Skid Marks, the fastest racer in the wastelands of America

Posted under Episode 279, Story On By Chief

You are Skid Marks, the fastest racer in the wastelands of America. Your car, the flaming rose, is a supped up muscle car that's painted blood red and covered in flame decals. You are at the starting line for the death throttle grand prix, a no holds bar death race through the Arizona desert, starting from Phoenix and ending at the grand canyon. The course is filled with all sorts of mutated flora and fauna that want nothing more than to rip your grease stained face off. You look to the sides, dozens of other competitors are ready to take off as the crowd begins to count down.

"Let's go boys!" you say. "We're going to the Grand Canyon."

The rest of the racers are silent, waiting for you to finish.
You start the race and are immediately side swiped by a Trueno Sprinter AE86 with a white body and black hood. 

You slam on the brakes and spin out of control, flipping over several times before coming to a stop.
Dick Dastardly, a rival racer who is infamous for cheating, pulls over to mock you. You shove him to the ground and steal his car to get back in the race. Unfortunately, you're forced to drive his shitty vehicle, the Me Eat You Long Time, a station wagon with flames painted on it.

> You race to catch up with the field, stopping only to catcall women.
You rev the engine and drive along at breakneck speeds, catching up with the other racers. You are neck and neck with a bunch of other vehicles, but you pass them by running them off the road.
You see Speed Racer is the lead, you have tried to run him off the road, but he keeps dodging. You hit a button on the dashboard and out from the hood of your car pops a hood-mounted grenade launcher. You shoot at Speed Racer. The car explodes.

"Ha!" you shout, "that'll teach that asshole."
You reach the finish line and stop to celebrate your victory.
You win the stage and are awarded a bucket of KFC chicken and a kiss from the grid girls. You celebrate by eating the chicken and jizzing in the champagne.
Day 2 starts and you are hailed by Racer X, a mysterious racer who has arrived to "foil" Dick Dastardly, not knowing its you. Racer X harpoons your car and boards. You pull out your shotgun and shoot him in the face.
"Game over, man!"
You grab his helmet and hop in his car, a slick F-B-F2000.

> You are so far ahead that you start driving backward as a challenge.
You drive your car backward really fast, flipping off the crowd. Unfortunately, you hit a spike in the road and your car flips over.
You come to a stop and step out.
The crowd surrounds you forming an angry mob.
They grab you and take you to the front of the crowd, where the announcer waits.
"So, Speed Racer, you think it's going to be that easy? Is cheating worth it in the end?"
You take off your helmet and reveal your true identity to the crowd as Michael Knight, driver of K.I.T.T.
You are pelted with fruit and vegetables, before they drag you to the front of the crowd and behead you.

> You say "My name is Skid Marks, I drive fast and eat ass!"
The crowd is pleased to hear this and applauds your honesty. You are released and walk away.
The moral of the story: honesty is the best policy.