Kyros, a homeless man who just found a gun

Posted under Episode 274, Story On By Chief

You are Kyros, a homeless man who just found a gun. You're not sure what to do with it yet, but you know that if you don't use this weapon then someone else is going to get their hands on one and kill somebody very important.

> You think of a way to use this weapon.
"I'm thinking I'll use this as a distraction."

Kyros nods in agreement. "Very well, let's go!"

> You cant help but notice that other people have stuff, and you have a gun. You decide to show everyone your gun while you ask for money.
"Good," Kyros replies. "Now we're getting somewhere. Show everyone the gun while you ask for money. I'll stand back here, out of sight, and wait. Just shout if you need my help."

> You hide behind some trash cans and wait for Adam Jones, a lizardman in a skin suit to walk by.
You step out from behind the trash cans, your gun in full view. "Give me all your money," you demand.
"Are you fucking serious?" he asks in mid-slur.
Adam Jones hands you a mystery button and you press it as he runs for his life. You drop the button and realize it's the 'Get Drunk' button. You shrug as you pocket the coin he gave you. Kyros steps out from his hiding place and nods.

> You inspect the coin and see something special.

You hand drops slowly as you realize what the button does. Kyros pats you on the shoulder, and begins walking back to the slums. "Come on," he says.

> You walk back to your cave in the slums.
You wake up the next day, still in your suit. The gun rests under your dirty blankets, still ready for use at a moment's notice. You stand up, and walk to the edge of the cave.

> You look out on your kingdom of filth and see the following 10 filthy wonders:.
A pile of trash two stories high.
A machine that produces out of date food that only hobos and starving artists can appreciate.
A car that has been turned into a house.
Middle-class Tony, a guy who robs the lower-class so he can compete with his rival, Rich Jason, walks through the underpass you live in and asks you for money.
You hand him a coin from the day before, he thanks you and walks away.
A forest of shopping carts.
A house of 1000 hobos.

> You enter the forest of shopping carts.
"AHHHH! MY EYES! MY EYES!" screams a hobosexual as you accidentally walk in on him and his boyfriend in the forest of shopping carts. "YOU'VE blindED US, YOU MONSTER!"

> You press the button to get the hobos drunk.
The hobosexuals pass out, and you steal their booze and gold teeth. Kyros appears from behind a corner and nods in approval.
You following the trail of shopping carts to the land of CART CO and are greeted by the shopping cart goblin who prevents you from entering.
He tells you to come back with a cart or you'll be turned into goblin gold.
You decide to kill the goblin and take what's yours.
Hobosexuals begin waking up and start screaming.
You tell hobosexuals this riddle:
"What's red and smells like paint, is in every corner and is the strongest material known to man?"
You hear curses and insults from the hobosexuals as they fail to answer correctly.

> You straighten your suit and point your gun at them.
"One more sound and I fill you all with lead," you say.
The hobosexuals shut up and let you through to the mountain of trash.

> You scale the mountain of trash and on the way meet an ancient garbage troll.
"I haven't seen a human in decades," the troll says. "And one so young, no less!"
You are flattered and show the garbage troll your gun and button.
"Do you think Kyros is the one who will free us from this trash heap?" the troll asks.
You nod and lean in for a kiss with the troll. The troll grabs you with his powerful arms and lifts you into the air.
"I've been starved of love for decades. You will not leave until I have my fill!"
After hours and hours of being rammed and slammed, you hear the troll exclaim, "You are having my children now!" You give birth to a beautiful troll son and name him Complains About Trash.
You push your way to the top of the mountain of trash and see the outside world.
You hold your newborn in the air so all the hobosexuals can see him. "Long live Kyros. Long live freedom!" you say.
The moral of the story: Communism will never work because someone has to clean up all the trash.