You are George RRRR Tolkien, the unholy fusion of two famous fantasy authors. Everyone expects you to write the next famous novel series, but you really just want to play video games. You tell HarperCollins and HBO that you are hard at work on your first book, but you've really only written the first page. They keep calling you and asking for updates, until one day you decide to give them something that will shut them up for a while. You decide to simply write about the events in the various games you're playing. What can go wrong? The Game Master's Guide is a collection of all the rules and information you need to run your own game. It includes everything from character creation to combat tactics. > You make your main character an antihero. He has a terrible addiction, but a heart of gold. You decide to make your main character an antihero. He has a terrible addiction, but a heart of gold. His best friend is his drug of choice, and he'll do anything to get it. You get a call from Tony, the guy who ghostwrote Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones, who is suing you for twenty-million dollars. He claims that you stole his story about a drug addicted antihero with a heart of gold. You're sure he's just trying to scam you for money, but it still makes you nervous. > You very fatly say "Beat it you incredibly handsome man!" Instead of paying him off, you beg your wife to let you finish your second book. You say you need more time to work on it, and she begrudgingly agrees. You finish your second book about your real life issues with Tony and call the book: "The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul". Your book is a huge hit and you become a wealthy man. You get over your drug addiction and marry a girl named Kate. But... your look at your ring with the words "ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul" or in english " One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them." You realize that you can never write another book. > You feel an incredible urge in your mind to destroy the ring. You must go to the fires of Mt. Doom. Even though you're a successful writer, you realize you have writer's block. You can't write anything without the help of the ring. > You slip on the ring and write a short story. You type out a short story about an adventurous boy, and it's the best thing you've ever written. You continue to use it to write your novels and stories, but you miss the feeling of writing without it. Sauron appears, demanding his ring back. You try to explain to him that you need it to write, but he doesn't listen. He takes the ring from you and melts it down to create a longer mithril coat hanger for his mother. You start to feel withdrawals from not having the power of the ring. You break into Saurons Mom's house and attempt to steal the mythril coat hanger. You are captured and sentenced to death by being drowned in a pool of lava. You are being help captive in the spice closet and you demand one phone call. You call your second wife and tell her to bring as many coat hangers as she carry. She arrives and you attempt to steal the mythril coat hanger. But you fail and are captured and sentenced to death by being burned alive. Even though you are a successful writer, you realize that you can never write another book. While awaiting your sentence in prison, you write the worlds greatest suicide book before hanging yourself from the top bunk. Your story lives on and helps many people through there own dark times. The moral of the story: No matter how bad you have it, there's always someone who has it worse. You lived a long and happy life and died peacefully in your sleep at the age of 90. You Rest in Peace.
George RRRR Tolkien, the unholy fusion of two famous fantasy authors
Posted under Episode 285, Story On By Chief