You are Sebastian Wilt, a peasant living in the kingdom of Larion. You have a pitchfork and a nothing else. You wake up and begin working in the fields. You see a girl named Eliza who looks like you're related to. She tells you that she wants to be your wife and marry into royalty, but you tell her no because it would mean giving up your life as a simple farmer.
> make her do all our farm duties for the year and then you'll marry her, but she doesn't know that is a lie
You try to convince her that marriage would be better than being on the farm, but she still refuses. The next day you hear some noise from outside and go out to investigate. When you get there, you find a group of bandits attacking one of your neighbors' farms.
> hire the bandits to kidnap her so you can get back to farming
You decide to hire the bandits to take care of this problem. They agree and say they will meet you at the farmhouse where they plan to kill the owner.
The next morning you go down to the farmhouse with them.
> alright I don't have much gold but I have a shit ton of radishes, how many radishes to make her disappear and then I wink
You are an idiot, you think you've got enough radishes to make her disappear and then you wink.
You sneak into the house and grab the girl while she's sleeping. You tie her hands together with rope and throw her over your shoulder before running off to hide in a nearby bush.
> "well the bandits don't like radishes, how bout that marriage?"
"Well the bandits don't like radishes, how bout that marriage?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were a woman."
"No, it's fine. It was just a stupid mistake."
> "is that a deal breaker that I'm a woman?"
"No, not really. I mean if you want me to marry you, we could always change our minds later."
You walk away from the scene and go back home.
> have your new wife make you dinner while you tend to the radishes
You sit down at the table and start eating your food. Your wife comes in with two sacks of radishes and sits beside you.
"So what did you come here for?" she asks.
"Nothing, I came to eat my dinner.
> get a divorce and find a woman that can cook
"I'm done," you say.
"What? What happened?"
"Ohh... well I guess it's best if you aren't around anymore."
"Yeah, yeah, I'm done. You can stay out of my way if you want..."
> hop on radish farmer dating site: radishfarmersonly.com
You log onto the website and look for someone to date. There isn't anything right now, but you might as well give it a shot since you're already married.
You type in "radish farmer" and get a lot of responses.
> fall in love with another radish farmer online
You begin typing in the name of the person who wrote you. You see that he/she has left their real name and his or her picture. You see that he/she is a man named "Juan".
You type in Juan's real name and get a response.
> "hey I think you're the Juan, if you catch my drift. on a different note, can you cook?"
"Sure, sure, whatever you say."
"Hey I think you're the Juan, if you catch my drift. on a different note, can you cook?"
"Sure, sure, whatever you say."
You chat with him for awhile and he seems nice enough.
> get a K1 visa for Juan and appear on the show "90 day fiance"
You decide to take the chance and get a K1 visa for Juan so that he appears on the show "90 day fiance". He says he'll be there on the 17th. You tell him to bring some money because you need to buy something special for this occasion.
> meet Juan at the airport with two bags of your finest radishes to greet him as he lands
You arrive at the airport with two bags full of radishes. The first bag contains the most delicious radishes you've ever tasted. The second bag contains the least expensive ones, which means they're still good.
> hug Juan and give him the radishes, ask him "do I look as good as I did on the website?"
You hug Juan and give him one of the bags full of radishes.
You say "Are these radishes any good?"
He smiles and says "Of course! They're from my farm!"
You smile and nod.
> go home and have Juan cook you a meal, tell him "no radishes please, I need something delicious"
You go back home and have Juan cook you a meal, telling him no radishes please, I need something delicious.
You get a call from Juan saying he needs to leave soon because he has to go pick up some things. He hangs up on you before you can answer it.
> call Juan back and tell him "you're cheating on me, I know it! that neighbor radish farmer Sally is a whore"
You call Juan back and tell him what you just told him. He tells you that he knows she is, but doesn't care because he loves you anyway.
You hang up on Juan and cry for about an hour. Then you get angry and start yelling at the phone until it dies.
> !when Juan gets home, you tell him that if he is unfaithful again you are going to get him deported
When Juan gets home, you tell him that if he is unfaithful again, you are going to deport him. He looks down and says "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."
You walk into the kitchen and grab a knife out of the cabinet.
> chop up some radishes and go to bed
You sit down on the couch and start chopping up some radishes. You feel sick after eating them. You don't want to eat anything anymore. Your stomach hurts and you vomit all over yourself.
You lie down in bed and try not to think about what happened last night.
> wake up Juan and tell him you think you've been poisoned. demand he drive you to the hospital
You wake up Juan and tell him that you think you've been poisoned. Demand he drive you to the hospital.
He asks why? You explain that you ate too many radishes and now your body feels like its on fire. You need someone to take care of this right away.
You go outside and see the ambulance parked next to the house. It's headed straight for you.
You run inside and tell Juan to drive you to the hospital.
You go outside and wait by the ambulance while Juan drives it.
You watch as Juan goes through the motions of driving the ambulance, then you realize that he isn't even paying attention to where he's going. He's just following his GPS directions.
> "Juan the hospital, pull over it's right there!"
You yell at Juan to stop the car and get out of it. He complies immediately.
You pull out a small baggie filled with pills and throw it in the front seat of the ambulance.
You yell at Juan to stop the car and get out of it.
> call the DEA and say you think your husband has been dealing drugs
You call the DEA and report what happened. They come to your door and ask Juan if he wants to press charges against his wife or not. He declines, saying he'll do it himself since you were so upset.
> pull out the radish knife and enter the bedroom as Juan sleeps, wake him up with the knife at his throat and say "I am the one who farms Radishes" and then kill him
You sneak into Juan's room and wake him up. You stab him repeatedly in the neck with the radish knife. You then stand over him and say "I am the one who farms Radishes" before killing him.
You leave his body lying on top of the bed covered in blood.
> evade the police and move to Alaska
You hide out in an abandoned cabin in the woods near Anchorage. The cops aren't interested in you, but they do find out where you live and send a squad after you.
The cops catch up to you and arrest you for murdering your spouse.
> eat a meal in jail
You spend two weeks in jail, during which time you're fed three meals a day. You never once break a sweat and remain perfectly healthy.
Afterward, you decide to escape from jail by hiding out in the wilderness. You walk into the forest and disappear completely.
> find some berries and kill rabbits to eat
You hunt down some wild berries and eat them raw. You don't feel hungry anymore.
You hide out in the wilderness for another few days until you hear about a man being arrested for stealing radishes from a farm.
> craft a spear out of a stick and kill the radish thief for the sake of the radishes
You craft a spear out of a piece of wood and use it to kill the radish thief for the sake of the radishes.
You hide out in the wilderness for several more days until you hear about another man being arrested for stealing radishes from a farm.
> marry the radish thief
You head back to the farmhouse and tell Juan that you want to marry the radish thief. He agrees immediately.
You return home and tell Juan that you want to marry the radish thief. He agrees immediately.
> have Juan officiate the second wedding with this new radish thief
You go to Juan's house and tell him that you want to marry this new radish thief. He says yes!
You run off with the newlyweds to go rob a bank together.
> trade gold bars with all the radish farmers you know, create a radish monopoly, and then make it so radishes are worth more that the gold bars you stole from the bank
You head to the nearest farm and grab a bunch of gold bars from the vault. You put them in your bag and take them back to Juan's house.
You get caught by the cops when you try to flee again. They arrest you and throw away your bags of stolen money.
Your marriage is now officially over.