Jim, trying not to push the button

Posted under Episode 270, Story On By Chief

You are Jim.
You wake up and find yourself not at home in your bed like you should be, but on the floor of a brightly lit room.
The walls, floor, and ceiling are all painted white, and you can't find a door or window on any of the walls.
The only things in the room beside you seem to be a simple metal table with an equally simple chair. 
You stand up and approach the table. There is a big red button in the center of the table. Next to the button is a large sign that reads, "DO NOT PUSH THE BUTTON!"
There seems to be no way out of this situation other than pressing the button. You look around for anything else you might need, but there isn't much.

> You under the table you see 20 doses of Sugarsmack XL. You take all of them thinking they are just sugar.
You take a big gulp of the sweet stuffs and feel it hit your throat. It tastes so good! You don't even care about what's going to happen now.

> You push the button.
The sweet taste of the sugary goodness fills your mouth...
And that's all you remember.

> You push the button AGAIN.
The sugary taste overwhelms you...
And that's all you remember.
You wake up in a very dark place.

> You push the button again again.
The darkness consumes you...
And that's all you remember.

> You push the button three times quickly.
The lights turn back on...
And that's all you remember.
You tap the button to the theme of the Wonder Years. You are still not sure what it does, but you have a strong feeling it is pretty important.
You are in a room made completely of wood. You push the button to open it up and then...
You see a giant scroll descend from the ceiling and see that it has a list of your top 10 deepest secrets:
You quickly turn to page 2 and see that it is no longer there. It seems that whatever this thing is, it only has access to parts of you that are common knowledge.

> You piss on the button.
You piss on the button, and it works!
The button sprays out a refreshing stream of piss in the middle of the room.
You stand there for a while enjoying the feeling of relief when...

> You as you finish up your tall glass of button piss, you decide to rip the button off the table.
You rip the button off the table, and it seems to be stuck in place. The button that used to be on the table is gone. It looks like it was never there at all.
You see that the button is actually an "Easy" button from Staples that has been painted over. You scream into the void that you want some damn answers! You hear a mysterious respond:
"Do you?"
You realize you are in a strange location. You stand up. It is dark everywhere. You can't see anything, but you hear voices...

> You tell the voice a list of your top 10 favorite things about your streaming buddy Jason.
"It's the weekend!" the voice says.
"He streams Team Fortress 2."
"He can cook delicious pancakes."
"He is a good friend."
"He is loved by many. "
"He is very intelligent. "
"He is a good son."
"He likes making people laugh."
"He saved my life."
"He never hesitates to help anyone in need."
Jason crashes through the ceiling of the room wearing a parachute and extends his arm to carry you out in the AIPD chopper van. You notice the MasterCard Center below you and realize that's where you are.
"It's the weekend!"
He sets you down in a field and smiles.

> You ask the weekend to play "I cant feel my face"
The weekend nods and you sit down in the grass to watch your favorite song.
The weekend looks at you with a serious face and says:
"Really? I never had a favorite song."

> You say "that's just because you haven't written it yet."
You hear the words of advice from your father as they echo in your head: "Son... be yourself."
The weekend seems to think about this for a moment.
"I should write a song?" he asks.
You tell the weekend to write a song about your father.
The weekend laughs and says he doesn't think that's a good idea.
"Why don't you write a song for him?"
He shakes his head.

> You take the keys to the helicopter and leave The weekend behind.
You walk around the room and find a locked door. You head to the helicopter and fly away.
You land in an abandoned field in the middle of nowhere, somewhere in South Dakota.
You land in a field next Mt Rushmore and see a button hidden in a tree stump. You press it and the stump disappears to reveal a door. You open the door and...
The weekend is waiting for you.
He helps you out of the helicopter and smiles.
"I finished the song. Listen."
You hear the most beautiful song you've ever heard in your entire life. You ask The weekend if you can listen to it again.
"Sure thing kid.
This time you sing along. The lyrics go:
Be yourself, be your own, be true to yourself, no matter what, because at the end of the day it's all you have, and it's the only thing people can't take away.
The moral of the story: Be yourself.
You wake up in your bed with a smile on your face.