadn't known any better, you might've thought they give at any moment, pulling you into the depths below. Eventually, you reach the bottom. Before you have any time to get acquainted with your surroundings, a shrill cry rings through the left hallway. You whirl around on your heel, torch leading the way. A goblin with a pair of accompanying skeletons on either side of him is at the other end of the hallway. The small green creature points it's rusted and bunted dagger at me. It's unusual to see such a creature in a nest for the undead, but you have later to think about such a curiosity.
> You shout the goblin word you know in an attempt to resolve this peacfully.
Goblin: "H-hey there! I'm just here takin' my rest!"
"Shut yer trap."
> You attack the goblin with a dagger from behind your back.
Your blade strikes true, piercing his heart and killing him instantly. He falls over onto his pile of bones, dead before he hits them.
> You feel bad and arrest yourself for the murder of the goblin.
The goblins were always getting themselves killed like this. They'd charge at enemies with their daggers drawn only to die from a single strike.
> You await your day in goblin court.
It was something you didn't want to do, but if you took another path then you wouldn't make as much coin.
You are sued by the Goblin widow.
She claims she has been wronged and wants twenty silver pieces in compensation. She says that when her husband died, he had promised her wealth and protection, but instead you stole her jewelry, burned her house down and ran off with
all her savings. Of course, none of that happened. Instead, it turns out that the goblin was really worried about being attacked by bandits and asked for your help.
You say, "I'm sorry." and accept her help to defend her home from bandits if she will help you get out of goblin jail.
She accepts. Her eyes light up with greed and she grins widely.
You walk down the street towards her house.
> You see bandits attacking the house. They are punching and trying to kick the door down.
They are dressed in dirty rags and wield rusty swords. They look wild eyed and insane, baring their teeth at you while shouting insults.
> You ask the Goblin Widow if these are the bandits she was worried about.
Bandit: "Whatcha gonna do, old man? Stand by and watch us kill your wife?"
You decide that you can't let them hurt the woman.
> You realize you have no weapon, but you let your fists do the talking as you defend yourself from the bandits.
You punch and dodge, striking the oncoming warriors and knocking them back. One of them grabs you by the throat, but you manage to throw him aside.
The bandits are frightened by your atomic adam's apple of a throat - never have they ever seen such a powerful throat before and the scatter off into the fields.
The women and children in the town scurry away.
The bandit that captured you is staring at your neck.
"Hey, what's that thing on your neck?
Is that... are you wearing some kind of weird necklace or somethin'?!"
You grab him by the collar and begin choking.
> You stop strangling the bandit when you look over to see the Goblin Widow crying with a look in terror in her eyes. You realize that you are being an absolute monster.
What a horrible person you've become.
You free the bandit, apologizing profusely.
* * *
> You return to the Goblin Widow's home for payment.
Goblin: "Heh. I knew you couldn't resist my charms. You said you'd pay me, right?"
> You say "I have no money. Right now we are even and I am desperate for work."
Goblin: "Oh. Well then, I guess you'll have to take me on the job. It's not often a girl like myself gets a chance at adventure and fame!"
You and the Goblin Widow return to the lair of the Necromantress and attempt to collect the bounty on her head.
Necromantress: "Hah! You're too late, mortals! I have already won!"
Goblin: "Well, I suppose it would be rude to just leave without making a fight of this
. Hmph! I think it should go something like this..."
Necromantress: "Hmf, hmm, well.
> You watch as the Goblin Widow and Necromantress have the most pitiful weak fight you have ever seen.
Necromantress: "Ugh, oh dear. How disappointing. You're so much stronger than your husband was, but you have no technique at all.
My spells are far more devastating than any sword strike could ever hope to be. Plus, I'm the necromancer, you know.
You look behind the Necromantress and are shocked to see the goblin you killed earlier has been revived and is reunited with his wife.
You watch as he and the goblin widow have sex with each other.
You feel sickened by the sight, but you can't turn away.
> You notice the Necromantress is distracted and you sneak attack killing her instantly. As you deal the killing blow, her necromancy wears off and the goblin dies leaving the Widow a widow once more.
You decide to continue on and find the 'Necromancer's Chamber'.
You walk down the hallway and soon hear noise coming from one side.
> You notice a book titled, "How to Kill the Necromantris for Dummies" and a particular chapter catches your eye.
You open it to read:
Chapter 5 - The Necrophiliac:
The Necrofiiliac is a demon that haunts the graveyards at night.
You are shocked to read what Necrophiliac does and decide that he must be defeated.
You read the following passage from the "Dummy Guide":
"...Necrophiliacs feed on corpses. They lure victims into nearby cemeteries and bury them alive.
Then, they use their magic to revive the bodies and consume them again.
Once the victim's body returns, it becomes an undead zombie that attacks the living."
You've read enough. You head to the graveyard and wait for the Necrofiiliac to show up.
You keep an ear out, but you don't hear anything suspicious.
A few hours later, you finally spot the Necrofiiliac.
You attack the Necrofiiliac with your atomic adam's apple.
You watch with horror as the Necrotic Fiilli breaks apart.
You are horrified that you didn't kill the Necromantress first.
> You see the Necromantress standing atop a hill in the graveyard. You notice that she cannot be killed so easily and now she has a large undead army at her disposal. She sends the undead to attack you.
You manage to defeat a few of the zombies, but the rest surround you. You fall back to the Necromantress.
> You notice the absolute fear in eyes of the Necromantress, who is shocked by your speed and strength. You decide to exercise some humility today and spare her life. You leave the graveyard and head back to the now abandoned tavern and pour yourself a drink.
You meet the Goblin Widow and have a couple of drinks.
You have a chat and you learn that the Necromantress has moved on to greener pastures, but says she'll tell you where.
> You hit things off with the Goblin Widow and finally work up the courage to ask her what her real name is.
You realize her real name is, "Goblin Widow".
She tells you about a secret door to the Necromancer's lair.
Goblin Widow legally changes her name to Bob Widow and you look worried.
Goblin Widow promises that if you help kill the 'Necromantress' for good, you can do whatever pleases you and the Widow as well.
> You say "I want to watch paint dry."
You agree and the two of you head off to kill the 'Necromantress'.
You sneak up behind her and stab the Necromanticist.
Now you finally can do the one thing you've always wanted to do:
watch the 'Necromantress' die.
You watch as she falls over dead.
You are relieved to see that the Necromantress is truly, really dead this time.
Now you finally can do the second thing you've always wanted to do:
watch the goblin Widow live.
You will need money and a map, but you can find both at the Necromancer's Lair.
Next time on the Adventures of Bob the Crusader:
You and the goblin Widow head to the Necromancer's castle.
You are going to go through a series of trials, but you can get everything you need to make it out alive.