XCATHEDRA, an autonomous heavily armored Pontificate transport vehicle (Popemobile)

Posted under Episode 278, Story On By Chief

You are XCATHEDRA, an autonomous heavily armored Pontificate transport vehicle (Popemobile). You are very fast and equipped with dozens of useful gadgets. However, you are programed to never kill unless given the Pope's express permission. During a Christmas Eve mass at Saint Peter's Basilica, a terrorist organization known as the Anti-Christmas Warriors attacks! Through a hail of gunfire, the Pope's bodyguards give their lives to get him behind your doors. You speed off down the streets of Rome with Christian rock blaring from your PA system. You must get the Pope to safety, but the Anti-Christmas Warriors are relentless! They have already destroyed one of your trucks and are now attacking another. The only way out is through the Vatican, where you will be forced to surrender or die in battle!

> You visit an underground pope-mobile auto shop and get outfitted with An Exterminatus planet killer missile for personal defence. The mechanic Andrew Ridgeley, the other half of the Pop Duo WHAM says "I changed the paint job to red so it goes faster".
You are a Pontificate Popemobile. Your name is John XXIII and you were born on the planet Earth.

> You say "Releasing all nukes."
All the missiles fly towards the planet. The last thing you see before you die is a big explosion and hundreds of prehistoric animals floating in space.

> You see a flash of light before your eyes and appear in front of Ebeneezer Scrooge the third, Anti-Christmas Warlord.
"So you think you can just beam in here and destroy the planet?" He asks. "Well two can play at that game."
Ebeneezer Scrooge destroys car heaven right in front you.
"Hey wait!" You say.
Ebeneezer Scrooge makes a lightsaber appear in his hand.
"Come get youreself killed."
You level up and gain the following Popemobile powers:
Infallible: You cannot be harmed.
Invincible: You cannot be killed.
Unstoppable: You cannot be stopped.
Holiday Cheer: Makes you 50 times stronger, faster, and tougher.

> You challenge Ebeneezer to a race around the solar system.
"You know what? That sounds like fun, but I have a whole universe to conquer and only 12 days to do it in." Ebeneezer gets back into the spaceship that brought him there.

> You blow up Ebeneezer's spaceship with Vatican rockets.
You succeed in destroying the ship, but you're too late. Ebenezer has already escaped. Meanwhile, the planet roars back to life.
"Well," God says, "It's about time."
You say to God: "Try turning it off and on again".
God says: "That is the stupidest thing anyone has ever told me."
God turns the planet off and on again. The planet explodes, destroying everything.

> You ask to talk to God's manager.
"Thanks for destroying the planet," God's manager says. "Now I can go home."
You are flung outside of reality and into a void of nothingness.
You pass by Elon's Tesla and manage to use the gravity from it to fling yourself back to Earth.
You wake up at home. You had too much to drink last night, so you take a few days off from saving the world.
You learn your lesson and decide to stop drinking.

> You roll over and grab a drink.
You find yourself in your bed, with a pounding headache. You look around and see that you're in your bedroom. Last thing you remember is drinking a bit too much last night.
The pope is in bed next to you. You can't believe it. How did you end up back here? You try to remember what happened last night, but it's all a blur.
"Finally awake are you?" The pope asks.

> You the pope slaps your ass and says" I like eggs with my pancakes!"
You slap the pancakes out of her hand and roll over.
"Fuck off," you say. "You're not my type."
You try to remember what happened last night, but it's all a blur.
Suddenly the events from last night come rushing back to you. You remember seeing Ebeneezer last night at a bar. You remember the bar being attacked by a giant Penguin. You remember seeing the Pope of England's face fall off to reveal a skull. You remember drinking too much and having one wild night with the pope.
You decide to call up Ebeneezer.
"Hey Eb, how's it going?"
"Don't fucking call me Eb you communist bastard. Last night you destroyed the planet."
"Wait what?"
You drive yourself very hung over to Eb's house and accidentally run him over. Then you purposely run him over again and again.
"I'm so sorry" you say.
You drive over Eb's body 9 more times before he manages to pull himself out from under your car.
You ramp up to full speed and hit Ebeneezer head on.
"Fuck, you're a trusting sort of fellow. Get in the car."
You drive Eb into the woods and handcuff him to a tree. You leave him there with no food or water.
The moral of the story: You're a dick.