Timothy Geithner, professional dildo sculptor

The Sun is setting and you have just finished your work for the day. You wash up, put away your uniform, and step out to the parking lot to go home for the day. You are Timothy Geithner and you are a professional dildo sculptor, the best in your field. As you return home, you find your wife and Santa Claus waiting for you.

"Hey honey! It's been an exciting week!" Santa says as he opens his car door. "I hope all of our presents were fun to open.
You bluntly ask Santa when he is going to return to the North Pole and why he is always leaving right as you get home from work.

Santa explains that he has had some problems with the elves lately so he can't live there anymore.

> You tell Santa "The homeless shelter has plenty of room" as you lean in to kiss your wife.
You try to kiss your wife but she pulls away.
"Fuck you asshole, you think this is all a joke? Go ahead and tell your dumbass story."
You eyes widen in shock as you tell your wife about your promotion at the dildo factory. You realize this is boring to your wife and so then you reveal your troubled past.
"For over a year, I thought I was a professional dildo maker but it turns out I was just a professional ass licker."

> You use your wife's insults to fuel your desire to become an independent fair trade non-gmo no-preservative dildo artisan like your dreamed about.
You grab your wife's hand and look into her eyes.
"I think you are so much more than this life, we can both do so much more."
Your wife backs away and starts sobbing.

> You comfort her by patting her shoulders with a dildo.
You try to give her a gift but she pushes it back.
"I don't want your stupid present, you think I'm interested in some stupid... rock?"
You spend the night at a motel and research how to start a business.
You realize starting a business is difficult. After 2 months your girlfriend has broken up with you and your family hasn't spoken to you since.
You are practically homeless and jobless.

> You are selling hand-crafted from a trunk at a farmers market when santa walks with his around your ex-wife.
You are selling hand-crafted from a trunk at a farmers market when santa walks by with his reindeer.
"Hey Timothy, we gotta talk." he says.
You follow him outside where he reveals that your ex-wife has hired him to kill you because she met him at a Christmas party.
Santa assures you that she is on the naughty list this year.
"That's bullshit!" you say.
You pull out your pistol and shoot him in the eye.
You ex wife the reindeer stomps over and screams, "You bastard!!!"
You realize you never sorted this out with her and she's been the victim of domestic violence.
You run back into the farmers market and a grinch tries to steal your dildo money.

> You incapacitate the grinch with a dildo throw. as you are poking him full of dildo holes the police arrive to question you.
You are brought into court where you are found innocent of santas murder.
The grinch was your son's friend and said he was drunk and tripped.
You are innocent on all accounts.

> You show up to your wife's house and attempt to make amends.
Your wife closes the door on your face and friends stand on the other side laughing.
You feel so much shame you run into oncoming traffic hoping to die but fail.
A car stops and a divorce lawyer gets out. He takes your case, and you get full custody, no alimony and the house. 
You get the house and as the divorce lawyer drives away he throws a molotov cocktail into your sons bedroom. 
A car stops and a divorce lawyer gets out.
You shoot your heat seating monster rocket dildo at the lawyer that tried to burn your house down. 
It hit him right in the temple and he is dead before he even hits the ground.
You hear sirens in the distance.
The moral of the story: Don't mess with divorced dads on Christmas.