You are Santa Claus, a magical gift-giver famous the world over. You are making your annual Christmas Eve trip when your sleigh's navigation system begins acting strange. A quick diagnostic scan reveals that the entire system has been infected by a sentient computer virus! Struggling with the controls, you manage to land your sleigh on the roof of AIPD Headquarters. You meet with your friends Tony, Cory, Jim, and Jason who are working the holiday out of the goodness of their hearts. They inspect your sleigh and come to a unanimous conclusion. This is no ordinary virus! It is so complex that it can only be removed manually. The five of you must digitize yourselves into the sleigh's mainframe and embark on an adventure to save Christmas! The Sleigh That Sailed Through Space: The first part of this game is a simple arcade shoot 'em up. The first thing you see when you are digitized is Cory Jeldman, recent Harvard University graduate who has just been Hired by you as a Chirstmas Law Lawyer but he keeps on making the Women Elves Wet. "I'm not going to be able to do my job!" he says. "It's too hot in here." This is followed by the rest of the characters appearing and saying similar things. You roll your eyes at all the complaining and turn on the mainframe fan. You thought all the elves liked to blow air. Perhaps elves have different standards of comfort than humans. You consider turning the fan off, but decide that the humans need it more. > You gather everyone to cast a vote on whether to turn on the mainframe fan or not. "Alright, elves!" you say, clapping your hands for attention. "Let's vote on whether or not to turn on the fan." Everyone seems to react strongly to this idea. Everyone unanimously decides to turn on the fan and keep it on during work hours. You destroy the fan. Your fans start to complain about the heat, but you tell them that they're just going to have to get over it. They grumble as they return to work. "It'll be fine," says Cory. You look around the mainframe for anomalies, you see a big green blob has taken over the CPU. You have to defeat it before you can save Christmas. Later that night, you all gather around the mainframe and destroy the blob. "It's just one big piece of malware," says Jim. Jim begins to overheat and removes his jumpsuit. The blobs begin to stir. "It's back!" yells a voice. The CPU begins to fill with green blobs again. "Let's get out of here," says Jim, pulling up his jumpsuit. You see the blob start to transform into a chaos virus in the shape of a snake. "Everyone, calm down and leave everything to me," says Jim. "This is what I was hired for." You and the elves, calmed by Jim's assertiveness, sit back down. Jim uses his assertiveness to seduce the chaos virus. He begins by removing his jumpsuit and flexing his biceps. The virus seems to fall for it, as it stops advancing and starts spiraling around Jim's arm. It then winds itself around his bicep, much like an armband. Jim flexes his hot and sticky bicep while Santa grabs a trash bag to capture the blob in. The elves and you look on in bewilderment as Jim's hotness attracts the blob out of the computer and into the trash bag, where it is disposed of properly. You rematerialize outside of the computer and give Jim a big ol' present. Jim unwraps and sees that it is a brand new vacuum cleaner. "You're hired, Jim," you say. "Everyone give him a pat on the back!" Everyone pats Jim on the back, including you. Jim hops on the back of your sleigh and flexes all night long as you deliver presents. The elves like you and give you all a big present. You open it and find a magic wand. You wave the wand over the pile of gifts, and they are all transported to the children's houses. You use the wand and get lazy and gain 600 lbs from eating milk and cookies all year round. When the next year rolls around, you hire a replacement to do all the work and you just wave your wand and create presents for everyone! The moral of the story: Elves are magical creatures and should be treated as such.
Santa Claus, a magical gift-giver famous the world over
Posted under Episode 280, Story On By Chief