Sven Svenson, a normal person expecting a normal December day

Posted under Episode 274, Story On By Chief

You are Sven Svenson, a normal person expecting a normal December day. You go through today's mail and find a very curious greeting card. It shows a cat in a Santa costume with the words ""Meowry Catsmas"" in bold letters above it. No other text or indication on who has sent it.
You open your next piece of mail, and this one also includes the phrase ""Meowry Catsmas"". In fact all of your normal and junk mail does.
You decide to ignore this and leave the house to get to work. There is a cat sitting in your front lawn, staring at you. 
You look around and see several more cats in the street, on the fence and even on your roof, all staring at you and following your movements until you get in your car and drive away.

The drive calms you down at first, as you dismiss the events from this morning as coincidences, until you notice most of the towns Christmas decorations have been replaced by cat effigies. You glance in your back mirror and, to your horror, see that you are wearing a pair of cat ears on your head. You slam on the brakes to stop the car, and then you realize what just happened.

As you pull out of town, the driver's door opens up and a small black cat leaps onto your lap.
You lean in for a kiss.

You turn around and run back inside the house. The cat jumps off your lap and runs into the kitchen where it sees you standing there.
You decide to talk to the cat. You ask the cat what its name is...
"I'm sorry, but I can't keep you." 
"Why not?

> You say "I'm allergic."
"Then why did you pick me up in the first place?"
"I dunno, I guess I felt sorry for you."
"Shame on you!" 
The cat's ears droop.

> You beg the cat to remove the shame spell on you.
"Please remove the shame spell on me."
"I'm a witch, not a miracle worker," 
You look at the cat and see that she's wearing a black dress with a pointy hat.
Socks tells you 10 reasons why cats will take over the world:
1. No claws 
2. They're cute 
3. They can get into boxes 
4. People feed them... and other cats! 
5. They can find their way home (even if they don't want to go there anymore) 
6. They have 9 lives 
7. They can land on their feet 
8. They are fluffy 
9. They're good secret agents 
10. They are just so adorable 
You wonder if this is really happening or if this is all a dream...
"This isn't a dream!" 
Socks pulls out her wand and casts a spell on you.
You ask what spell did you cast and Socks tells your that you have gained the following powers:
1. The ability to turn into a cat 
2. The ability to understand what cats are saying 
3. The ability to speak with cats 
4. The ability to hear what other people are saying about you 
You turn back into a human again and Socks tells you these powers will last until the next full moon.
Socks is interrupted by ALF, who comes to our rescue to eat all the cats.
"What are you doing?!?" 
"ALF is an eating machine! All he wants to do is eat cats!" 
"But human flesh too."

> You decide the humane to do is shoot ALF with the gun from the previous story.
You run over to the gun and pick it up. You aim it at ALF, who has now quickly left the house.

> You chase ALF outside and fire off a shot, but it only grazes him.
It is not enough to kill him. ALF turns around and punches you in the face. He then throws you into the air. You fly at a high speed and smash through your car's windshield.

> You remember the car keys in your pocket so you start the car and run down ALF.
The car starts up with a roar and you reverse it at full speed. You manage to hit ALF. He cries in pain as the car runs him over and slowly grinds him into the ground.

> You reverse and drive over ALF several times.
You continue to run over ALF with your car until the car runs out of gas. You get out and see that you have crushed ALF into a fine pink paste.

> You several cats run over to enjoy the ALF spag bol.
You sit back and relax in your smashed up car.
As you watching the cats eat the pink paste, Mauser, a cat from the royal a-cat-demy, thanks you for saving the cats from ALF and helping their takeover of the world.
"I will make sure that your name goes down in history." Mauser says.
The moral of the story: ALF is still a dick.