The Moon, out of orbit and exploring space

Posted under Episode 285, Story On By Chief

You are the Moon. You're bored, so you decide to leave Earth behind and start exploring space.

But what happens when you do? What if someone else takes your place as leader of the Guardians? Who will take over?

The Guardians have been through a lot in their short existence.

> You are just walking through the universe when you bump into the Sun who's also sick of earth's shit. You both decide to start a new solar system and you wanna see who's in.
After a few years of exploration, you bump into the Sun who is feeling ill and tired from his travels. He asks for help with something and you agree since he seems like an interesting guy.
The Sun tells you his troubling predicament: the radiation from his core has been building up and if he doesn't release it, he'll explode and take the entire solar system with him.

> You the sun whips out his Sunny D and tells you that the radiation must be sucked out. He screams "I'm gonna blow"
You suck out the sun's radiation and he shouts in ecstasy. After a moment of silence, he realizes that there is no more danger of him exploding anymore. You're glad you could help.
You lean in for a kiss with The Sun. He's a little taken aback but responds. You feel as if the passion he showed when talking about exploding is now being directed towards you.

> You spray moon cheese on the Sun's head.
The Sun looks very confused when you start spraying chunks of moon cheese on his head.
"What the hell is this?" he asks annoyed.
"It's Moon Cheese! Now we can hang out and never die!"
The Sun thinks things are moving too fast between you two and suggests spending time apart and see other planets. You agree, but it's pretty clear where this is headed...
The Sun says his goodbyes and leaves to explore other stars. You decide to open up a shop to sell merchandise from your travels.

> You the Earth visits your shop and has awkward conversation with you.
The Earth visits your shop and has awkward conversation with you.
"Hey, how have you been?"
You respond honestly, "I'm not doing so well, I just broke up with the Sun.
The earth suggests you do something with yourself. "Lets start a band. We need to find a new star!" you exclaim.
"You're funny..." The Earth responds.
"I'm not joking, let's go find a star!" You say.
"F you."
You put your star search on hold and you play your first show with the Earth as the frontman and it's a disaster. No one comes to your shows and you don't know what to write songs about. You decide to blow off the whole thing and go eat some worms.
A lone satellite approaches you after the show and says "I thought you were great" before flying away.
You are ready to give up on your music dream when you have an epiphany...
A famous band once said "F you". A more famous band once said "F you too". Maybe, just maybe you can do better.
You sit down and begin writing a new song...

> You write a long rock ballad about your breakup with the sun.
The Earth comes in to your room and sees you writing a song about breaking up with the Sun, he begins to laugh.
"This song is about the time you fucked an exploding giant?" he asks between laughs.
You kick the Earth out of the band and work on a solo album. Your first song titled: "Our Breakup" is a hit and the Earth comes crawling back apologizing.
You take him back in your band, you don't have many other options at this point anyway.
You become so famous the sun becomes jealous of you and threatens to destroy the Earth.
You decide to play a song at concert on the sun to calm his ever lasting rage.
Your new song is titled: "You're a big gay ball of fire, and you do not have a boyfriend".
The song is a hit and the sun's rage is calmed.
The moral of the story: Music has the power to fix everything!