Clumboocha, the ultimate lifeform

Posted under Episode 282, Story On By Chief

You are Clumboocha, the ultimate lifeform. You wake up early because you have a busy day ahead of you. You must accomplish the following 10 tasks:

1) Eat all the food in your house and then go out to find something else to eat.

2) Go outside and get into the most dangerous position possible.

3) Get on the roof of your house and look down at the city below.

4) Go to the bathroom and pee. This is important!

5) Go back inside and put on some clothes.

6) Take a shower and wash off any soap residue left by the previous task. (This one's easy! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

7) Go back outside and this time go down the street to where that human lives. Just one.

8) Go back inside and eat some delicious food.

9) Go back outside and find a warm place to sleep.

10) Wake up to a new day full of exciting possibility!

> You decide to get as many things done as quickly as possible. you decide to pee and get dressed in the shower.
You pee and get dressed in the shower, all in about 2 minutes. You think you did a pretty good job because you got it on the first try.
You open the cupboards and see you have no food, task 1 complete! You go outside and head down the street to visit your one human neighbor whose name is "Bill".
You get to the street and see a car coming. You stand in the middle and see if it will...
You dodged it! Now what...
You contact Man E. quin, the Mayor of the city full of Mannequins, and file a complaint that too many drunk drivers make your neighborhood unsafe.
You fall asleep watching a movie.
Now it's 5:00pm, you woke up 1 hour ago. What's next?

> You decide to a warm place to sleep would be your neighbor Bill. You know humans are warm on the inside.
You go to the living room and hop on the couch. You grab a pillow and lay your head down. You drift off to sleep and have a wonderful dream about a land of chairs...
You wake and go outside to get in the most dangerous position possible. You hear a car heading your way, you close your eyes and lay down in the middle of the street. The car stops just before hitting you and the passenger window rolls down....
"Did you really think you could fool me? I'm no idiot," says a familiar voice.

> You gaze up to see the familiar voice is.
"What's a mannequin doing driving a car?" you ask.
It's Lena the Life-Size Mannequin!

> You ask to see Lena driver's license and proof of insurance.
Mannequins can't drive! Or can they...
"Driver's license and proof of insurance," you demand.
"Don't need it. I'm driving a friend's car," she answers.

> You look in the back seat to see a bloody fingerprint on the window. You yell "AIPD MOTHERFUCKER!"
The AIPD breaks through the passenger window and spooks out all the people in the car. It runs away while people scream "WAIT IT WAS A DELIBERATE THEFT!"
You realize this act of justice has been seed necessary for your next stage of life. You begin to transform into a vigilante, starting with...
A new look!
You walk around the city looking for a nice hat. You see a man with a nice black and white hat, but he turns before you can say anything.
You level up and gain the following vigilante skills:
Weapon Specialist: Hands
Vigilante: Visionary
You put on the hat and realize it has a mask built in. Nobody can recognize you now! You walk around the city to find criminals...
You see a mannequin jay walking and run to arrest him.
"You have twenty-four hours to move out of this city," you say.
"Why should I have to leave?" he says.
The mannequin refuses your request, continues to jay walk, and resists arrest. You...

A) Shoot him with a gun.
B) Punch him.
C) Ignore him and walk away.
You punch him. He falls over and splits into two pieces.
"What the fuck?" the man says as he looks at the pieces of the mannequin on the floor. You take off your hat and...

A) Blame the wind.
B) Laugh maniacally.
You maniacally laugh. The man doesn't realize you're the one who did it. He calls the police and...
A) You get arrested.
B) You successfully bribe the police.
You bribe the police and the man doesn't do anything. You buy a bus ticket out of the city that night.
The moral of the story: ALWAYS bribe the police.