Jason, a guy who has big expectations for Christmas

Posted under Episode 280, Story On By Chief

You are Jason, a guy who has big expectations for Christmas. You walk up to your friends, Tony, Jim and Cory, and say, "I hope you guys got me good presents instead of just a bunch of butter crap." Your friends start looking nervous. Cory said, "I thought you loved butter." You reply, "I do, but I'm tired of it. I need variety." Tony sighs and whispers to Jim, "Keep Jason busy while Cory and I get Jason new presents." Jim nods.

You spend the rest of the day in the basement with your friends, playing games and having fun. The next morning, you wake up early to go to school.

> You find a horse on your front lawn. Jim, Tony, and Corey and standing next to it and say "Merry Christmas, here is your presnt! It's a live horse!"
You all stand around the horse and say, "Here is your presnt! It's a live horse!" Jim says, "What? We don't have any horses.
Jim gives you The Sleigh that Flew Through Time and Fat man, a Morbidly obese man who fights crime by crushing Criminals with his bodyweight, steps out of the sleigh to greet you. He says, "Hello, Master. It appears that you have summoned me."

> You demand Fat man lead you to butter.
Fat man says, "Yes, yes. We'll get to the butter soon enough." He turns to Jim and says, "I have some tools you can use to break into your school to steal test answers.
You suspect Fat Man is helping you by doing unsavory deeds. Still, you need answers to tests.
You want to test Fat Mans abilities, so you wind up a punch and hit him directly in the stomach. You retract your fist and see it is covered in butter that has exploded out of his pores. He looks down and says, "Oh, sorry about that," and wipes it off.
You break into to the school with Fat Man and friends and find the test answers. Suddenly all the lights flick on and you hear over the PA a mysterious voice say, "Jason..." You look around and realize it is the voice of your nemesis, The Lunch Lady.

> You run to the classroom to find the test answers before The Lunch Lady catches you.
You run into the classroom and find Jim. He says, "Dude, you were supposed to get the answers. I got a D because I had no idea what part of the chicken a liver was in."
You sneak your forgotten homework assignments into your teacher desk just as the Lunch Lady finds you and catches you red handed.
She says, "You have disappointed me, Jason." She then spanks you until your bottom is red.
Jim vomits in disgust.
You get an F on your homework and are grounded for a month. All you can think about is trying to get back at the Lunch Lady.
You call up the Fat Man and ask why he disappeared on you that night. You ask the Fat Man to get rid of the Lunch Lady.
"I don't do that kind of business. That's much too violent for me." He says.
You think about what to do. Then you get an idea.
You walk into the Lunch Lady's kitchen and summon the Kool Aid Man who bursts through the wall, covering the Lunch Lady in rubble. The Kool Aid Man yells, "Oh yeah!" and you yell, "Now!"
You, the Fat Man, and all the misfits of the class jump on her and attack.
The police come and ask what happened.
You all lie and say that she attacked you and that you were just defending yourself. They believe you and the police take her away in handcuffs. You all cheer victory.
You graduate to high school and are happier than ever. The end.
The moral of the story: high school is Hell.
You had a 1 in 64 chance of achieving the above ending.