Grug O’malley, the interior decorator for the most vicious Viking warlord in the land

Posted under Episode 273, Story On By Chief

You are Grug O'malley, the interior decorator for the most vicious Viking warlord in the land. Lately, your master has been demanding more and more ridiculous decor. Everything must be made of human bones, preferably skulls. Everything must have as much gold and gems and blood as possible. Worst yet, the Viking warlord has made the following six decoration demands for the Christmas season:

1) A giant skeleton on a silver platter. This is to adorn the head table of the dining hall. It will be placed at the center of the table with a skull on top. The platter can only contain one thing, but it should not be missed.

2) A Blood Eagle torture ritual on a silver platter. This must be done with a silver platter, as it is to adorn the head table of the dining hall. It is to be placed at the center of the table with a skull on top. The platter can only contain one thing, but it should not be missed.

3) The twelve Christmas geese stuffed with human testicles.

4) The twelve Christmas geese stuffed with human babies.

5) The twelve Christmas geese stuffed with precious gems and metals.

6) The twelve Christmas geese stuffed with gilded cow manure.

You are not allowed to bring real geese into the house, as your master is deathly allergic to their feathers.

> You head to artificial goose store.
The artificial goose store is just as homely as its exterior. You see all sorts of fake geese made out of plastic and other man-made materials.
At the artificial goose store, you see Eddie, your hamster Spirit guide, who tells you he owns this store. He has been urging you to talk to him, but you have not had a reason to do so. You wonder if he will give you a discount.

> You ask if him if their is a discount for buying in bulk. You remind him it is for the Viking warlord.
Eddie says he can give a discount because it is the holiday season and business has been sufficient enough that he is thinking of having another store built to accommodate all his successful fake animal endeavors.
You leave the store and chant, "I call upon thee, Jormangandr, the world serpent. Devour these tools, and shown them the true Christmas Spirit."
The fake geese are engulfed in a black flame, and then die.
You take the fake geese to your master, who loves them so much that he changes his plans to eat you.

> You from the mass of black melted geeses rises Razorbeak, an aggressive, living artificial goose, you have bought. He steps between you the warlord and says "HONK!"
You hear the warlord laugh and say "Ha ha! He approves."
With that, you hand over the fake geese and your head is chopped off.

> You say "Only the finest fake geese for you my master, now about our agreement involving the mythical time goose?"
"Yes yes, you will bring me its delicious meat and I will spare your life." Replies the warlord.
"Y-yes... That was the agreement." You say loudly.

> You ask Razorbeak to help you and he says "your old body is too damaged, but this will work" as he attaches your severed head to one of the melted geese.
Your head is grafted to a melted goose. You are thankful for a chance to stay alive and be able to serve the warlord again.
You approach Tony, a Viking who has the hottest hair you've ever seen, and ask him if he knows where the time goose is.
"Oh, it's in the kitchen. I've heard a rumor that Denton is making a meal out of it tonight, some kind of fancy goose curry or something." He says.
You rush to the ktichen, free the time goose, and yell, "Praise the honk mother!!"
"What's going on out there?" Your master yells.
"I have found the time goose, it is in my possession and I am bringing it to you." You yell back.
The time goose begs you for his life. You promises you to give you all the time you desire in exchange for his freedom.
You laugh and tell him that you are the lord of time and how could you give it to him when he is already your prisoner.
You approach your master and right as you are about to hand over the time goose, time stops for everyone except you and the time goose.
You realize the time goose is actually a devourer, shape-shifting to trick you.
He attacks you and with your last bit of consciousness, you wish for another chance...
You are granted a second chance.
This time, you recognize the foul beast and devour him and his fellow furs before they can devour you.

> You the Warlord gets angry when he finds out you ate his goose. You realize you have new special powers.
You use your new found powers to bring your severed head back to life and place it back on your body to keep you alive.

> You throw a handful of goose dander at your warlord, causing an allergic reaction.
He falls to the ground, clutching his throat as he gasps for air.
You laugh and say "Say hello to your goose mother when you reach the afterlife!"
He chokes to death and dies.

> You live the rest of your life decorating as you wish.
You have reached the "Happy Path" ending.
The moral of the story: Decorate all the things.