You are Fred Jingleballs, a new recruit at Santas workshop, and you have been assigned to work in the sanitation department. Your Boss, Santa wants you to unclog all the toilets in the workshop so he can get on with his task of giving gifts. The Workshop is located deep within the mountains near your home town. > You commute to the North Pole factory on the Jingle Bus. As you head towards the North Pole, you hear a loud noise coming from somewhere nearby. It sounds like an explosion or something similar. You see that there is a eruption of shit coming from the septic tank fields and remember that forgot to release the pressure before you left work yesterday. The Jingle bus is going to have to take a detour, as the entire field is now one big shit swamp. This means you will be late for your first day at work! > You head into work and pretend nothing bad is happening. You arrive at the factory and meet the other elves in your workshop. You tell the foreman that you feel sick and head straight to the medical bay for some rest and relaxation. > You feel a tapping on your forehead. You open your eyes and see Santa. He looks angry. "Get to work Jingle Balls!" he bellows. You do not want to disappoint Father Christmas so you go to the factory floor. You get to work on the line and it is everything you dreamed that gift making could be. But then you see your coworkers rush to the window and one of the elves screams, "Oh my Santa, it's a shit tsunami heading straight for the workshop! RUN!" You see that the shit swamp has flooded the streets and is now breaking through the factory door. A wall of human waste is heading towards you at high speed. The end. > You grab a surfboard intended for little Timmy Johnson and surf to the main pump room. You quickly glance at the rising tide of excrement. Santa calls you into his office which is filled with ankle deep shit, he hands you a surfboard and tells you that he foresaw this event and had prepared the perfect solution. You escape the factory, surfacing in a nearby river. The elves are shuttled to safety and you are hailed as the employee of the month for saving all those little savages from a shitty death. > You convince the elves to protest Santa's shitty working conditions. You convince the elves to strike and head towards the boardroom where the big man himself is counting all his gold. Santa invites you to do a line of coke with him. He tells you that if you were a good girl then you can do the white snort again but until then he doesn't have to give you any formal recognition of your hard work. > You hold Santa by his ankles over his office balcony. You let go and watch him fall four stories, before landing with a splat on a pile of horse shit. The police arrive and give you no charges for the murder of Father Christmas. Merry Christmas! You become elf presidente of the workshop and life goes on as normal. Christmas arrives and everything seems to be going as usual until you remember that no one has been selected to deliver the presents. All the elves nominate you to drive the sleigh. You accept. You arrive at every house without incident and your mission is considered a great success. This makes you the most popular elf in the North Pole and the elves invite you to stay as presidente foreve and evar. The moral of the story: Little Timmy Johnson didn't get a lego for Christmas.
Fred Jingleballs, a new recruit at Santas workshop recently promoted from the sanitation department
Posted under Episode 268, Story On By Chief