Moosetits McGee, a failed Canadian adult entertainment mascot

Posted under Episode 271, Story On By Chief

You are Moosetits McGee, a failed Canadian adult entertainment mascot. You have been forced to work as a Christmas mascot, but people always give you bad looks. As you're heading to work one morning and, suddenly, a meteor hits you embedding a strange gem into your chest. After you wake up, you find that you can now shoot milk at will. You decide to take advantage of this gift.

The world is in chaos! The evil wizard Zog has invaded the Earth with his army of monsters and demons!

> You know their one weakness if moose milk, and you get out to arm the masses. You first warn Mikey Moose, The original disney character, and give him a case of whole moose milk.
You run around the city telling everyone to drink moose milk. People start drinking it, and then they all start shooting each other. It's a great success!
You see everyone shooting milk out their Moosetits at each others mouths all the time. Zog, being a complete idiot, does not see this as a threat and sends his forces down. They all die. You've saved the day!
Well, at least until the milk runs out tomorrow.

> You fly to space with a special moose milk force, including K-9000, the mascot for AIPD, to defeat Zog. You must defeat Zog before your lactation powers go away tomorrow.
You head to space. You get there, and Zog has a ridiculous amount of ships! He apparently already took out the Earth! You all start shooting at him, but it doesn't do anything.
you say to the rest of Milk Force 5 "we have to fuse our milk streams, it might just be enough" Everyone agrees. It takes a moment to get everyone in formation, but you do it.
Eventually, your milk streams become so powerful that you become a laser of sorts. You blast Zog, killing him instantly.
You board Zog's ship and look for a new home world to repopulate humanity. You find a planet that has 10 extraordinary features:
It's 10/10ths inhabitable, it has 10/10ths the gravity of the earth, it's 10/10ths the size of the Earth, it has 10 times the amount of resources the Earth does, it has 10/10ths the amount of O2 the Earth does, it's at 10/10ths the distance from it's sun, the planet is spinning 10 times faster than the Earth, it's 10/10ths as far from it's sun, it's 10/10ths the size of the moon, it's also 10/10ths the distance from the planet it's orbiting.
It takes a while to get used to, but you and the Mile Force 5 form a village around a waterfall. You all live happily ever after.
You see Nyanta Claus, a sexy, native alien catgirl in a skimpy Christmas costume, following you because she is addicted to milk. You can now Choose to Spank Her or show her your love.
You decide to spank her, and you do so with great strength. She falls and runs away as the ghost of Steve Irwin laughs.

> You shoot milk into the hole in Steve Irwin's chest.
You do this, and it causes the ghost of Steve Irwin to laugh harder than ever. This doesn't help his rotting corpse as it falls apart completely.
Well, that's one less ghost to deal with.
The alien catgirl gives birth to a litter of your cat children.
A year passes...
You now have a massive territory of land, and it's incredibly advanced. You rule your people with a kind hand, encouraging technological growth, expansion, and state sponsored prostitution.

> You help the hookers of your world become the most technologically advanced in the galaxy.
You force your citizens into prostitution through state sponsored means.
Your people quickly become the most advanced and prosperous, yet least happy, people in the galaxy. Your government is very large and powerful, and well... creepy.
The moral of the story: Be careful what you wish for.
You have ended your civilization and people's struggle in achieving technological perfection. Yet, they are not happy, and must continue to struggle or die out eventually.