Jason Artificial vs Jason Bourne

You are Jason Artificial, an officer working for the Detroit AI (Dungeon) Police Department) (DAIPD/D' ""Aped""). You are watching the news, when suddenly, along the bottom of the announcements area, you see "BREAKING NEWS:" and then nothing. Presuming it to be a glitch, you see the news anchor appear on screen, and as he looks up from his papers, he exclaims with horror, "Oh my god! Jimsus Christ, it's Jason Bourne!"
In the room next to you, Al CaTone is spanking on his fancy new Russian Blue typewriter (coincidentally made in Russia, NOT China.) Behind you, rolling up a fat stack of chewing gum (How it feels to chew 5 gum) is your colleague Cory Dah Sims (NOT Corey Simms). Jimsus Christ is in the toilet bowl, using his feet as plungers to clear the shit piles. It simply wont flush. WHO DO YOU VISIT FIRST YOU MANIAC?
The only thing that could make this worse would be if you both were simultaneously attacked by the same person or persons. The choice is yours...

> You jason Bourne crawls out of the toilet.
You crawl out of the toilet, and head back into the living room where you find that Cory Dah Sims has already left.

You sit down at your computer, and type in "Jason Bourne".
You see a long list of search results:
You see a website called "Wikipedia". You press "enter", and see the following:
Bourne is a main character in the Bourne series of novels created by novelist Robert Ludlum.

> You continue reading the article until you find his weakness:.
In the novels, Jason was born in 1960 and grew up in New York City.
His father, Richard Walker, a talented CIA assassin and an OSS veteran, taught his son well.
You find the VA hospital where Jason Bourne's father is and beat him up until Jason Bourne shows up.
The only weakness that you can find on him is his father.
You decide to take revenge for the death of your friends by spanking the old man with a baguette.

> You put Richard Walker over your knee and spank him with a baguette while shouting, "Who wants fresh bread?" You tape the spanking and send to Jason Bourne.

You rush to New York City and begin your hunt for this man whilst brutally spanking an old man with a baguette.
"WHO WANTS FRESH BREAD?!"
the crowd is cheering as you whip Richard with your hard baguette, but Tommy, an old soldier with PTSD from ordering too many breadsticks at Olive Garden, sees you and cracks at the site of the baguette.
He opens fire on your position, and a bullet whizzes past your head. You duck as the baguette flies out of your hand.
It's now or never.
You use Robert Bourne as a human shield and then you see the sniper on the roof is Jason Bourne. He nods. The bullet whizzes past your ear. It's too close for you.

> You spank Richard Walker and demand he make his son stop!
You spank the old man and tell him to make his son stop.
The old man smacks his head into your temple. You fall to the ground, brain damaged beyond repair.
You roll over and pull out your high powered baguette rifle shooting highly accurate baguettes. You should Robert and Jason right between the eyes with 1 baguette.
The baguette flies and then hits a statue of an old man and turns to stone.
You hear laughter and you see it's not Robert or Jason but another old man.
"Who are you?"
"My name is Rupert."
You read his shirt.
"Who are you? Where am I?"
"You're at the Olive Garden in New York City and my name is Rupert."
"What's happening?"
you ask for extra breadsticks.
"You're crazy."
He mumbles as the cops rush in.
"Cory, stop being mean to the old man and explain to him what's happening to him!
You turn and see Cory is sitting next to you. Cory breaks down in tears and finally tells the truth:
"It was a dare! A friend dared me to pretend there was a person named Jason Bourne and make you think he's going to kill you and then call a SWAT team in and laugh."
Your nose begins to bleed into the breadsticks from the brain damage.
You are rushed to the hospital, where you stay for two months.
You have a brain injury and lose all your memory from age 10-15.
You end up in the same VA hospital where you visited Richard Walker. One day a man knocks on your door. He enters, and he's holding a baguette...
You recognize him as one of the men who attempted to kill you in Kansas!
He holds up a baguette and asks if you want some fresh bread.
You graciously accept.
The man overpowers you and begins to spank you with the bread. You realize that this is Jason Bourne.
"Who wants fresh bread?"
He spanks you until you're unconscious.
You are found the next morning, dead from blunt force trauma to the head.
The moral of the story: Don't accept bread from strange men.