Rodney Beefsteak, professional Santa Claus hunter

Posted under Episode 272, Story On By Chief

You are Rodney Beefsteak, professional Santa Claus hunter. You job is to cull the mall Santa population at the end of every holiday shopping season, as they are an invasive species, which left unchecked would result in a massive milk and cookies shortage. You pack your crossbow and camouflage pants, and drive your pickup truck to the local mall to begin this year's hunt. You arrive to find that it has already been closed for the day, but you see several people milling about outside. One of them looks like he might be one of those mall Santa impersonators, so you approach him.
You approach the mall Santa impersonator and ask him what mall he works at. He tells you his name is "Santa" and that he works at the Mall of America. You tell him you're here to kill mall Santas, not work.

> You are about to stab the mall Santa, but you are interrupted Tony, a hardcore yawner who wants Santa to get him a bed for Christmas.
You are about to stab the mall Santa, when a little boy, who is completely naked, run up to you.
Tony sees you with a knife and begs you not to kill Santa. You look at the child, then back at the knife, and then back to the child again.

> You know what you have to do.
You decide to kill the kid instead. You take the knife he offers you and stab him repeatedly until he falls to the ground, dead.
You then turn to the mall Santa and kill him as well.
You look around for witnesses and see that Miša, a guy who is hunting for Easter Bunny's has witnessed your crime.  You pull out your flashlight and shine it in his eyes before he can react, then run after him. He's fast, but so are you.
You have a chase montage through the mall. You finally tackle him the wishing fountain. He begs you not to drown him, so you take your knife out of his chest and wrap the belt around his head tightly. He promises to keep quiet about your deeds if you let him live.

> You know what do.
You leave the fountain with your knife and belt. You then go out to your truck and drive home.
You wake up the next morning, and think about what to do next.

> You say "you head to the Mall of America where the International Mall Santa Convention is happening. you arm yourself to the teeth with the following 10 weapons:"
You have a chainsaw, a baseball bat, an assault rifle, a shotgun, two .45 pistols, 2 throwing knives, brass knuckles and a bowie knife.
When you arrive at the mall, you spot Jason, Tony's legal guardian who wishes to avenge his death by stopping you.  He owns a series of shops in the mall, which he got after winning a monopoly game. He is very rich and has connections everywhere.
Jason hands you a business card with a list of all his businesses on it:
- A tool shop.
- A pet store.
- A general store.
- A diner.
- An asian food place.

> You challenge Jason to a game of Monopoly.
You walk up to the general store and challenge him to a game of monopoly for Tony's sake.
The game goes on for hours, it is back and forth with the monopoly bucks, but the winner is finally crowed: you. You demanded that in return for your victory, Jason's businesses were to be taken away and given to various families in the area who needed work.

> You say "Sorry for murdering your ward."
You go up to Jason and tell him it was an accident. He believes you.
"I know you didn't kill him on purpose, Edmond." says the old man in a grandfatherly voice.

> You show the old man your bowie knife an say "You're lucky, I've got to get to santa hunting"
You pull out your bowie knife and try to look threatening. The old man backs off.
"Y-yes! Of course! I'll leave you alone, Edmond!"
You use your C4 rigged to blow up the person who gets boardwalk first and use it on the crowd of Santa's surrounding the fountain. You yell, "Special delivery!" as you drop the bomb onto the unsuspecting mall Santa's.
You manage to kill about 15 before they realize what's going on.
The media comes and they make a big deal about the "Mall Murderer."
The moral of the story: Santa kills.