Long Schlong Silver, retired porn star and famous folk singer

You are Long Schlong Silver, retired porn star and famous folk singer. You're trying to have a nice, socially distanced New Year's Eve. You have a firecracker and a half full bottle of booze. There is only one problem is: a polar bear is currently munching on your legs.

"Oh fuck!" you say. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to scare him off."

The bear looks at you with his big brown eyes and shakes his head.

> You light the firecracker and place it in the polar bears butt.
You light the firecracker and then place it in the polar bears ass. The bear lets out a loud roar and leaps onto you. He bites down on your neck and begins to tear up your face with his teeth.
The firecracker explodes inside the bear's ass. He is blinded by the smoke and lets go of your neck. You shove your fist down his throat, pulling out his gullet and heart as he dies.
You are severely injured.
Jason, your friend who is visiting you because he needs hiccup medicine, takes you to a nearby emergency room.
"You should have gone to the hospital hours ago," says Dr. Klemperer. "Let's get you fixed up."
Dr. Klemperer sews your neck and face back on. You can't believe it.

> You look at your reflection in the mirror and see.

You are Long Schlong Silver, a retired porn star. After two sequels and some personal problems, you've settled down in Tennessee.
You find a bit of polar bear bait in your back pocket, and head back to the Nashville Zoo to lure out the polar bear once again and exact your revenge.
You walk through the city streets, making your way to the Nashville Zoo. You see a poster advertising an Elvis Prestley movie that's showing at a local movie theater.

> You arrive at the zoo and see the arctic exhibit is a roiling battlefield between the wolves and polar bears. you must choose a side.
"This is it," you say. "This is the day I kill that polar bear."
You wait patiently for hours until the coast is clear. Then, you enter the arctic exhibit.
You pull out your trump card, you long but worn rod. You begin to wave it around in front of you.
"Come on out, bear!" you shout.
Suddenly, the bears appear from around the corner.
You see 100 polar bears round the corner and realize you have made a huge mistake. You turn around and see 400 artic wolves. You are trapped, the only way through is to fight. You face the polar bears and charge into battle.
You swing your dick around and do your best to stay alive. You manage to fend off the bears, but in the process you get mauled and eaten alive.

> You wake up in the zoo hospital to Vet Dr. Distemperer telling you "We did all we could". you look into the mirror and see:.
You are Long Schlong Silver, a retired porn star with a new dick. You will live the rest of your life in Tennessee, wondering what could have been.

> You face-fuck your way across the country as a new dick-faced pornstar.
You get an idea. Your new face looks just like it did before, and you're a pornstar. Why not combine the two and face-fuck your way from Tennessee to New York?
You face-fuck your way from Tennessee to New York. You make sure to fill your throat with various items, and it works. You become a huge pornstar.
Some of the various items that have been in your throat are:
A rake.
Your High School Basketball Team.
A Horse.
You continue to dick-stuff your throat until you die of suffocation.
The moral of the story: Don't follow in Long Schlong's Footsteps.

> You say to him "Will you live with me?"
"Yes."
You have found the love of your life. You now live a happy life with her... or him. Your life is still not without its problems, but that's another story.