Henry, a guy who’s spending another Christmas alone with his 200 cats

Posted under Episode 268, Story On By Chief

You are Henry, a guy who's spending another Christmas alone with his 200 cats. You're not sure what to expect, but you're guessing it won't be the same as last year.

You get home and find your sister Donna waiting for you in the living room.
You are wearing a super realistic fish costume from your job advertising for Long John Silver's, your cats swarm you. They look so real that you can't help but laugh.

"What the hell did I do? Did I really just dress up like a fucking fish?!"
Suddenly Helga the Insanity Fairy appears in your living room in a cloud of crystal meth smoke. She has a task for you:  The real Santa Claus is dead. He was murdered by an evil Easter Bunny. Take his place, deliver the presents, and kill the Easter Bunny. Only then will happiness return to the world.
You are startled by a screech from yours cats and see Jason, a streamer who eats cats going to town on your favorite kitties. You spring into action, ripping him from the sofa and choking him out.
"It's not your time to die yet, Jason."
"W-who are you?"
You snap his neck without hesitation.

> You let your cats feed on a paralyzed Jason.
The next few weeks are rough. You're caught up in a media storm, with newspapers claiming you're mentally ill and shouldn't be delivering any presents.

> You hold a press conference. You explain that you are the new Santa Claus and are have been sent a mission to kill the evil Easter Bunny.
Later that night you are visited by a shadowy figure.
"Hello, Mr Claus."
You look up and see the shadowy figure, who is holding a recorder.

> You see the shadow of two large rabbit ears.
"Yes... I am the Easter Bunny."
The shadowy figure, who you recognize as a popular news anchor, begins to explain.

> You fight him in your bedroom.
You lunge from your bed, swinging your claws at the figure. You manage to slash his face and knock him to the floor. He drops his recorder, and as you attempt to break it he grabs your wrist.
You use your other hand to pull out a mysterious ball with a very loyal Christmas themed creature inside. You throw the ball and it summons a massive Christmas bulbus. It engulfs him, and he dies from being crushed by millions of Christmas presents.
You head outside and decide to go for a walk.

> You talk to the Christmas bulbus.
"What is your name?" you ask it.
"My name is Olive."
You ponder why a Christmas bulbus would have the name Olive.
"Why do you have the name Olive? Olive is not a Christmas themed name!
Olive says, "I'm called Olive because I will crush Olive your enemies."
You don't like Olive's tone, but you feel much safer with Olive around.
"Where is your family, Olive?"
"I am a Christmas bulbus, who needs a family?"

> You ride Olive the Christmas bulbus.
You mount Olive, and ride off into the night.
You return home and lean in for a kiss with Helga. The two of you greet the new year together.
Donna stands up and says, "I've got something to to say. Come here, Olive!" Olive slinks towards her. "Sir... You've been through a lot this year. You were framed for murder, you have a dead child and your son is stillborn.

> You see Jason is still paralyzed on the couch. Cats are biting his body and he says to you "
You look over at Jason and see a massive pile of cats eating him.
The next day you find out that Olive is very well-trained.
You laugh and enjoy Christmas morning with a bog of nog. You laugh as you see the news report a massive surplus of cats in America. One reporter even asks if it's the "Nyquil Nightmare", a reference to your title as the "Ebola King".
The moral of the story: don't fuck with the new Santa.