James Pretendo, a horse love guru

Posted under Episode 3, Story On By Chief

You are James Pretendo, a horse love guru. The Kentucky derby has just ended and your horses were the fastest in the whole world. Jeff Besos brings you a suitcase full of money and asks to buy your fastest horse. You agree and he takes you to meet him at his barn.

Inside is a large man with wild hair and an impressive mustache. He looks like a cross between Elvis Presley and Jack Nicholson, but that's not even the weirdest thing about this guy.

> "Why are you wearing a horses ass on your chest?"

"Because it's funny!"

The man laughs and says "I'm not wearing anything on my chest! I don't wear any underwear! That would be silly."

You laugh too and ask if he rides a horse.


He smiles and says "No, but I do have a lot of other things on my body. My name is Jeff Besos, but most people call me Mr. Besos because I make all my money from selling stuff at flea markets."

> go to one of Mr Besos flea markets and see what he has in store

You head to one of Mr Besos' flea markets and find it pretty much the same as every other flea market you've been to. There are a few more vendors here than there usually are, but nothing out of the ordinary.

> look deeper, there must be some reason Jeff Besos has so much money and it's not this flea market bull shit

You walk around the flea market for awhile and notice something odd. A lot of the items are priced way above their actual worth. You also notice that there aren't many vendors here, but rather a bunch of middle-aged men who seem to be running everything.

> "hey why is this broken busted toaster priced at $4999?"

Mr Besos smiles and says "That's because it was made by a company called 'Gorilla Toasters'."
You nod and say "Cool, I'll take one of those."

Jeff Besos then proceeds to tell you how he got into the business.


He says he used to work as a clown when he was younger, but after seeing some of the horrible acts these clowns put on, he decided that it wasn't worth it anymore.

> leave Jeff and go home. take apart the toaster piece by piece and look for clues

You decide to leave Jeff Besos alone and go back home. When you get home, you take apart the toaster piece by piece and start looking for clues.
You open up the box and begin poking around inside it.


You poke around until you finally reach the battery compartment where you find a small flashlight.
You turn it on and stare at the tiny light bulb which is glowing dimly. It seems like the batteries are going bad, but they're probably still good enough to run this thing for years.

> break out your radiation detector and realize this thing is highly radioactive

You grab the flashlight and turn it on, but it doesn't give off any heat or light. The battery is dead.
You try turning it off, but the flashlight won't come off. You can barely feel its cold metal surface against your fingers.

> bring the flashlight back to Jeff Besos and say "can you explain THIS" and slam the flashlight down on his gold desk

You stand over Jeff Besos and slam the flashlight down on his desk. He looks at you with an expression of shock.


You continue to hold him hostage saying "I don't know what the hell you want, but if you keep holding me hostage, I'm gonna kill you!

> make him hold the flashlight and gauge his reaction


After about 5 minutes of staring at each other in silence, you hear a loud explosion followed by a bright flash.
The room goes dark and you wake up in bed.

 You slowly sit up and see that the bomb went off while you were sleeping...

> go back to Jeff and tell him you know what's he's done and he won't get away with it

You quickly rush back to Jeff Besos and tell him what happened. He just stares at you blankly, then looks up from his desk and says "Oh no? What did you do?"
 You explain everything to him and he seems surprised that someone would actually believe all this crap.

> pull out your radiation detector and see it go wild in Jeff's office. realize it's not the flashlight that was radioactive but Jeff himself

You pick up the flashlight and examine it closely. The battery has died, but there's still plenty of power left in the flashlight itself.
You put the flashlight back into its box and head back to Jeff Besos' office.


He's still sitting at his desk staring at you.

> put Jeff in a lead coffin and bury him 100 feet in the back of his horse farm

Jeff Besos is a crazy old man who probably needs to be buried in a lead coffin and buried 100 feet deep in the back of his horse farm.
You enter Jeff's office and open up the box containing his body.

> "oh my god!" you exclaim as you see the horse head of your prized horse in the coffin

You turn around and scream "OH MY GOD! It's alive!"
A few people in the crowd look at you like you're nuts. One woman screams for security. Security comes running out of their offices and grabs you before they can hurt you too badly.