Santa Claus, a Space Marine for the Imperium of Man

Posted under Episode 278, Story On By Chief

You are Santa Claus, a Space Marine for the Imperium of Man. Your whole purpose in life is to destroy the enemies of the Emperor and give out presents. The red and white mantle over your armor has been bathed in the blood of many foes. You have a large suit of power armor, a chainsword, a Bolter and a large gift bag full of presents. Your drop pod crashes into the planet and you charge forward, a merry ""Ho! Ho! Ho!"" on your lips. You pull a present from your bag and your Bolter from your hip, and then you blow out the candles with one blast of flame. You rip open the package and reveal a small, shiny object wrapped in paper inside. It's an Ork War Gun!

> You give the Ork War Gun to a child Ork. You say "Merry Christmas!"
The boy looks at you with wide eyes as he takes the gun. He holds it close to his chest and says "Merry Christmas." Then he runs off to play with other children.

> You suddenly, you see Tony, a guy who abducted his friends as revenge for them not getting him Sister Act 2 last Christmas.
"Hello," he says in a bored tone.
"Hello," you reply.
You look at him, trying to see if he's up to anything. He looks back, looking equally suspicious of you.

> You reach deep into your sack of Yule and give Tony a large gift.
You pull out a large gift-wrapped box. You slowly hand it to him. He takes it, a look of surprise and wonder on his face.
Tony unwraps it and cheers in holiday wonderment, he pulls out from the large box a big, beautiful doll, the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, as bright as the sun, and as big as he is. He hugs it close and it's almost like he's hugging you.

> You tony leans in to kiss the doll.
He leans in slowly, pressing his lips against the doll's cheek. Then, he pulls away and jumps onto a train of cargo-wagons.
"Thanks, Mr.Claus," he yells.

> You as the train passes you are stopped by Dah Greench, Ork Warboss and herald of Toothmas, a holiday where Orks give teeth for gifts to spread the holiday WAHHHHH! He says to you "WAGHHHHHHH!!!"
You look over at the Warboss. He stares at you.
You hand him a small present and he nonchalantly opens it to reveal a small, thin cigar. He licks it and stuffs it into his mouth, sitting down on the ground.
"WAAAGGGHHH!!!" he yells, sparks flying from his mouth.
your Gift-giving is interrupted by the landing of an Eldar ship, you reveal your troubled past with the Eldar to Dah Greench.
"WAAAAGH!!" he says, confused.
"We gotta fight," you say, brandishing your Chainsword of Penetrating Purity.
You come across a StarCraft space marine.  Do you work with him or kill him?
You say, "Eldar, friend of foe?" The Space Marine responds, "Foe." You hand him a medium sized present and he responds, "It's about god damn time!" He unwraps the present to reveal a sleek, black bolter. He attempts to heft it but finds it too heavy. He tosses it aside and pulls out his own bolter, shooting you with it.
The eldar land and begin to hand out boring carved wraithbone bricks. The orcs refuse to take them and begin fighting the Eldar. You attempt to negotiate with both sides but everyone ignores you.
"What do you want for Christmas?" the space marine asks, bolter in hand.

> You pull out a huge present from your bag for yourself and open it to reveal.
You pull out a large metal canister. You open it, revealing several small vials of a clear liquid.
"What is it?" Primus asks, hovering above you.
"Genesense," you say. "It's a cure to the terrible disease that's killing the Uwais tribe. I heard about it in my journeys to the west, and decided to bring some back for them."
you spike the Uwais water supply with the Genesense. They quickly begin to recover, and over the next few days their health rapidly improves. Soon, they're all healthy once more, and they enjoy a huge feast to celebrate.
The moral of the story: someone other than the Uwais need to do the cooking.