You are Big Bob, a former bounty hunter. After an encounter with a pony and a killer whale, you acquired a sizeable fortune and were able to take your men and retire at a far off farm where the violence won't reach you. Or so you thought. One evening after sending a letter to your sister, Mudrock, one of your men runs up to you and tells you that there is trouble in town. A man has been seen murdering people and dragging their bodies into a nearby cave. You say something witty and intimidating: "Well, I'm sure it's just some crazy old guy." You then go on to explain that you need all the help you can get and leave. You hear a loud noise outside and run out to see El Fisto ,the time travelling Luchador Elephant, has landed on your car. El Fisto offers to help you find this killer inside the cave. You and El fisto go inside the cave you find a cultist sacrificing people to summon a demon. > You arrive just in time to witness the demon being summoned. "Some demon", you think. He's about your height and is dressed in a cheap purple suit, the kind that you can find at an thrift store for $19.95. The demon hands you a a top Secret file labelled "Granny fuckers" and tells you his name is: Bigger Johnson". He tells you that he the leader of a massive gang of criminals and wishes to take control over your territory. You tell him, politely, to get lost. "Alright", Bigger says," You say "Nobody fucks my granny" and punch him in the stomach. The demon, in shock, fires a laserbeam out of his eyes that kills you. You wake up next to El Fisto and see that you are in Hell. You feel fine as your journey from here to Bigger's hideout is uneventful. You arrive at Bigger's hideout and notice the place is deserted. > You because the hideout is a timeshare, you have to listen to a sales pitch before you can enter. The scary demon is there to greet you and offers you to stay a while in Bigger's hideout, which has a bunch of furniture from ikea. the scary demon offers you some unswedished meatballs, and says "now that you're here in hell, I have an offer for a bounty hunter of such repute." You agree to hear out the demon, as you are feeling very hungry. "There is this one guy who is really fucking up our operations", says the demon. The demon tells you that the target is Bigger Johnson. You eagerly agree to take the job and head to Hell's Armory where you see the following 10 hellish weapons: A pair of blastered pistols. A flame thrower. A set of Hell's Knives (designed by Micheal Bay). A set of Bagpipes (designed by Mel Gibson). A blunt axe. A black hole. A set of glow in the dark dildos. A hovercraft. A tank. A set of pipe bombs. The demon tells you that you can take any of the weapons (except for the hovercraft) with you on the mission. > You take the dildos and the hover craft. You hunt down Bigger Johnson for your revenge. The demon sends you off with your weapons and gives you a bit of back ground on Bigger. He is currently located at a house with his girlfriend (Who the demon tells you is actually a disguised demon herself). You fly to Bigger's house on your hover craft and land it in the backyard. > You knock on the door and say "Dildo delivery for demon's girlfriend!" You hear footsteps walking towards the door and see Bigger through the window. He looks through the peephole and opens the door. You shove a dildo through the peephole and stab Bigger in the eye. He screams in horror and steps back, allowing you to open the door and run in. You shoot Bigger's girlfriend in the throat with a bolt from your crossbow and pull out your plasma gun. you throw a dildo with all your might at Bigger and hit him in the head, knocking him unconscious. You stare at Bigger's dead girlfriend and shed a single tear. You drag Bigger to the backyard and run over him repeatedly with the hover a hundred times. You then pilot the hovercraft over his body and land it on top of him. You stand on top of the hovercraft with both feet on Bigger's head, trapping him. You hold a dildo to Bigger's throat and tell him "repent or die" to which Bigger replies "please, I'll give you anything" to which you answer "the only thing you can give me is access to the demon market and that requires you to die". You jam the dildo into Bigger's hellhole and spend a day at the demon market where you treat yourself to a big demon steak and a trip to the red light district. You return from the trip with two demon whores and spend a week having sex, eating steaks and using Bigger's head as a punching bag. The moral of the story: If you're going to hell, bring your steaks and dildos.
Big Bob, a former bounty hunter
Posted under Episode 266, Story On By Chief