Laser Santa, a being from the laser dimension

Posted under Episode 275, Story On By Chief

You are Laser Santa, a being from the laser dimension. You find yourself on Earth, in the middle of the Christmas season. People flock to you in hopes of getting a picture or a hug, but as soon as they get close they begin to get burned. You try to get a long with people but they all run away. One day a man in a lab coat approaches you, "I'm Dr. Reindrob, nice to meet you." he says. "What's your name?" you ask. He looks at his watch and answers, "It's about time I got around to asking that question.

> You explain your problem to Dr. Reindrob.
"My name is Laser Santa, I live in the laser dimension. My job is to bring joy to everyone! But my lasers just keep burning people!"
Dr. Reiderb smiles and nods his head, "That's a great story." You frown, did no one care that you were actually in trouble? Then Dr. Reinderb continues, "But it's not true. You're really in a coma and you need psychiatric help. I'm your doctor, I created the Laser Santa story so that you would play along and get better."

> You say "then how have I been burning people?" Dr. Reindrob answers "your name is Joe Mongolia, Laser tag Champion and part time superhero."
"But I was never a superhero," you protest, but Dr. Reindrob ignores you and continues.
Suddenly, a crouching, naked Laser Rodney Beefsteak appears in a flash of light.  "I'm from the future," he says in an ominous voice. "In four hours, Dr. Reindrob will release the virus that will wipe out humanity! You must stop him!"
You level up and gain the following laser related powers:
Holy Laser Flare: Two divine laser beams shoot out of your eyes and burn the wicked.
Condensed Christmas Spirit: You realize that your purpose is to bring joy to humanity.
You fire your holy laser flare at Dr Reindrob. You had expected it to burn through his heart like in the movies, but instead he just kind of glows a little and then stops what he is doing. "I don't think that Worked," You say.

> You coat Dr. Reindrob in your Condensed Christmas Spirit. The joy is seeping into his every fiber.
Dr. Reindrob begins to levitate, his eyes roll into the back of his head, and he begins to shake. He screams "I'm coming to join you my love!" Then he explodes.
Laser Rodney Beefsteak tells you that wasn't the real Dr. Reindrob but a clone.  You have saved the world.
You and Laser Rodney Beefsteak do experiments on each other to work on a cure for your laser bodies.
In the meantime you become very popular with the ladies.

> You work on several new skins to contain your laserness. The top 10 results are:.
10. A container of water
9. A Super Soaker
8. A Bunch of Grapes
7. An Ostrich Egg (They're the largest bird eggs on record!)
6. An Aircraft Hanger
5. The Ozone Layer (It's a dense layer of ozone gas, it should muffle your laser sounds!)
4. A Hot Air Balloon
3. A Bike Pump
2. Another Earth (If you can find a place to put it)
1. A condom (They're cheap, easy to use, and effective!)
"Condoms," you say, "There's no reason not to!"
"Great idea!" says the Doctor, "Time for some laser sex." He puts on the condom and begins to have laser sex with you.
The condom breaks and you make awkward eye contact with the doctor
"You're pregnant."
The end.
You have won the game!

> You give birth to a half-laser, half-beefsteak son.
He becomes a singer during the 80's. His biggest hit is "Like a halibut, baby!" The entire audience is on ecstasy while he sings about fish to a bunch of people that are also on ecstasy.
The moral of the story: Ecstasy is bad for you.
You have won the game!
I'm so proud of you. You've been through a lot, and you've made it out alive.