You are Moople, a goblin freelance golem sculptor. You have just finished your latest job, a golem crafted out of Elf toenails. After sending it off to the buyer you head to the local watering hole for a bite to eat. After slaughtering a herd of gazelle you're approached by a troll who says he wants you to make him a golem. He tells it must be made of wood and stone. The Troll King is looking for a new advisor as his current one has been unable to keep up with the demands of ruling. an elven material and that you should get started immediately. > You being a hideous goblin, you scrounge through elven dumpsters searching for materials and find 600 pounds of elven fat from a elven liposuction clinic. you begin to sculpt. The Troll is a very large humanoid with a wide mouth and sharp teeth. It has a bulbous body and long arms ending in two clawed hands. The Troll wants all the fat you have, but you tell him it's for a sculpture. The troll does not give a fuck. The troll is very aggressive, but you know he's not going to kill you. You have become very adept at sculpting. After a week of work you present the troll with his sculpture. > You being a hideous goblin, you scrounge through elven dumpsters searching for materials and find 600 pounds of elven fat from a elven liposuction clinic. you begin to sculpt. You've enslaved two young elf girls to help you with your work and you're making great progress. You're running low on elven fat, however, and scrounge through dumpsters to find more.The troll is very pleased with the sculpture and pays you 100 gold coins for it. You look at the golem and notice that it has your face on it. The troll king has a good laugh. > You realize, deep down, you wish you had a child of your own. You desperately want a child, but you haven't the slightest idea on where to begin. You have seen drunk dwarves try and fail. "I guess I'll never have children." > You look around the elf city for a child of your own. The city is filled with trees and nature. It's a sort of paradise for an elf. You've never been to the city, but you're told it's the best place to live in all of Arat. You go to the bar and attempt to hit on some women. After being thrown out of the bar and threatened with a lynching you find that elves are not similar to humans in any way, shape or form. You turn back to the hotel and begin to cry. On the way back to the hotel you pass an orphanage and decide to adopt a child. You return to the hotel, dejected and disappointed. The night clerk asks if you found what you were looking for. You shake your head and say, "No." The clerk asks you, "Looking for an orphan?" You are shocked and surprised at the clerk's uncanny ability of discernment. When you ask how he knows, he simply says: "Everyone wants a child." You get night clerk to have a toast-roasting competition. He wins fair and square. Deciding to return to the hotel, you walk back to the hotel. The clerk asks you, "Looking for an orphan?" The clerk shows you a box behind the counter filled with orphan children. "You can have one of these," he tells you. > You the clerk gives you a consolation prize, a very large Ogre child. The clerk hands you a box with a baby ogre. It is the largest and most vicious child that you have ever seen. You quickly return to your inn, as you do not want to be near the child. The moral of the story: it is best to not want anything in life.
Moople, a goblin freelance golem sculptor
Posted under Episode 286, Story On By Chief