Kenny, Kool Aid Man’s Roommate

Posted under Episode 282, Story On By Chief

You are Kenny and you just had the most amazing sex with your new girlfriend Joanna. After a long night of steamy action you both passed out together in bed. This night you had a rather weird dream about having sexual intercourse with Joanna, when the Kool-Aid Man suddenly burst through the wall, yelling "OH YEAH!" and you kept shushing him out of the room multiple times. The next morning you wake up, turn your head to the right and see Joanna still asleep. You notice something moving on your left and as you turn your head you see the Kool-Aid Man lying there in bed with you, having an unsettling grin on his face. He says "I'm so glad you came over today, I've been waiting for this moment my whole life."

The Kool-Aid Man then proceeds to have some sort of conversation with you.

> You the Kood-Aid Man dips a finger into his drink and runs it across your lips.
"So how do you like living here?" The Kool-Aid Man asks.
You say, "Enough chit chat, why are you here Kool-Aid Man? I was trying to have a nice intimate night with my girlfriend and NOT you!"
"I just wanted to see you," The Kool-Aid Man says while stroking Joanna's hair.

> You say "We broke up years ago!"
"I know, and I wasn't mad. I actually respected the fact that you just wanted to be friends. You're a good guy."
"Do you have some sort of beverage fetish or something?"

> You realize that The Kool-Aid is unhinged and is going to snap if you don't help them calm down.
You say, "Get a hold of yourself Kool-Aid Man. You're the Kool-Aid Man damn it, you're flavor and fun personified. You don't do things like... like..."
You say, "Like... like pick up guys... and then break up with them..."
The Kool-Aid Man says, "I just wanted to be friends. I want to be with you.

> You ask "would you like to go get some coffee and talk"?
"Yes, let's go get coffee, and you tell me more about this girlfriend of yours."
You look over at your girlfriend who has yet to wake up.
You have a long talk with the Kool Aid Man at the coffee shop and decide the best thing for everyone would be to have the Kool Aid Man move out so you could move on.
The Kool-Aid Man protests at first but then agrees, he says he wants you to be happy and that he'll be around if you need him.

> You go home and help the Kool-Aid move out. You arrive at home afterwards to see that Joanna is in the arms of Glen Rivers, your old High school Bully who works as a Barista at the coffee shop and it also secretly Having Sex with your girlfriend Joanna.
"He's here to take me away from all this," says Joanna as she runs off with Glen.
You go back to drinking alone and shooting things in the face.

> You start with shooting small things in the face, but soon the thrill fades and you need to shoot bigger things in the face.
The Kool-aid man is drinking alone in a bar when he notices a young man sitting by himself, the Kool-aid man walks over to the young man and sits next to him.
You walk in the bar and see the Kool Aid Man chatting to a younger hotter version of yourself. You explode into a rage fueled whirlwind and lunge at the Kool Aid Man. Your attack is fast and strong, being the furious whirlwind you are.
The Kool-aid man dodges your attacks with cat like reflexes. You never knew he was that quick.

> You attempt to strike the Kool-Aid Man but he stops you with a strong hug. "Shhh" he says as he drips refreshing kool-aid into your open mouth.
You take a moment to collect your thoughts as you realize how strong this man's arms are. This man is a brick shit house and you feel safe in them.
You stop struggling, "Oh"
You hop into the Kool Aid Man's pitcher and thrash about passionately.
"Oh," he says back as he sets you down gently on the floor.
You start to dance with the Kool-aid man, twisting and turning about the dance floor.

> You say "Will you live with me?"
"I can't wait to try out this new dance called the twist with you," says the Kool-aid man. "I'll live with you !"

> You buy a fixer upper with the Kool-Aid Man and spend your free time renovating your dream house together. You lean in for a sweet kiss.
You buy a fixer upper with the Kool-Aid Man and spend your free time renovating your dream house together.
You lean in for a sweet kiss but the Kool-Aid man pulls away.
"I'm sorry, I have to go," he says.
You stand there speechless as the Kool-aid man hops back into his pitcher and rolls away.
You look down at a note the Kool Aid Man handed you, it's your diabetes testing kit that says you are positive for diabetes.
You look back and forth with tears streaming down your face as the Kool-aid pitcher disappears into the distance.

> You live to the ripe age of 45 where you die of sugarfoot.
You had a nice life, don't worry about it.
The moral of the story: Don't drink expired kool-aid.