Jake Winkleman, head of Marketing at ReinDr0b industries

Posted under Episode 268, Story On By Chief

You are Jake Winkleman, head of Marketing at ReinDr0b industries, who doesn't like spending his money at Christmas. You decide to do your Christmas shopping at the Thrift store.

As you walk through the thrift store, you notice a lot of old toys and games that have been left out in the open for years.
One particular toy catches your eye. It's a miniature train set with an engine inside it. The engine is missing its front wheels, but still works just fine.
You are bumped into by a rude customer. You look up and see it's Macklemore, popping tags. "Hey watch it man, you want to buy that or what?" he asks.
"Yeah, yeah," you say.
"Great, I get commission for that," he says.

> You ask him to tell you more about the train set.
Macklemore gives you a brief history of the train set.
"This thing is like 70 years old, back when they made things to last," he says.
Cory, a customer in a towel who has several complaints, overhears the conversation and buys the train on the spot.
"Thanks man," says Macklemore.
"No problem. You have a good day as well," you say.
Suddenly, a call comes in on your cell phone.
You answer the phone. It is a call from your mother.
"Hi honey, are you doing anything today?"
"Just shopping, why? What's up?"
"Well, your brother, sister and mom are all sick with the flu, and your father and I have to go to a funeral.

> You offer to go to the funeral in your stepmom's place.
"Mom, I'll go to the funeral," you offer.
"Are you sure? It's pretty last minute."
"Yeah, it's no problem. Bye."
You hang up the phone.

> You drive to the graveyard and meet your father.
You quickly drive to the graveyard. It's a long way from your house. You arrive at the graveyard and you notice your stepmother crying by a grave labeled "Beloved husband and father."

> You say "I told you not to come to the funeral, Stepmom."
You say "I told you not to come to the funeral, Stepmom."
"I know honey," she says. "I just had to see your father off."
You arrive at the grave.
You cry and your tears bring your father back to life as a snowman.
"Bye honey," says your stepmother , driving off in her car.
"My balls are freezing," your father tells you. 
Your father says, "My balls are freezing."
"Hey, can I get a ride?" asks a voice.
You turn around and see a blond haired boy your age.
You see your stepbrother Andson's licking an obnoxiously large lollipop and being annoying.
"Go away," you say.
"You're mean," says Andson, "Ashamed of yourself?"
Your father tells you that Andson has a point.
You tell your father to fuck off.
You ask your father, "How did you die?"
"My balls froze," he says, "Now can we go inside?"
You tell your father you don't have a house.
Andson walks up to you and says, "I know a place."

> You enjoy a slapdash christmas under an overpass with Andson and snowman dad.
You pull up to the overpass, and offer Andson and your father a place to sleep.
"This place is like a palace!" says your father.
"I see you've made some friends,"
You see 11 crack pipers smoking crack and immediately ask you for money.
"How do you know if they're friends if you just met me," asks Andson.
"I'm not giving them money," you say.
"Me either," says your father.
The crack pipers offer you a cheeseburger and you enjoy eating a half eaten rat shit covered whopper and to all a goodnight.
You wake up to find yourself in Andson's house.

> You ask where your father is, and Andson points to a puddle on the floor.
"Well, he's dead," says Andson.
"What do you mean he's dead?" asks a panicked you.
"The rats poisoned him while he was sleeping, I have no idea why,"
The moral of the story: Don't go to a Crack Pipe Den with a Snowman as your Dad.