You are a majestic pine tree, or at least think of yourself as one since the beginning of your latest psychotic breakdown, getting into the festive holiday spirit of Christmas. Your hut however is still lacking in crucial decorations for this time of the year. As such, you deem it appropriate to find and cut down the perfect Christmas human to put on display in your living room and decorate. You leave your hut with an ax and a large burlap sac to search for a human being, to turn into your Christmas human. Walking around aimlessly, you soon find yourself near a gathering of humans. You try to spot someone that would make a good Christmas human, and see a group of them walking along side each other. You decide to follow them, thinking that maybe you could convince some of these people to join your Christmas party. You decide to break tradition and instead of going right your ax, you ask the humans if anyone wants to willingly be your Christmas human. The humans look at you, then at each other and finally back to you. They all agree to be your Christmas human. > You decorate your humans in ugly Christmas sweaters. You grab your large group of humans, and force them to put on various red sweaters with green Christmas trees knitted into them. > You hang lights and tinsel on them. You hang lights and tinsel on your Christmas humans. You continue doing this until all of them are fully lit up and sparkling. Of all the humans that are part of your Christmas display, The cast of AIPD, Jason, Tony, Jim and Cory express their discontent and pray for Jim Christ to free them. Jim Christ descends from the sky and pulls you aside. "What the fuck are you doing?" He asks. "I'm putting on a Christmas display." "Why are you putting it on these people? > You ask Jim Christ if he wants to be the angel on the top of the Christmas human. Jim Christ thinks about it for a moment, then agrees. He flies up to the top of one of the larger Christmas humans and sits on the top of it, with one leg on each side. You are so proud of your Christmas humans that you have to show it off to your friends. You invite over Max Pine, a fellow tree. "Wow, that's amazing!" He cries out. You thank him. "Who made this?" He asks. "I did." You reply. > You offer Max Pine some peppermint bark. Max asks you if they are pain killer flavored. You show him the crushed up pain killers used as peppermint bits for the bark. "Thanks, these are great." He says, and eagerly eats a piece of peppermint bark. You share your drug filled peppermint bark with Max and lean in for a kiss. "Merry Christmas." You both say at the same time. You hear a herd of lumberjacks in the distance approach your hut. You figure it's time to make love to your boyfriend. You and Max embrace one another and kiss, sharing your peppermint flavored lips. You take off each others clothes and caress your bodies. > You tongue one of Max's knots and he shoots sap everywhere. You begin licking one of the knots on his back and he begins to release a heavy, sticky secretion from the knot. You lick up the delicious liquid and it tastes like liquid Christmas trees. The lumberjacks finally arrive at the hut and see you and Max covered in maple syrup. The head lumberjack looks at his fellow lumberjacks and says, "This is why I get the big bucks." Your mom enters the hut. "What is going... oh my." > You say "Mom! I told you to always knock!" "I did." "Then why the hell didn't I hear you?!" "I... I don't know. You were too focused on having sex with my son?" The moral of the story: knock before you enter. You and your mother argue for a bit, but eventually she calms down when you show her the pile of presents under the tree. You open your presents and receive the following gifts: -Candy Cane Pops -1 Charcoal Tablet -2 Pain Killers -A Kindle edition of Fifty Shades of Gray with someone else's name written on it -A framed, autographed photo of David Bowie -A book by John Grisham -A bottle of cologne by Cool Water that makes you smell like a man -A shirt that says Team Edward on the front and Team Jacob on the back -A brand new Kindle Fire with a note saying "I Love You" on the screen You thank your family and open the Kindle Fire. You see a notification for Tinder and swipe right.
A majestic pine tree looking for a Christmas human to put on display in the living room
Posted under Episode 269, Story On By Chief